Rest in Peace, Mrs. Rosa Parks....

May you witness what you really meant in this lifetime and continue to watch over us as we all continue our journey. May we all strive to set examples that may one day change the world, however, small or fragile. You were an inspiration to many and for however you lived your life...we thank you, I thank you. God bless you, Mrs. Parks. ~ Spring

"She sat down in order that we all might stand up, and the walls of segregation came down." ~ Rev. Jesse Jackson

Bus Ride Shook a Nation's Conscience

By Patricia Sullivan
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, October 25, 2005; Page A01

Rosa Parks, the dignified African American seamstress whose refusal to surrender a bus seat to a white man launched the modern civil rights movement and inspired generations of activists, died last night at her home in Detroit, the Wayne County medical examiner's office said. She was 92.

For the rest of the story...

Awaken

This is the first spoken word poem that I'm working on.  It doesn't have as much feeling as I want to put into it...yet....but It will eventually.  I'm going to work on it a little more til I finally get the courage to actually do it in front of an audience.  Grrr...Challenege.  I love it.

"Its interesting what you can say in front of a room full of people that you can't seem to say to one person..." - Nina Mosely, Love Jones

Awakened this morning, I outstretched my arms

And reached out as far as I could as I could go across my bed.

Finding nothing

I opened my eyes, smiled and realized

That that time had not been so long ago.

The distinct scent of your face wash still lingers on my pillow.

And that simple olfaction aroused my thoughts more than I would have liked.

My favorite memory of us began fading in through my forethoughts.

And I involuntarily smiled as I remembered waking

To the taste of you still in my mouth.

I smiled as I began to feel the warmth of your naked body against my back.

Then I sighed

As I began feeling the rushing memory of being afraid all over again.

My initial reaction was to run and hide

Cause you, my love,

Were never to have been let in.

Had not fate itself willed it so

And heartily fought through the barriers of our enormous egos.

You never would have been there ever.

But buy chance and laughs, and pure imagination...

I was there...

And you were there...

And for one uncorrupted moment...

We were love.

I can still vividly remember how intoxicating it was

Just to breathe in the infection that was your soul.

At once, it seemed that the dream could be never ending

At the time, I could have completely drowned in it and lost myself.

It was right then I decided I never wanted to swim in another ocean again.

To my surprise, my wandering eyes were finally shut

My restless protected heart was wide open.

The fear of vulnerability began resounding through my chest

And it made my red blood pump that much harder
 
that much faster and faster

Throughout my stubborn, nescient veins.

Somehow at the precise moment you put your powerful arm around my waist.

And I instinctively nestled my head in the space god must have intended only for me,

We began to be finally fully aware of ourselves

And fully aware of what we had both done.

The serenity began to wash over my restrained ego.

And I had felt safer than any home I had ever known before.

Then just as quickly it seemed

I was mindful of the morning sun

Brought back to the reality of my solitary state.

I lay here and stare at the cruel sunlight kissing my pillow.

Sweetly kissing the space where no so long ago your smile had been.

Where that perfect smile should be now.

Had fate been kind to us both.

Amos Lee sings "When she wakes me...she takes me back home..."

And my heart begins to wonder that even if it’s not with you

Will I ever find that kind of peace again?

The salt water then pooling

and ever so gently, quietly letting go

I closed my wandering eyes once more and drifted off to better times...

My sister & I having an over due sista nite. We're 2 cool for words.

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Yey I got to meet my uncle!

So to some up last night in a word...Incredible. 

So yesterday I admit I was apprehensive about meeting my Uncle.  I didn't know what to think and why I was so nervous.  I was shakey!  I felt like I was going out on first date.  I couldn't find the "right" clothes to wear or how to put my hair.  Should I wear my lip ring?  Should I not wear make up?  Should I wear jeans?  It was silly.  My hair didn't look right cause I just got out of the shower and it was humid.  Unable to put it off meeting him any longer, I just made myself go the way I was.   They just got out of the IMAX movie and told me to meet them out front of the Air & Space Museum.  When I walked up I recognized him immediately.  He has that big Fixico head. hahaha. :D  He gave me a big hug like he knew me forever and as soon as we connected the nervousness disappeared and I felt like a dumbass for being so silly

I took'em to the mall.  Cause they wanted to get all purdified for the nights events.  Plus, Milo needed a car charger....I'll have to finish this later.  I'm not feeling in a writing mood right now.  Here's some pix...




My awesome 22 year-old Uncle



Him & his friends Taylor and Reggie



He looks like Fixico...?



Bar Hopping



Cheers!



Laughs all night long



I don't know what this was...



lip rings rock



Don't ask...



Guatemalan Run



Now just the brown people...



He definately acts like a No Heart...hahaha



So a white guy, a Native and a Guatemalan walk into a bar....



Family

God this made me laugh!

