Saturday, April 23

My inner child...

I just had a very eye opening conversation with my father regarding a certain part of me that is buried so deep I’ve become numb to it. Something that’s been a pain and affects my life so that it keeps me overweight, it keeps me in debt, it keeps me from achieving or even striving for my dream and it keeps me from expanding my already awesome life. Basically what it all boils down to is that I’m not worthy or more specifically, I am not a worthy person. It’s what kept me from Leslie so long that if it wasn’t for him knowing better and looking deeper than the front I was putting up, I would still be wandering lost doing nothing.

I think I’m not worthy. Something very deep inside believes without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to have money. I’m not worthy to be fit, I wasn’t worthy of Leslie, I’m not worthy of affecting native children’s lives in a way that changed the world. I’ve become an expert at being numb to my pain. I do have moment thats I enjoy and I enjoy in spite of myself but it all seems to be short lived because this belief creeps upon me and plays on all my fears. I start to think to myself I don’t deserve it so I should stop being happy I got it.


Because sometime a long time ago someone told that little child inside me that he* wasn’t worthy and he wouldn’t amount to anything. He is the one that keeps me from accepting most of reality cause I am forever catering to his bruised ego. He’s also kept me going and without him I wouldn’t be here today. But that’s a wound that I need to heal and quickly before I start another cycle in my new life with Leslie. (*Yes my inner child is a boy hence two-spirited)

I don’t have an immediate resolution to this revelation but I thought I would lay it down so I can come up with a solution. If I don’t then I’ll continue to ignore it and perpetuate this seemingly never ending cycle on my future husband and our kid(s). And right now they mean more to me than holding on to this negativity...


No comments: