tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36836512024-02-18T20:58:01.118-05:00Girl Born a No Heart..."Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." ~ William ShakespeareSpringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.comBlogger301125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-20376143022453985932016-09-18T05:36:00.003-04:002016-09-18T05:36:51.236-04:00And the world is new.Reading my last blog really makes me wish that I would've blogged more during the military years. Most of those beginning blogs are dust in the wind now that myspace is gone but such is life.<br />
<br />
For now, the mini update would be that I'm now a mother of two. A wife of six years to a disabled vet. I have an ornery dog and two cats. We own a home in a provincial town just outside the boundaries of my reservation. I have a good job that pays me well to do what I've always done. Its a pretty decent life and yet...I feel a sort of restlessness, I suppose.<br />
<br />
Right now I'm binge watching Girls. Its taken over my spot where Sex and the City resided in my heart because its basically what my 20's were. I was a twenty something selfish shit who didn't know shit about shit. A girl who didn't know where she was going or what the hell she was doing. It reminds me of shitty and not so shitty past lovers. All the times I was pretty sure I would never remember but thankfully I do. It reminds me of D.C. And my last years there. Jared and I's beginning. Which made me go through some old pictures and I came across this little gem.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFUueTtR3KagcgNuEv1rH0gmp88ntwobu0F6RtHnbVzSqgE2kFKvtUlslFS3uBjYB614hOKxlVToa2TbMPfG5Y6ufu3_jbm1kBK6OuXuoyRLQFdzDMQ2xEc2gjv277NANkWOPNbw/s1600/Bane65.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFUueTtR3KagcgNuEv1rH0gmp88ntwobu0F6RtHnbVzSqgE2kFKvtUlslFS3uBjYB614hOKxlVToa2TbMPfG5Y6ufu3_jbm1kBK6OuXuoyRLQFdzDMQ2xEc2gjv277NANkWOPNbw/s320/Bane65.jpg" width="240" /></a><br />
<br />
I thought I looked super ugly but I remember thinking at the time that regardless of how I looked in that moment...I needed to take a pic of this moment. Where I was actually in love with my partner and even though we were poor. We had our studio apartment in downtown D.C. and life was grand. It just makes me a little grateful and sad all at the same time. Now that I'm settled and starting my "forever" life, it makes me all the more anxious to accept that I'm going back to D.C. in 2 weeks. <br />
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I haven't been to D.C. since we moved away from Fort Bragg five years ago. My boss volunteered me for a much needed class at training headquarters in Virginia and it got approved and now I'm going. I'm slightly freaked about it and I don't know why. A week without my kids or my husband. A week on my own in a town that shape who I am. I don't know quite how to feel about it. All I know is that it's a lot to process right now.<br />
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And episode 5 of Season 1 totally happened to me...but I'll have to write that in another blog. There is just some shit I have to get off my chest that I don't think I ever could here. But I digress. Anyway. I'm back...and I hope to write at least one blog everyday. <3 We'll see how it goes....until then. Cheerio. <br />
Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-19911743726913573192010-09-10T08:13:00.000-04:002013-01-05T08:13:56.487-05:00Its been a long time...againI'm sitting here contemplating going to sleep...but trying to find reasons not to.<br /><br />So I decided to write a blog! LOL<br /><br />I
had a productive day today. I got up and got keh and me dressed on
time. Out the door on time...made it to the sitter's a little early so I
deviated from routine and took my daughter to breakfast. She had to
bring her blankie into Dunkin Donuts with us...which I didn't even
mind. I ordered her some hash browns and juice...me...a caramel ice
latte that was super delicious. We just sat for a few and people
watched. <br /><br />The we hopped back in the car because I still wanted
to be at work "on time" and I dropped her off at Miss Chrissie's. She
walked in without much fuss...she loves her sitter and her kids for
which I am completely and utterly grateful for...I am trying my best not
to think about the last time I will drop her off...it hurts and makes
this wet shit come out of my eyes. lol<br /><br />Ugh<br /><br />Today at work
my mission was to be completely productive...well really...my mission
was to go around my ego and be productive anyway....I'm already starting
to feel the push of not wanting to acknowledge that this impending move
will be upon us soon enough. 60 days more or less. My ego is showing
up by distracting me as to avoid cleaning my desk and starting the
winding down process of leaving OTSG better than when I found it. Which
believe me is no easy task. LOL Because all of us are consistently
busy and also because...I don't want it to be real. It sucks and is a
blessing I love my job. I finally have a solid repoire with a stubborn
co-worker that I appreciate...My bosses couldn't be more amazing and
understanding...and I make great money for not being a college grad
yet. <br /><br />So semi losing the productivity battle til lunch, my
husband comes along to say hello. He's having one of his worst days and
only asks for my prayers of clarity. I can feel the energy behind his
words but I reassure him that whatever fuck up he may have
committed...that his opportunity to fix it would come..and that having 9
months of not having his ego get in the way of our progress as a family
has been absolutely amazing. An ego push was bound to happen and that
it was just a reminder of how letting his self-sabotage tendencies feels
like. This moment was just a stepping stone and our life is on track.
