Sunday, September 18

And the world is new.

Reading my last blog really makes me wish that I would've blogged more during the military years. Most of those beginning blogs are dust in the wind now that myspace is gone but such is life.

For now, the mini update would be that I'm now a mother of two. A wife of six years to a disabled vet. I have an ornery dog and two cats.  We own a home in a provincial town just outside the boundaries of my reservation. I have a good job that pays me well to do what I've always done.  Its a pretty decent life and yet...I feel a sort of restlessness, I suppose.

Right now I'm binge watching Girls. Its taken over my spot where Sex and the City resided in my heart because its basically what my 20's were.  I was a twenty something selfish shit who didn't know shit about shit. A girl who didn't know where she was going or what the hell she was doing. It reminds me of shitty and not so shitty past lovers. All the times I was pretty sure I would never remember but thankfully I do. It reminds me of D.C. And my last years there. Jared and I's beginning. Which made me go through some old pictures and I came across this little gem.

I thought I looked super ugly but I remember thinking at the time that regardless of how I looked in that moment...I needed to take a pic of this moment. Where I was actually in love with my partner and even though we were poor. We had our studio apartment in downtown D.C. and life was grand. It just makes me a little grateful and sad all at the same time.  Now that I'm settled and starting my "forever" life, it makes me all the more anxious to accept that I'm going back to D.C. in 2 weeks.

I haven't been to D.C. since we moved away from Fort Bragg five years ago. My boss volunteered me for a much needed class at training headquarters in Virginia and it got approved and now I'm going. I'm slightly freaked about it and I don't know why. A week without my kids or my husband. A week on my own in a town that shape who I am. I don't know quite how to feel about it.  All I know is that it's a lot to process right now.

And episode 5 of Season 1 totally happened to me...but I'll have to write that in another blog. There is just some shit I have to get off my chest that I don't think I ever could here. But I digress. Anyway.   I'm back...and I hope to write at least one blog everyday. <3 We'll see how it goes....until then. Cheerio.

Friday, September 10

Its been a long time...again

I'm sitting here contemplating going to sleep...but trying to find reasons not to.

So I decided to write a blog! LOL

I had a productive day today.  I got up and got keh and me dressed on time.  Out the door on time...made it to the sitter's a little early so I deviated from routine and took my daughter to breakfast.  She had to bring her blankie into Dunkin Donuts with us...which I didn't even mind.  I ordered her some hash browns and caramel ice latte that was super delicious.  We just sat for a few and people watched. 

The we hopped back in the car because I still wanted to be at work "on time" and I dropped her off at Miss Chrissie's.  She walked in without much fuss...she loves her sitter and her kids for which I am completely and utterly grateful for...I am trying my best not to think about the last time I will drop her hurts and makes this wet shit come out of my eyes.  lol


Today at work my mission was to be completely productive...well mission was to go around my ego and be productive anyway....I'm already starting to feel the push of not wanting to acknowledge that this impending move will be upon us soon enough.  60 days more or less.  My ego is showing up by distracting me as to avoid cleaning my desk and starting the winding down process of leaving OTSG better than when I found it.  Which believe me is no easy task.  LOL Because all of us are consistently busy and also because...I don't want it to be real.  It sucks and is a blessing I love my job.  I finally have a solid repoire with a stubborn co-worker that I appreciate...My bosses couldn't be more amazing and understanding...and I make great money for not being a college grad yet. 

So semi losing the productivity battle til lunch, my husband comes along to say hello.  He's having one of his worst days and only asks for my prayers of clarity.  I can feel the energy behind his words but I reassure him that whatever fuck up he may have committed...that his opportunity to fix it would come..and that having 9 months of not having his ego get in the way of our progress as a family has been absolutely amazing.  An ego push was bound to happen and that it was just a reminder of how letting his self-sabotage tendencies feels like.  This moment was just a stepping stone and our life is on track.  He got it because I meant it.

He also got me new boots because my other ones were a tad too small.  Its nice to be spoiled sometimes.

Feeling guilty for not being super productive I bid my love a good day and set off to find something to eat in this late hour of the afternoon.  I drove to fill up my gas tank and then I started back to work.  Not feeling to hungry I thought it would be unwise to not eat I drove past work slowly and went to panera. 

Frontega Chicken and Broccoli and Cheese soup.  Ate the sammich...saved the soup.

Back at work, I started busting ass doing the menial things I've been putting organizing folders to be given to the analysts and making labels...processing payments...clearing off my desk...

no sooner did I get started that I noticed it was quitting time....

30 minutes after I could have left...I did leave...being productive gets addicting but I made myself stop because I really do just wanna hold my baby today. 

Zip to the sitter's and like always those chubby little arms raise in exclamation "MOMMY!"

How can anyone have a shitty day when coming home to that?

Get baby in the car and channel my iphone to play the latest installment of the mike o mera show...I'm addicted literally...laughing to those fools talk destresses me like no other...and am grateful for their banter.  It helps remind me life is too serious to take seriously. 

When my little podcast ends...I'm usually home and time to focus on feeding my little monster.  Lucky for me I have my broccoli and cheese soup.  Luckier still...she loves it and eats the whole bowl by herself.  Can't complain...its better than just a few of whatever else I would have cooked her. 