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Sweet Dreams are made of these...

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My sleeping schedule has been way off. I can't ever seem to get any sleep or actually get "sleepy" til around 3. But lately it has mostly been out of frustration. I'm frustrated and emotional about my mother even though I refuse to let myself "feel" anything substantial. What are the five stages of grieving again...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance? I dunno...I guess I'm in the Denial stage. When my father told me I did shed a few salty water drops but nothing substantial. I think I was focused more on making him & myself laugh more than anything. And I am truly thankful for my guest being over cause when I found out about my mother's condition, (Which if you are on the blog preferred list you know and if you wanna know feel free to email me) its one of those times I just didn't wanna be alone and I didn't wanna be around family. I was thankful he listened to me rant, incoherently at times, and let me attempt to cry. Why he was the one of all people to be around when I found out I'll never understand. But I won't think to much on it cause in the end the answer always is "everything" happens for a reason. It was just a moment I'm greatful (Is that grate or greatful? (Sp?) for.

Yesterday, I started my new "old" job. My father advised against it for my mental health but choosing my own path I still went and started. If I took the day off then I’d drive myself crazy with the silence. The awesome news is I got my health bene's back. I got my retirement back. I got everything back. And in a strange way, I was a little sad to be back. Someone asked me how it was to be back yesterday when I got home, I just thought to myself…pleh, I’m back where I started…said nothing and shed another few salty drops. In all reality, I should be eternally grateful getting my job back and I am. At the same time and with the circumstances I am in now…it’s not where I wanted to be at this moment. I’m not completely over the happenings of this summer. Not just with my mother but with what happened in general. I’ve come to realize that despite my greatest efforts, I never really dealt with the anger I had/have for what happened. I still have this victimyness about it even though I’m never a victim. I keep telling myself that. I have what I have now cause this is what I choose. I am single and alone cause this is what I choose. It’s the best thing for me. I just wish I knew exactly what I could say to have it go away. But then again…in due time…everything happens for a reason.



When I got home from my first day I had managed to make it through the whole day without crying. Scratch that…I told my ex whom I work with about it cause he’s just as much apart of my family as anyone. He cares about my mom and gets to know. It’s funny, (but not funny) but I was really convinced I wasn’t worried or sad about it…but when I said the words…I found I couldn’t without breaking down. “My mother…6 months to a year…*que waterfalls*.” And with his patented optimism, Ooooooooooh it’ll be alright…she’s going to be okay….*insert Navajo antidote here*. And for that I appreciate him as much as ever for continuing to be in my life. As much as that boy manages to push my buttons, I love that shit out of that fucker. After I told him I didn’t think about it much more really. I went through the day…again flashing my signature smile and again through all the welcome backs. Thankful when the clock struck 5 and time managed to pass quickly that day. I embarked on my first walk back home from work. I managed to get a few zzz’s on the metro. I woke up just in time to get off @ Dupont. I proceeded with my daily Sudoku while walking up the escalators. When I got off, I was immediately barraged with some political campaign to get Dick Chaney’s evil plot to destroy America in the forefront of American Idealism. My Idealism…on my fucking time and in the middle of my Sudoku. As a concentrated on my puzzle, I tried to walk unassumingly to the corner but was confronted by an angry activist. As I stood there minding my own biz and losing myself in my new found addiction…he was like…why are you doing puzzles. I was like…Um…because I can. The he said “How are doing puzzles going to get Dick Chaney out of office”. I replied, it’s not meant to and I’ll do whatever the fuck I wanna do on my own time kthnxbi. He tried to shove his un-recyclable pamphlet in my hands but I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and walked across the street. What a dumfuck? All I wanted to do was finish my Sudoku, go home and curl up and die, fuckin mood ruiner!



I walked home more than annoyed and wondered if the annoyance was really about him. I walked and was greeted by my guest. He asked about my day and I said it was fine. Then all of a sudden…like I was free to let go…I went into the bathroom and hyperventilated. I made myself purge the afternoon’s lunch and cried a little more. Not on purpose mind you. It was like I was watching myself have a breakdown and I couldn’t stop it. It only lasted all of five minutes but I’m sure it concerned my guest. I felt a little better and well enough to ask if he wanted this daily slurpee. To which, there will never be a no. And so we went for a walk. I needed to get out…I needed to move around. Our conversation consisted of very little. Usual back and forth banter. On the way back we pondered what to do for dinner. The frybread I had promised him a many time on the forefront of the mind, we decided on Indian Tacos. Mmm Mmm Mmm…NDN taco’s. It was impromptu and we had to use what was at the little metro store but all in all it came out okay. I tried another frybread recipe cause somewhere it was dubbed “the greatest frybread recipe in the world”. So it wasn’t mine. When I saw how much baking soda was to be used, I sorta cringed. But as an avid rule follower when it comes to recipes…I did what it asked. The dough came out okay. It was just a little thick for my taste but all in all the fluffiness was good. I’ll probably revert back to my own recipe next time but with a few added touches I learned from that recipe. I had fun doing it. I think it was the first time I made a real meal in my own kitchen. Regardless, dinner came out okay. I was nervous. I love my cooking but I’m always afraid others won’t like it. C’est la vie.