He got it because I meant it.<br /><br />He also got me new boots because my other ones were a tad too small. Its nice to be spoiled sometimes. <br /><br />Feeling
guilty for not being super productive I bid my love a good day and set
off to find something to eat in this late hour of the afternoon. I
drove to fill up my gas tank and then I started back to work. Not
feeling to hungry I thought it would be unwise to not eat anything...so I
drove past work slowly and went to panera. <br /><br />Frontega Chicken and Broccoli and Cheese soup. Ate the sammich...saved the soup.<br /><br />Back
at work, I started busting ass doing the menial things I've been
putting off...like organizing folders to be given to the analysts and
making labels...processing payments...clearing off my desk...<br /><br />no sooner did I get started that I noticed it was quitting time....<br /><br />30
minutes after I could have left...I did leave...being productive gets
addicting but I made myself stop because I really do just wanna hold my
baby today. <br /><br />Zip to the sitter's and like always those chubby little arms raise in exclamation "MOMMY!" <br /><br />How can anyone have a shitty day when coming home to that?<br /><br />Get
baby in the car and channel my iphone to play the latest installment of
the mike o mera show...I'm addicted literally...laughing to those fools
talk destresses me like no other...and am grateful for their banter. It
helps remind me life is too serious to take seriously. <br /><br />When my
little podcast ends...I'm usually home and time to focus on feeding my
little monster. Lucky for me I have my broccoli and cheese soup.
Luckier still...she loves it and eats the whole bowl by herself. Can't
complain...its better than just a few of whatever else I would have
cooked her. <br /><br />After dinner I get ready to watch my redbox...Date
Movie...I don't have high expectations for it but I was pleasantly
surprised and amused. I did have some laugh out loud moments and dub it
worthy of my dollar from the redbox...Keh did me the honor of just
snuggling up in my arms and being still while we watched...she
eventually went to sleep in my arms and was out by 8. BRILLIANT! When
Date Movie was over my dad magically appeared just as I was plotting
ways to get my redbox back before 9 pm...the golden hour in which my
dollar rental becomes a two dollar rental. <br /><br />I made it with 7
minutes to spare and grabbed some milk to replenish Keya's supply. Got
home 10 minutes later and decided to watch Ip man 2 before I had to send
it to my beloved overseas. I think I fell in love with the first one
deeper, although this one was very decent. <br /><br />11 pm.<br /><br />facebook around...myspace around...then I decide to write this note....<br /><br />what was the point of all this diatribe? Nothing....just wanted to write. <br /><br />Hi. :) LOLSpringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-11299500933879870872009-05-07T08:19:00.000-04:002013-01-05T08:19:51.514-05:00My life, my life, my life...in the sunshine! LOLThere truly is no place to start.<br /><br />I'm a mother. <br /><br />I'm someone's food source, guidance, love, support, teacher, student, and best friend for the rest of their lives.<br /><br />I'm someone's mother.<br /><br />Tonite
at 12:29 AM she will officially be 2 weeks old. That two weeks has
sped by so fast that I can hardly think of all the memories created in
that short span of time.<br /><br />My daughter, Keya Rilee Anson has
completely changed my life for the better. She's humbled me. She's
softened me. She's made me a more patient and loving person. <br /><br />Keya's
ACTUAL birth was a piece of cake. The epidual kicked in immediately
and after that I couldn't feel the contractions that were off the scale
anymore. I went through 2 days of CRAZY pain because my cervix would
NOT dialte more than 1 cm. I went to the hospital twice and even though
the contractions were crazy painful (I could compare them to other moms
to be in the hospital and theirs were NO WHERE NEAR what mine were.