After dinner I get ready to watch my redbox...Date Movie...I don't have high expectations for it but I was pleasantly surprised and amused.  I did have some laugh out loud moments and dub it worthy of my dollar from the redbox...Keh did me the honor of just snuggling up in my arms and being still while we watched...she eventually went to sleep in my arms and was out by 8.  BRILLIANT!  When Date Movie was over my dad magically appeared just as I was plotting ways to get my redbox back before 9 pm...the golden hour in which my dollar rental becomes a two dollar rental. 

I made it with 7 minutes to spare and grabbed some milk to replenish Keya's supply.  Got home 10 minutes later and decided to watch Ip man 2 before I had to send it to my beloved overseas. I think I fell in love with the first one deeper, although this one was very decent. 

11 pm.

facebook around...myspace around...then I decide to write this note....

what was the point of all this diatribe?  Nothing....just wanted to write.

Hi. :) LOL

Thursday, May 7

My life, my life, my the sunshine! LOL

There truly is no place to start.

I'm a mother. 

I'm someone's food source, guidance, love, support, teacher, student, and best friend for the rest of their lives.

I'm someone's mother.

Tonite at 12:29 AM she will officially be 2 weeks old.  That two weeks has sped by so fast that I can hardly think of all the memories created in that short span of time.

My daughter, Keya Rilee Anson has completely changed my life for the better.  She's humbled me.  She's softened me.  She's made me a more patient and loving person. 

Keya's ACTUAL birth was a piece of cake.  The epidual kicked in immediately and after that I couldn't feel the contractions that were off the scale anymore.  I went through 2 days of CRAZY pain because my cervix would NOT dialte more than 1 cm.  I went to the hospital twice and even though the contractions were crazy painful (I could compare them to other moms to be in the hospital and theirs were NO WHERE NEAR what mine were.  Not trying to brag but you can ask my sister.)  And what made it worse is nothing could be done til I dialated to a 3 AT least. 

I guess it was all heighted due to the fact that my little one was already late, she decided she wanted to be a taurus, my grandma/namesake made the journey back to the creator, and dealing with Army issues and Jared and just trying to keep focused so I didn't kirk out.  That was all just the week Keh was late. 

So compared to THAT.  Keh's actual birth...the whole hour it took to really push her out...was a piece of cake.  I will even go as far to say the contractions/urge to push...whilst they appeared painful...where actually incredibly enjoyable.  Yes, Miss Neta...Orgasmic birth is possible...with working epidural. LOL.

The only really annoying part about it was people telling me to push harder.  Um...yeah...I PUSHED HARD AS POSSIBLE EVERYTIME.  Weirdos.

Another great part was Jared.  For someone who "Didn't no nuthin bout birthin no babies", he was the perfect coach.  My love held my hand and gave me positive and loving reinforcement every step of the way.  He showed up and was at his best and with him in one hand and my best friend/sister in the other...We welcomed keya to a world surrounded by love.  Her first breath was witnessed by those who love her the most.  And yes, her daddy did cut the cord.  LOL He did it like a champ. LOL.

Speaking of which...I truly believe that Keya waited for her dad to be there.  Within an hour of him showing up...he had time to mingle with our friends that sat in the waiting room for our miracle to appear and then time to go to work helping mommy.  My little turtle is every intuative and is a great manifester.  She'll never do what she doesn't want to do...stubborn taurus...but if you explain things to her...she'll do what is asked of her.  I can go into detail later but that's like a whole blog in itself. 

So it is...Keya Rilee Anson made her appearance in the world two weeks ago tonite.  She was 7 lbs 14 oz and when RE-measured...she was 21 inches long. It was funny to me because when they took her to be cleaned I was like (to jared) baby our daughter needs you.  He kissed me on the forehead and talked her through what was going on.  My sister took pics...and I got to think...and pray.  I just thanked the creator for that first breath.  I thanked him for a great birth.  And I just was thankful to him...and my grandmother for keeping us all safe that night. 

Right after Keya was born, my sister and my father had to dash home to get ready to go back to Oklahoma for the funeral.  They puposely held it back so that Kelli and my dad (who didn't want to miss his latest grandchild's birth) could be at Keya's first day.  My dad and Kelli were on a plane hours later.  Jared drove my dad home and I got to spend a few moments alone with Keya.  It was like a perfect dream.  She has my nose.  She has daddy's hands and feet. LOL.  She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  And even though its STILL sinking in that I'm actually someone's mom...thinking about life without her ever is unfathomable. She's our little slice of heaven.  I can't wait for y'all to meet her.

And I especially can't wait for Keya to meet her bffs...Aiyana and Maya.  (Why does that somehow sound ghey?) Ya ya ya.  LOL

Tuesday, December 18

Brand New Dey.

One day its day its gone. Well I suppose I'll enjoy it for now. Lately at work when I have nothing to preoccupy myself, I've been hanging around Its not bad. Its like myspace for the plus-size diva. The good thing about it is I only have to be myself around them...the bad thing about it is some of the ladies are a little too big for their britches...metaphorically speaking of course. I'm sure that's just women in general but some women just tick me off with their self-loathing and bitching about things that are trivial. I know I bitch about things that in the grand scheme are trival but these guys...idk. I dunno. I need to stop being so judgmental. I've made a friend or two. So I guess I'll shut up about it for now.

What else...My brain is off as usual. I'll write more laters. ;)