The night progressed into some intense T.V. watching. The Monday night double header was on the agenda, the Redskins & Cowboys…but toward the end of the night I have to watch my beloved Laguna Beach. I just love their drama. After Laguna I looked over and noticed my friend was asleep…I took that as a cue and fell asleep my damn self. I managed an hour before I awoke with a heavy heart. I tossed and turned for 2 hours. I finally had to get out and go for a walk. When I walked outside I called Benji and when he answered I just started bawling about my mom. I cried all the way to CVS and back. He listened and engaged some really good advice. He calmed my heart once more and once again…heavy heart lifted for time being. I went back and manged to actually get some sleep. Again, I was grateful for yet another night of not having to be alone. I slept well and welcomed dreaming once more.

Some days are better than most...

So first off, I'm not stress about anything right now. I am perfectly peaceful...so with that being said...

Last night I found out my mother has six months to a year to live. I have shed a few tears about it and although I'm not fine with it, I'm not going to and haven't gone into freak out mode. I love my mother and I knew this was possible and deep down just waiting for it to be confirmed. I'm not pouty. I'm optimistic. But truely and honestly...I'm not sad so I request you don't be sad for me. Prayers are always welcome and appricated, as are smiles. Its like good news bad/news, ya know. Meaning most people don't know how much time they have with they're parents and they take them for granted. Now I know and the good news is I can make sure the time we have left gets to be valuable. I'm taking this day with a grain of salt...happy my mom is here for the time being...and trying to focus out so I can focus on my next move. My main concern right now is my 10 year old brother. Someone needs to be there for him. And since I have the best potential and no other obligations...That person most likely is me. Which means yet another move back to the west coast. The transition is going to be easy for any of us. I don't know how many more people know outside of my siblings and father so I'm trying to keep a low profile. As long as I am here in D.C. I plan on still living my life. I'm not going to stop living just cause I can't do anything right now. I don't know how much longer I'll be here...but when I know I'll let chu guys know.

Night with...

Crackfishes

www.sudoku.com

For the past couple days, to pass the time away, I've been doing Su do Ku Number puzzles. Now, doing number puzzles isn't pressing hardcore stuff but it isn't easy either. They put them in the Washington Post Express every morning and doing them is a treasured part of my day considering I have nothing else better to do than watch George Bush squawk about whatever. At first I picked it up cause it was intriguing and it took me about 2 hours to do the first one. (With the aid of a lot...I repeat...a lot of white out.)

Without going into a long drawn out story, I just finished my 5th such puzzle, medium difficulty in 30 minutes with no white out. *pats self on back*

Is it time for the New York Times crossword? hmmm....

And your heart will be at peace...

I just got a phone call from the missing brother in New Orleans. And as predicted...he's is alive...he is okay. We talked for an hour about his many advantures of fighting off looters, rescuing 2 girls that were trying to drive during the worst part of the storm, and the great ready to eat meals.

My brother has the best attitude. The converstation wasn't sad or drab. It was more upbeat than anything and for that I am thankful. He's just happy to be alive. He told me about the people he comes across that are sadden by the devistation...which they have every right to be...but he takes the time to share with them the joys of just being alive. You're home is missing but your family is here...home is where the heart is...and as long as you're alive...Everything is better than okay.

He's a nut but I love him. And I am doubly thankful to Maheo for him being able to call and get through. Prayers for the ones that can't see the light in the darkness of this their situation. And share in the joy for the ones that do.

Another wonderful nite with my gay lover Martin

Just a tad sensitive right now...

I'm tired...I've had 3 hours of sleep total....I can't sleep now cause my body hates the shit out me...perhaps literally...I'm not in the mood for other people's attitude so I'll just stick with my own today...thanx...

Now that I've alerted the media...on to deeper note...

I finally broke down and cried yesterday and I've been trying not to cry all fucking day....

See...My roomate loves to leave CNN on in the morning when he leaves for work.  Usually I leave my apt before then so when I come back...CNN is still on.  Now...I'm not totally oblivious to the fact that there is a great big chaotic tragety happening in the South.  Of course not...my brother lives in New Orleans.  But I think with anything and everything...out of site out of mind you know.  I know my brother is okay...I know my brother is going to be okay...even though I nor anyone has heard from him at all.  My brother is a resourceful person and he's a leader when he needs to be.  My brother is okay....I know this.   But yesterday...when I walked in to my apt...I had full coverage of scenes in New Orleans straight in front of my face.  Babies crying, death toll rising, people starving, people angry with every right to be...