Not trying to brag but you can ask my sister.) And what made it worse
is nothing could be done til I dialated to a 3 AT least. <br /><br />I
guess it was all heighted due to the fact that my little one was already
late, she decided she wanted to be a taurus, my grandma/namesake made
the journey back to the creator, and dealing with Army issues and Jared
and just trying to keep focused so I didn't kirk out. That was all just
the week Keh was late. <br /><br />So compared to THAT. Keh's actual
birth...the whole hour it took to really push her out...was a piece of
cake. I will even go as far to say the contractions/urge to
push...whilst they appeared painful...where actually incredibly
enjoyable. Yes, Miss Neta...Orgasmic birth is possible...with working
epidural. LOL.<br /><br />The only really annoying part about it was people
telling me to push harder. Um...yeah...I PUSHED HARD AS POSSIBLE
EVERYTIME. Weirdos. <br /><br />Another great part was Jared. For someone
who "Didn't no nuthin bout birthin no babies", he was the perfect
coach. My love held my hand and gave me positive and loving
reinforcement every step of the way. He showed up and was at his best
and with him in one hand and my best friend/sister in the other...We
welcomed keya to a world surrounded by love. Her first breath was
witnessed by those who love her the most. And yes, her daddy did cut
the cord. LOL He did it like a champ. LOL. <br /><br />Speaking of
which...I truly believe that Keya waited for her dad to be there.
Within an hour of him showing up...he had time to mingle with our
friends that sat in the waiting room for our miracle to appear and then
time to go to work helping mommy. My little turtle is every intuative
and is a great manifester. She'll never do what she doesn't want to
do...stubborn taurus...but if you explain things to her...she'll do what
is asked of her. I can go into detail later but that's like a whole
blog in itself. <br /><br />So it is...Keya Rilee Anson made her appearance
in the world two weeks ago tonite. She was 7 lbs 14 oz and when
RE-measured...she was 21 inches long. It was funny to me because when
they took her to be cleaned I was like (to jared) baby our daughter
needs you. He kissed me on the forehead and talked her through what was
going on. My sister took pics...and I got to think...and pray. I just
thanked the creator for that first breath. I thanked him for a great
birth. And I just was thankful to him...and my grandmother for keeping
us all safe that night. <br /><br />Right after Keya was born, my sister
and my father had to dash home to get ready to go back to Oklahoma for
the funeral. They puposely held it back so that Kelli and my dad (who
didn't want to miss his latest grandchild's birth) could be at Keya's
first day. My dad and Kelli were on a plane hours later. Jared drove
my dad home and I got to spend a few moments alone with Keya. It was
like a perfect dream. She has my nose. She has daddy's hands and feet.