Me...I have no right to complain about my life right now because somewhere in New Orleans...my brother may be watching a mother watching her children starve...My brother may be trapt inside a house alone with no food or water to drink.  My brother could quite possibly be doing everything he can to help people that can't help themselves right now and being a hero.  My brother could be praying harder than he's ever prayed in his life for me in hopes that I & my sister don't let our lives go to waste...

And a hard and simple truth of the matter is...my brother could quite possibly be dead right now.   

So as of now...I really don't have a right to do nothing with my life.  I can sit here and cry about it some more...cause yeah...it does make me sad to think about him being there...but right now...I choose to use this day to honor my brother...honor him by honoring myself...by not taking this day for granted...by enjoying what I do have which is my family, my friends, and people who love me...by going out and thanking Maheo for letting me borrow yet another day in this world...I choose to honor my brother today...and pray that whatever he is doing...wherever he may be right now...he can feel my light and that of all those that love him and are thinking of him now...

I miss you Ivan...I love you and I have faith you will make yourself known soon...
 






My prayers go out to everyone in the world today...The Middle East as well as the people affected by the Hurricane.  May Maheo give you peace.

Little brother's...

Aren't they the greatest?

Phone pix are teh radness...

Ooh crazy dc 49's. Just trying to check out the new cell phone posting...Good times...

The weekend...

Friday night...I did nada. I think I went to sleep watching ROTs for the bajillionth time some time around 12. I just wanted a laid back night to myself cause my roomate went out to spend his hard earned paycheck...

Saturday night...Earlier in the week I got an exciting email from a myspacer I have long known on myspace for a while but somehow we were never in the same places to meet. When he invited to put me on the Guest list for Club 5 this weekend, of course I couldn't refuse. (DENY ANYONE TO MEET THE EVER LOVELY AND SEXY JOIGAZM? Perish the thought...hahaha). So for most of the day I did a little html stuff for my old blog that I still write in from time to time. It looked too plain and shabby so I spruced it up simple but with my own no heart girl flair. I like it...it's me. I had planned on going to Platinum with tha sista's but...urg...I dispise platinum with a passion. As I so politely described it to my friend Joey...its for people who have low self-esteem or don't know any better. hahahaha...something. So anyways...of course I got wrapped up in doing my html magic and it was already 9 o'clock. Fuck...so I called Joey to make sure he was running late and by the hammer of thor...he was...THANK GODDESS. So I run over to my place...find something that's not too plain and not too shabby and try to fix my hair some way cause lord knows its going to just get fucked up anyway by the rain. It looked cute. So Joey shows up an hour later but by this time I'm all into Nip/Tuck cause I want to see what the rage is about. (It was cool but I don't know if I'd make efforts to be a regular viewer...and despite numerous claims...that episode didn't have sex in it...BOOOO) After it was over, me and teh joey walk our walk to Five. We get there, and Joey gets too feel all important cause "we're on the guest list" and walk our happy asses upstairs to the roof. We got the back bar VIP area and immediately I got to meet the ever lovely Nikki...Chaz's beautiful significant other.
She points me to Chaz who is by the bar and was immediately greeted with a hug and of course...PICTURES!



Chaz and the Beautiful Nikki



Then night then flutters into all our useless banter and putting eachother down cause...Real men play PS2...CHAZ!...And Joey with his girlie drinks.




We laid in the hammocks and enjoyed the the awesome light refreshments (toosie pops and chips...yeah baby) As I lay there I must have been deep in thought cause this girl next to me just starts talking to me and I barely noticed. But eventually she gets my attention and we quickly become gossip girls and dish out the story of our lives to eachother. We gave eachother advice and it was awesome.

Laying in that hammock I remember thinking to myself...this is my life. This is me. Which totally took me into another state of mind that I probably write another blog about if I get the courage to. But as I checked my phone I see that Martina is happily awaiting our arrival at cobalt so we hug our goodbyes and bid each other adieu...but not before Joey threatens to steal the candy bowl and gives a quick pole dance for Nikki. ;)


Me and Joey enjoy a beautiful evening stroll with rain pouring down softly on our faces but it was a nice warm rain...the kind that you would wish for on a romantic night. We finally track down cobalt and get a few dances in with Martina and Ro. It was fun. We capped off the night with some Mickey deez and parted ways. All in all it that night was majorly fun. I enjoyed it immensely.

Sunday...Another laid back day with things heavy on my mind. I slept most of the day.

All in all GREAT weekend.

Pass the Endorphins please!

I just started my "Project You!" Video series recently in order to better myself physically (which for me is a big deal cause I hardly ever take the time to invest in myself). I did the lower body work out ab/legs and the cardio. The cardio wasn't that bad. I liked it actually. Got the old heart rate up...but the fucking lower ab and legs...fucking aye...I don't think I've ever felt my ass unless I get that tingly sensation you get after something falls asleep. I feel good. I can't be discouraged. I feel good. I feel I accomplished something for myself today. I'm satisfied. I wanna quit smoking so bad and I think that's one of my strongest vices right now. There is still a semi whole pack back in my apt calling my name as we speak. I'm sure I will give in although to test my resolve, I shouldn't. I have the devil and angel on my shoulders battling it out to see who gets the better of me.

And fuck alcohol in the ass. That is probably something that I have more problem with doing than anything. Not that I'm a big ole alkie. Its just that I have no desire to drink. The "fun" of it has lost it's shiney and no longer captivates my interest. For any reason what so ever. I used to strive to be social and the one that "isn't ruining everyone else's good time". I can be a happy drunk. And Yeah I have had many a good time doing it. But being here in D.C. under these circumstances. Its so not worth it. I have a bajillion reasons not to drink. I think the up most being my mother is drinking herself to death as we speak. I promised the little girl I used to be I would never become her. I have yet to drink by myself, let alone make it a regular thing. But living with my room mate and his antics just don't cut it for me anymore. Sunday when I was at my lowest emotionally he suggested I go out with him and drink the night away. The fact that he even suggested sparked a new resolve in how much that fucking isn't me and how I fucking dilute myself about how much a more put together person he is. He literally dragged me out the door cause he felt it was what I "needed". *rolls eyes* Who the fuck needs alcohol? Needless to say he learned his lesson and it made my case in point of why the fuck I didn't want to do it in the first place. Such is life.

Eating....I think I've eatin a total of 5 handfuls of goldfish crackers. Drank 2 cokes, a ton of water, a cripsy chicken salad from BK, like 10 fries, 4 starbursts and a half a lemon chicken sandwich since sunday. Oh wait...I had a cupful of beef fried rice and I MADE myself do that. Now that's not healthy eating by any means. I'm just not as hungry as I used to be. I feel my tummy but it doesn't "hurt" and food doesn't interest me. If I had the money I'd actually try to do something about it but as it is...I'm poorer than a mutha fucka. I can't even afford ramen. Such is life.

I'm just doing my best to get a job asap so i don't have to rely on stupid roomate for money. (which we would have things to fucking eat if he didn't spend all of MY money and his this fucking weekend to drink) I hate him for that. Hate hate hate him. Such is life. He's moving out next month. I can't stand to live with him cause he has that whole machismo thing going on. But whatever.

Can I just say I fucking HATE D.C. WEATHER! HEAT is one thing...but the fucking humidity! Maheo give me a break!

ick.

And home again

Home

A child's morning laughter lingers soundly in the breeze.
Walking the careful path back home with gentleness and ease.
Do I know where I'm going? I suppose home is where I please.
Yet the word for home is empty cause I've seemed to lost my keys.

I can't help who I am right now though I know I can be more.
You've tapped my one insecurity and it pains me to the core.
Do I lay down and stay a victim? That's not what love is for.
My heart is at its strongest but how much more will it endure?

I can't help who I am right now though it's hard to be this weak.
I can't instantly give you answers or the happiness you seek.
I can no longer be a victim and pretend to be this meek.
I can only go on alone cause aggravation is all we speak.

I couldn't stand to love another. Even this I tried not to want.
I'm all the girl you needed but perhaps that was just a front.
I can't tell what I'm doing. My words are vague & blunt.
Maybe I fooled myself again and played an idiot savant.

Confusion is all that lingers. I don't know what I want for me.
Next to you is all I wanted and now that place I cannot be.
Does that mean that I give up, like I tend to easily?
Hell no. I'll just keep on going for one day, my love, you'll see.

I'll keep on trying harder so that you can never say I didn't do my best.
I'll continue to live my life for me so as to put your mind at rest.
Your challenge is for the better so I'll gladly accept this test.
So that when we look back at this time, it will just be all in jest.

My goals will come to fruition so that my soul I can appease
I'll continue to wear my ring and promise kept on bended knees.
So when a child's morning laughter still lingers in the breeze.
I can carefully walk back home with gentleness and ease.

How it feels to be "Home"....

I think my dad pretty much summed up my world when he posed the question...

”How does it feel to be home? Or whatever you call home these days...”

I can't really say that I know what home feels like anymore. I think I've come to that point where I've jaded myself out so much that in a very cynical type of way I wouldn't know what "home" felt like even if it slapped me in the face. I live a lot of places. And many more places I am always welcome. I have a couch in Wyoming that will always be available to rest my head on. Martin has my D.C. escape when I need to get away. I know I’m always welcome to live at my grandma’s in Oklahoma. And the Harjo’s are more than happy to give me their surrogate daughter a spare room if I’m ever in Texas. The list goes on…

I think of the things I used to call home and wonder to myself where that feeling went or why I let it go. I live a restless life. I never know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I think I do. And all my plans always sound really good. But in the mean time I’m lost cause none of it motivates me or moves me in such a way that I’m eager to get to that point or that place I would like to call home.