LOL. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And even though
its STILL sinking in that I'm actually someone's mom...thinking about
life without her ever is unfathomable. She's our little slice of
heaven. I can't wait for y'all to meet her.<br /><br />And I especially can't wait for Keya to meet her bffs...Aiyana and Maya. (Why does that somehow sound ghey?) Ya ya ya. LOLSpringhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-29722002611926439792007-12-18T10:57:00.000-05:002007-12-18T11:24:35.334-05:00Brand New Dey.One day its here...next day its gone. Well I suppose I'll enjoy it for now. Lately at work when I have nothing to preoccupy myself, I've been hanging around CurvyChick.com. Its not bad. Its like myspace for the plus-size diva. The good thing about it is I only have to be myself around them...the bad thing about it is some of the ladies are a little too big for their britches...metaphorically speaking of course. I'm sure that's just women in general but some women just tick me off with their self-loathing and bitching about things that are trivial. I know I bitch about things that in the grand scheme are trival but these guys...idk. I dunno. I need to stop being so judgmental. I've made a friend or two. So I guess I'll shut up about it for now.<br /><br />What else...My brain is off as usual. I'll write more laters. ;)Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-18550824353161841472007-10-09T12:49:00.000-04:002007-10-09T13:05:45.545-04:00Hey again...I guess they decided to give us a reprieve on blogger at work. Too bad I'm tapped out intellectually. I'm tired. Pooped. Drained. But I'll get over it. I need more sleep. Depression=Insominia=Zombie=more depression. But hey! At least I got my flu shot today! :)<br /><br />Gheeeey.<br /><br />Bane started work today and as excited as I should be...I'm holding my breath. Its finally a steady job. A steady pay check. No more of this I might lose my job tomorrow bullshit. Its steady work and steady pay at a very decent wage. Plus, he'll finally have health benefits. FINALLY. I'm happy. But like I said...I'm still holding my breath. I shouldn't...but things with that boy have always been volatile.....blah blah blah...sore subject. I love him and his love for me is unparallel. His in ability to be responsible for himself as well as others irks the shit out of me. Its not that he's not caring...its that he was taught to look out only for yourself. Which doesn't fall in line with the code of family first...<br /><br />Blah blah...I'll stop. He's trying...he's finally got a steady job. Things will be gianormously better. The have to be. Now if i can only get my life in order...I'll be set for life. Something.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-88590611008335320252007-07-16T09:57:00.000-04:002013-01-05T09:58:15.135-05:00RomanticalSo last week I sent a bulletin out regarding the beginning of my
romantical night with Bane. Dude, I almost cried when I opened the door
but I ended up giggling like the hottest guy in high school said hi to
me. That boy is amazing x a million. Posted up against the wall with a
tight white t-shirt tucked into some very fit jeans...his thumbs tucked
just under a big shiny belt buckle...he smiled up at me with his head
cocked to the side and looked from under his staw cowboy hat. Jesse
Katsopolis saying "Have mercy" sprang to mind as I turned to shut and
lock the door. Gawd, I couldn't stop giggling like a school girl. I
don't think anyone has ever affected me the way he does in that outfit.
<br /><br />He then with gentle force he grabbed me by the waist and gave
me an open mouth kiss to die for...literally...to die for...because I
melted right then and there. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven
for sure when the smell of his new cologne registered in my nasal
passages. That new scent is BEAST! (C.O. Bigelow Barber/Elixer Red for
you fellas looking for a new scent...its a panty dropper for sho) Oh
man, oh man, oh man...if that was all he did for me that night it
would've been more than enough...but he didn't stop there. He lead me
to our bathroom that was lit with candles only. My bathtub was filled
with this new Bath and Body works bubble bath and rose petals. He told
me to relax and play the CD he made for me while he finished dinner.
*grin* I relaxed in my still very hot tub and pushed play. I relaxed
the the sounds of John Coltrane's "In a Sentimental mood."<br /><br />Fabulous!<br /><br />When
I was done my medium-well steak was already set out for me along with a
plate full of spagetti (Tres romantical! lol). I saw this fully
bloomed and absolutely gorgeous rose and surprises right next to me as I
ate. Dinner was delicious. He apologized for the whole steak and
spagetti mix...but I assured him it was perfect because he knew they
were of my favorites. He let me open my presents after dinner...(two
pieces of adorable clothing he thought I would like) and then we settled
in and watched my favoritest movie of all time...<br /><br />The Godfather. <br /><br />lol...I
know it sounds funny...but for all the effort and work and thought he
put into it...it was enough to make me well up with pride, gratitude and
tears because its the little things that make being with him worth it.
Coltrane...ONE rose...and steak...he's amazing...and he lets me know
that even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes...he listens...he
knows the little things that matter to me. Bane has been the absolute
best thing that's ever happened to me...and I couldn't ask for anything
more.<br /><br />And that was my romantical night...such is such.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-31068970074316116452007-06-21T08:11:00.000-04:002013-01-05T08:12:22.639-05:00One foot in front of the other...it will all work out. That's faith.These past couple weeks have been hectic. Crazy even...So much is
happened so I'll try to condense it to the thoughts in my jumbled brain.<br /><br />Recently,
I went a little shop happy getting things I NEED and a few things I
don't. (Causing a huge dent in my bank account I thought I could live
with) I bought myself a new purse and some much deserved clothes. I
got myself a new girly haircut and I wore a dress to work the other
day. <br /><br /><img src="http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/I/41q+RFL5x7L._SS384_.jpg" /><br /><br />I've
decided take more steps to look like the woman I know I can be. Being
more of BANE's woman rather than his androgenous partner. My mommy gave
me a target gift card for $25 dollars for my birthday and I used it to
buy some make up brushes I heard they were better than MAC. And I miss
wearing make-up. <br /><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://g-ec2.images-amazon.com/images/I/518PYE4XJWL._SS384_.jpg" /></div>
<br />And
all this is hella girly for me...but in the end...its paying off
royally. In my small effort to do these things...Bane has been a little
more attentive and very forethcoming with the compliments. Which my
Aries ego LOVES LOVES LOVES. A lot more loving glances, a lot more
light touches here and there and holding hands...alot more special
kisses for no reason...physcial adoration of my "assests"...and there's
no need for me to stress the rest (which is better than fantastical
lately, haha). I'm doing better self-esteem wise and I've been feeling
very pretty lately.<br /><br /><br /><br />I just wish I could have bangin eyebrows.<br /><br />Other
than that there has been tons I've wanted to blog about but just never
seemed to have the time to...I will this weekend though. I've wanted to
blog about my awesometastical experience when I did a sweat a few weeks
ago. Or the hella soul soothing family day at King's Dominion that was
kick ass. Or the true colors concert that my girl Lisa Lisa (who has a
sexy new haircut) took me too. Cyndi Lauper WAS FANTASIC!!!!!!!! So
was BETH DITTO. I'm so in love with Beth DITTO....So much so that I
will show you exactly how fat I am.<br /><br /><br />I love her! And again..the concert was off the hook cuz my girl Margaret Cho killed. Such is such of life.<br /><br />These
days...well today actually I am gearing up to drive 20 hours straight
to Oklahoma just for one day with my WHOLE Okie Fam. They get to meet
my baby loverface and I get to be "home" for a few seconds. That's
going to be spectacular. I can't wait. I wish I could spend a few
hours in Graceland since we're crusin through Memphis but I'll make Bane
promise we'll go back. I'm picking my daddy up after work and I'm
getting off @ 2:30 to meet Bane at the metro. I want to leave as soon a
possible because the sooner we leave..the faster we'll get there and
the sooner we get there...the more time I have to spend with my grammy
and grampa. <br /><br />I love them.<br /><br />So wish me luck, kittens. A
couple hours ago I didn't have funding for this trip but that's what
faith is about...knowing without a doubt that if I put my mind to
something it will work out..and I already know it has...I have the
funding and the universe, Maheo or whatever you want to call it...has
already taken care of me. For some reason, I have JUST enough money in
the bank to cover it. How that happened...who knows...but I'm thankful.