I dunno…I was just thinking about that today as I was brushing my niece’s hair. I call her my mini me cause she totally reminds me of me when I was her age. Just sitting in the chair and brushing out all the tangles out of her long Seminole hair after she just got out of the bath reminded me of the countless times my mom used to do that for me. As a little girl I remember thinking to myself…one day I’ll get to do that for my daughter. That’ll be me brushing my daughter’s long black hair only I won’t give my girls Chinese eyes…ha ha ha.

Tucking her in and fighting with her about going to be touched a part of me I haven’t felt in a while. A part of me that I tend to ignore and once thought I could completely do without because being single for so long softly dulled away that longing. I think I let that part of me go as well when I had a miscarriage and lost my son. Losing him was probably one of the worst pains I have ever felt and I never really knew how much I wanted him til I found out he was gone. I let that part of me go because I never wanted to have that experience again.

All things being what they are I know I’m still probably not ready for that time and place where I can get back to being at “Home”. For now I take my comforts in the little things I do get and the little times in life where I can pretend nothing else is more important. Like when I get to play with and take care of my nieces and nephews, my “kids”. Or when I lie next to my beloved and can do nothing else but breathe in his comforts and my adoration for him. Or when my daddy hugs me and I can feel the strength of his love so much I want to cry every time. It’s the little things in life.

I don’t know where this blog is going…just random thoughts for the day I suppose.

A change will do you good...

Good news/Bad news...

Good News...

My hair is getting longer! Yey!

Bad News...
I'm on my own again. Por que? Well lets just say alot of extra stuff outside of us got in the way. That & life just got the better of...I'll say me cause I can only be responsible for what I contributed to the relationship. Which in all honesty was nothing substantial...I'll just say there are only so many times a girl can be understanding before she finds herself alone. But those are the breaks I suppose. The prices we will happily pay to be with the ones we love.

Is it over over forever and ever..Hell no. My heart belongs to only one. But again...being only responsible for me. I have to be a little more established in life before I will choose to give up everything again to be in love. Which for me means paying people back for what they lent me over the past month...getting a real job or at least my old job back. And the grand plan of them all. Move to Seattle...and go to school. I'll write more about this later. But for now...that's just the World News Update.

Its funny. The number one reaction I get out of everyone when I tell them that for all intents and purposes...I'm alone again...people are like...Dang Spring, You were like a wild horse that no one could tame and then bam! Someone caught you and you claimed to have been tamed...

Maybe I just wasn't ready to be tamed and thats why it didn't work out. Maybe in the process of wanting to stand still, I figgited a little too much. Who knows. All I know is that, yes, everyone, I'm fine. Just cause I'm back to being miss independent doesn't mean that I stopped loving him or him me. Its just the breaks for this moment in time. He's still the one my heart belongs too. But my path still is going in a direction not quite parallel to his...

Maybe someday.

Fear is the path to the darkside...

So recently me and Leslie have come into reality. Our reality as a couple. My move here was made on a whim...Our whim...without any real plan or thought to unwanted consequences. So of course, our consequences hit us smack in our face. And as it were...with all our dreams coming into fruition...we have a set-back...Right now I'm jobless living with my mother...at first just for a visit...then it was to take care of her because she is sick...and now it is out of necessity...not just cause my mom is sick...but because our home is being renovated. How long will that take? I don't know. Could be a long while. And in the midst of all this...we've equally become stressed with other things such as job, money, and family and had inturn reverted to our independent reactions rather than reacting as a partnership. Why? Cause that's what we do. It has put more than a slight strain on our resolve. More so me cause the Aries in me loves the dramatic. The Pisces in him takes the quiet cool route keeping feelings and fears within so as not to burden the populus. In turn, I have recently brought up old feelings and fears to compensate over the silence. Which if you're trying to keep a relationship going strong, then you have to recognize and let go of the heavy baggage you're bringing into the new one. I admit it...I've gone through every fear I've ever had in past relationship and made them somewhat real in this one. Some of my concerns aren't unfounded mind you. He learned at an early age to never reveal a weaknesses. It makes him good at what he does as person and a fuckin mighty fine chess player I might add. So with this process, I've come to learn a very different side of him I wasn't quite accustomed to. I've fallen victim to that yucky co-dependant mode where I make up excuses for him and on top of that started being whiney. Which I hate. That obviously doesn't work. So I tried to take the quiet route and that doesn't work either. The more I was quiet, the more the fears would fester and grow.

As someone wise once said..."Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." (I had to...hahahaha...)

Life isn't always going to be perfect. But if you take a step back and remember why this is real in the first place...and examine why this unexpected and unwanted moment in your relationship is happening...It's easier to let go of the things that seem so intrusive and abrupt. I have one of the biggest egos in the world. But I'm also one of the biggest closet romantics...I'm not perfect by any means...letting go because things aren't going my way isn't the answer...and I tend to give up easily when things aren't handed to me or my weakness is shown too early. My relationship isn't a chess game I'm trying to beat him at...If one of us is winning, then who is losing? All I know is that for all the things I don't got that I would profoundly like to have at this moment...all I have to do is remember that one moment...that perfect moment...where the all the lights of vegas went unoticed...during a very needed cab ride in december...when the words were sung in silence with gestures...interpreted by the king himself...I couldn't help falling in love...That moment captured my heart forever...

Something...

How do you keep a long distance relationship happy?

Webcams baby....my man is haute...hahaha...

To the man who gave me life...

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

My Father....

There's a certain sparkle in your eyes that seems to
captivate me. For the past 48 years you have lived and seen more than many could hope to dream. For the past 25 years you have loved me the best way you could and taught me everthing I know about being a powerful abundant leader. And that is what I will continue to strive to be. Your presence brings peace to all those who seek it and are therefore comforted. And have shown me what love could be so that I will never settle. I get my strengh and beauty through your eyes. And I can think of no other person in the world that I could have chosen to call my daddy.

Mvto for all that you are and all the you continue to be for me. Maheo has truely blessed us both..

I love you, Daddy.

Love,
Sunshine


Left: My dad Right: Me.

My Friend Dirty D!

DirtyD's ish...

I love this girl to death. She's wicked awesome.

I need some Gratitude to go with my Coffee...

This morning my best friend brought me some coffee cause he knows I was butt ass tired and needed it. Not only did he get it but he didn't have to ask me which flavor I prefer...He remembered for like the first time ever that I like Carmel Macchiato's...I know it doesn't sound like alot...but its awesome when you're best friends just know things about you and you don't have to ask...

If that made any sense...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Benji. You're my Angel...I love you.

Yeah I'm a fuckin geek..what's new...

*New Star Wars Layout...hell yes.

*Took the day off...hell yes.

*Got my ticket to the Wy (6:30 am/19th)...hell yes.

*Put my two weeks notice in at work yesterday...hell yes.

*they're gonna try to transfer me so I won't have a break in service(Fed Gov rocks)...hell fucking yes.

*My daddy is starting to miss me already...Suck.

*Its been a year and a half on myspace and it still rocks my face...hell yes.

*Cinco de Mayo was funny...particularly when the birthday girl wanted to feel my boobs and then got all shamed out like a virgin after she did....all 3 times...funny.

*Good weekend a coming on...hell yes.

Call it paranoia...

Shit is going to hit the fan today. I have this amazing dreadful feeling in my stomach. Call it intuition. Call it paranoia. Things have been going so well with my significant other that it isn't bound to last for long. That and I had the shittiest scary dream last night. A dream that makes no sense but still managed to scare the fuck out of me.

So me and a friend of mine decide to crash at my grandparents house of all places (located in bumfuck oklahoma) and when we get there this is this very strange man dressed in a dark black trench coat and he had no face. Just a grey blur...and he was drunk. So my grandma told him to sleep in on the other side of the house. Just being around him in my dream gave me a creepy feeling.(*side note the last time I felt like that is when these spirits were bothering me when I was 5) So I walk him to his room to make sure he goes in there and then I try to find a room on the opposite side of the house close to my grandparents room but for some reason all the rooms are taken. So we end up having to sleep in the living room. My friend wants to sleep in another room close to the guy cause there is one free but I flat out refuse but at the same time I don't wanna be left alone by any circumstances cause I'm deathly afraid of the dark. Then all of a sudden my dead best friend's (still living I presume but not sure) dad comes to me in my dream. He starts performing a medicine ceremony for me. Smoking me with sweet grass and sage and praying for me. This manages to calm me down and then he rubs salt water on the back of my hand with a green cloth. Salt water with sage oil. He continues to massage the back of my hand and pray for me and I become amazingly calm. Then a co-worker of my mine from work whom I have no real contact with comes and sits next to me on the couch I'm sitting on. She doesn't say anything but she has this potted plant sittin on her lap for some reason I'm compelled to just touch. Not the plant itself but the soil. I rest my hand there. The next thing I know I get up and i'm in the kitchen with my sister Kelli who is very pissed off that my little brother Michael is drunk. I manage to dodge him cause I don't want to deal with him and he whines to Kelli he only had a little rum to drink with his coke...she's hella fucking pissed and in the process of telling me this...the door to the garage that's next to me slightly opens. I was like What the fuck...a draft...then when I try to close it I find it won't close. I try to push it back and then I realize someone is trying to push it back open. I then jerk it all the way open and I see this man standing in front of me he's slightly balding with brownish hair and eh's wearing a suit. I know that doesn't sound meanacing but his eyes...just something about his eyes woke me straight out of my sleep crying.