(Super thankful because that means hella SONICS eatin, yo!) hahaha....<br /><br />Such is such.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-39088285229688131172007-05-10T10:00:00.000-04:002013-01-05T10:01:13.376-05:00{05.10.07} - Gentle rain. <br />
<div class="safemodeDate">
Posted Date: : May 10, 2007 9:46 PM
</div>
It's only fitting that the
first rain I encounter...in my new home...be the most gentle rain I
think I've ever experienced. A calming soothing rain that even calms the
most visceral rage. My rage. My moments of unhappiness.<br /><br />Ghey that sounds emo.<br /><br />lol...doesn't
make it any less true. I'm edgy. I'm tired...I'm at that point in the
relationship where its put up or shut up...be gone or handle your
"stuff". I'm on day 10 of giving up smoking, although technically I
cheated on day 5. It wasn't a big deal. But like Bane said...just the
other day...we picked a fine time to finally quit. <br /><br />Yeah. <br /><br />I'm
surprised it hasn't been too hard...and I even forget most of the time
that I ever enjoyed it or convinced myself I needed it to calm down. I
don't feel like smoking so much...I just which the imaginary welbutrin
I'm waiting for gets here...I'll feel...less edgy. <br /><br />I hate the way I'll be so fucking pissed at Bane for stupid shit like...<br /><br />S: "Hey, nig, that was a stop sign you just passed back there..." <br />B: "Oh really, I didn't notice."<br /><br />I
know he's only been driving for a few years now but god
damn...sometimes I wonder. And I continue to hate the way that I'll be
trying to walk it off and he comes behind me...picks something up
randomly...and he's like..."Funkymonkey". And it really manages to be a
stupid miniature monkey named Funky. What the fuck...anger just
disappears. There's nothing to be angry for and I'm like fuck. Well
fuck...I guess I'm not mad anymore...you won sucka. I haight chu...but
not really because you fucking make me smile like no other....fucker.<br /><br />Sometimes,
I'm just so in-love with that fool/man/boy/child that I can't scarcely
remember being mad at him only moments before. Its facinating and
ridiculous all in the same sentence. I love him for being so innocent
and perfect for me at times that I'm like ...WTF! Enjoy should enjoy it
or die bitch! <br /><br /> I'm working on getting back to the enjoying
part. I want to get back to the everyday is sunny and gay with Bane
days. And for the majority of life..it is. I can say at least 90% . of
our day is..honestly. I'm just edgy. Its getting better. Bane is
growing everyday and I am learning to enjoy everyday. I enjoy the
little things like our ghey ass kokopelli shower curtains and the fact
that we don't have no meat but we have 3 different cases of soda in the
fridge. We have cable and we're hella sad Lakisha got the boot on
Wednesday. I enjoy the fact that I've had sex everyday for the past
couple days and its been the purest raw and passionate sex of my life...<br /><br />Maybe
I just need sex more...IDK...Don't they say that? Don't they say that
if women gave up the poontang there would be less war...I suppose being
two spirited means that even though you're sick and can't give mama her
medicine...then shit...I guess that means the testosterone inside of me
becomes self righteous...<br /><br />hahaha....not really...but maybe.<br /><br />I digress.<br /><br />Thank god its Friday. Yes, I am listening to French music and its great. <br /><br />Such is such.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-55944129678581479862007-01-28T11:22:00.000-05:002014-01-28T04:21:24.149-05:00<div class="safemodeTitle">
Subject : {01.28.07} - I happily say...I took that pic a year ago.
</div>
<div class="safemodeDate">
Posted Date: : Jan 29, 2007 12:33 AM
</div>
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/BS/springlovesbane.jpg" height="480" width="640" /><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"<span style="font-style: italic;">I gotta admit sometimes </span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;">I feel week for loving you the way I do</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> It's beyond me</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> I can't control it or force it to be, <br />you know, what I want it to be</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> I think about you so much <br />when I'm with you <br />and when I'm not</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> It's deep, the way,<br /> just looking in your eyes<br /> just changes my whole perspective</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Nothing is more beautiful</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> than loving you, holding you being next to you</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Kissing your lips </span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;">taking my time with you</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Nothing is more beautiful </span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;">than loving you Holding you being next to you</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Moving my hips</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Moving in time with you</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> Put of all the things in the world,</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;">god gave us to each other</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> It's amazing</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> You are the king I always imagined</span><br style="font-style: italic;" /><span style="font-style: italic;"> This is the best time of my life."</span><br /> </span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>"Nothing (Interlude)" by Jill Scott</b></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
About
365 days ago and with every fiber in my being straining to contain an
ego that was about the size of Alaska...I gave myself a gift and quite
possibly the greatest gift I've ever come to know in this lifetime. I
gave myself the gift of possibility. Possibility that only months
before I could never fathom. A possibility that I thought I had safely
stashed away for a more "appropriate time". This day about a year
ago...I let myself be the possibility of being freedom and joy. The
possibility of being laughter and inspiration. The possibility of being
incredible and beautiful all into one. I gave myself the gift of
being love...again.<br />
<br />
I say this because at that time, I debated
about the appropriateness of the timing and the readyness of my heart
that had only recently begun to heal. I debated whether it would be in
bad taste or even fair considering what I had only just let go of.