I didn't even wanna open my eyes when I was awake for fear I might see something I wasn't prepared to see. (i.e. spirits, lights, or energy...Its been happening often around me lately...I've chosen to ignore most of it for the most part)I was so scared that even the comfort of knowing my best friend was mere feet away didn't comfort me. I laid there for like ten minutes and prayed that Leslie by some miricle call me. I finally had to wake my friend Ben up like a little damn kid and tell him I had a bad dream. He sat with me til I went to sleep. That was no fun. A shit and a half really. I had a better dream right after that. I saved a girl from committing suicide by getting her to appricate herself and all of Maheo (god/Grandfather/Great mystery or whathaveyou) creations, the colous, the tranquility...

It's all something. And I still have this bad feeling. It could be that its still just reverberating from the dream...but...yeah...something.

I am...whatever you say I am...

"If I wasn't then why would you say I am?" ~ Eminem...


Tonite was just one of those nights. One of those nights you're not really interested in having...but having the memory of one person is worth enduring all else...

I love my sister to death...that's all I'll say. That and I'm truely happy and proud that she landed a fucking kick ass job. WTG, my love.

For the rest of the people involved with tonite. Thank you. I truely had a lovely night. Cassie was awesome...Doofie...you're a fabulous dancer...you just don't know it yet...and Shannon...a class all her own...

And for the hour and a half conversation I had with my (future) husband...It was great my love. I miss you soo fucking much it makes my heart sick but at the same time so joyous that I even have someone to love and miss that much. I know it's a miricle that people should love and want another as we do...but I cherish and am humbled and grateful to be so blessed.

You're the best, you're the best, you're the best. I wanna say sorry for the tears but I'm not...You're heart should be physically next to mine always. I'll accept that it is here spiritually and be content. I pray I'll always get that nicotine like rush of adreniline rush I get when you utter those 3 perfect words to me.

I love you.

Randoms

[Shameless website plug?...I think so...]

Even though it's not finished yet...

And jury Duty blows ass, can I just tell you that...

21 more days til I make the big move...

Went to the carival last night and had a blast.

This picture rocks my face:



I should be in bed but I'm not.

Krispy Kreme for breakfast me thinks...

My inner child...

I just had a very eye opening conversation with my father regarding a certain part of me that is buried so deep I’ve become numb to it. Something that’s been a pain and affects my life so that it keeps me overweight, it keeps me in debt, it keeps me from achieving or even striving for my dream and it keeps me from expanding my already awesome life. Basically what it all boils down to is that I’m not worthy or more specifically, I am not a worthy person. It’s what kept me from Leslie so long that if it wasn’t for him knowing better and looking deeper than the front I was putting up, I would still be wandering lost doing nothing.

I think I’m not worthy. Something very deep inside believes without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to have money. I’m not worthy to be fit, I wasn’t worthy of Leslie, I’m not worthy of affecting native children’s lives in a way that changed the world. I’ve become an expert at being numb to my pain. I do have moment thats I enjoy and I enjoy in spite of myself but it all seems to be short lived because this belief creeps upon me and plays on all my fears. I start to think to myself I don’t deserve it so I should stop being happy I got it.

Why?

Because sometime a long time ago someone told that little child inside me that he* wasn’t worthy and he wouldn’t amount to anything. He is the one that keeps me from accepting most of reality cause I am forever catering to his bruised ego. He’s also kept me going and without him I wouldn’t be here today. But that’s a wound that I need to heal and quickly before I start another cycle in my new life with Leslie. (*Yes my inner child is a boy hence two-spirited)

I don’t have an immediate resolution to this revelation but I thought I would lay it down so I can come up with a solution. If I don’t then I’ll continue to ignore it and perpetuate this seemingly never ending cycle on my future husband and our kid(s). And right now they mean more to me than holding on to this negativity...

Something.

On very mini-haitus...

I got picked for Jury Duty...whoopty do...5 business days and however long we deliberate...fun fun fun...bleh...



basically up the creek without a paddle til then...good times.

Noche Del Fuego

Saturday night I couldn't resist the urge to go and dance the night away yet again with the beautiful Latin hawtness of D.C.


Us before we went in the club...Drunk already perhaps?


The club is already crunk and jumpin...we walked in like super modles that owned the joint.


Doing a once over to check out the tasty morsels...


But not before we load up on drinkies...


The rest of the night consisted of Flamenco...



Drag Queen Divaz


Sexy Latin Boys(above Martin below, Rudolpho, Danny, and I forget his name...)




More Alk...


ass grabbing and breastesez appriciation...


All in all a good night...notice how we look more sober than when we went in...hahaha..good times...