Plus, I was just plain scared to death at even considering giving my
time and putting energy and understanding and effort into another
person. <br />
<br />
It was never my intention to fall in love with Bane.
Hell, before we even met I had known of him because he added me on
myspace sometime back. I didn't make it a point to become bffl with him
because back then I had about 5,000 plus Joigazm admirers. I commented
him and he would comment me back. Nothing spec-tac. I think what
really got us talking was me responding to a what would you say if you
woke up next to me tomorrow bulletin. I said something the fact that
its about time and then we started just...talking. I noticed he lived
close by and he was a native so I started nagging him to come meet me.
It was ghey because I actually asked him if it would be weird to give
him my number. That always cracks me up because I have never
volunteered my number so freely to what was seemingly a stranger....and a
stranger that lived in the area to boot. (I had a stalker once and it
wasn't great) Being the shy guy he is I started giving up hope...<br />
<br />
I
suppose the only reason I wanted to meet him so much is because he
never approached me with anything but respect. He was never like I
wanna sex you up and he was such a sweetheart. Plus, I admit, the
badboy image was a huge turn on but never my focus. My focus was just
trying to find new friends. New people to put in my life. A new
partner in crime if you will. I just wanted new friends but at the
time...which just happened to be new years....my resolve was to give
women priority in my life. <br />
<br />
When we did meet we were both
nervous as hell even though it was only a friendly event. Thinking
about it always makes me smile when I remember seeing this tall skinny
white boy waiting for me to arrive. I did and the rest of the night
consisted of conversation that I adored like no other. The rest of the
night went slowly but much to my gratitude. He was a regular joe. Just
like me. Talented and above average...but he was a take life as it
kind of guy buddist/taoist values. Huge plus. ;) The night we met is
what we contribute to the actual anniversary. Its the day our lives
changed for the better. But for all intents and purposes...it was today
that we let go of our demons and said yes to letting ourselves get the
shit kicked out of us by love. <br />
<br />
Making that decision was hard.
The only thing that resuonded in my mind when I began to struggle with
acutally letting Bane into my heart was love like you've never been hurt
before. The decision was hard on so many levels and hard because of so
many reasons. Reasons that have escaped me now. <br />
<br />
I made the
decision conciously and when I did it I didn't even ask if he wanted
me. I just said hey guess what...I'm yours. And in turn...he did the
same...we both did..freely and happily and both cried like little
bitches the whole while...but we did it. And then the next day he moved
in. LMAO. <br />
<br />
My life with Bane this past year has been one of the
greatest times in my life. It forced me to grow up. It challenged me
aim higher. It made me make miricles happen...and you know what...I
wouldn't change a damn thing about anything that's happened between us
because we can say without blinking....that we are still happily and
crazy in love. :D He still gives me butterflies. It still amazes me
to see this gorgeous, delicious, and succulant (Yes, Mariana I said
succulant) man in my bed every morning. And he tells me everyday..that
he loves me. Plus, what woman can't appricate and love a man with the
biggest and most beautiful <strike>penis</strike> hazel greey eyes I've ever had the joy to gaze on. <strike>Its</strike> They're amazing.<br />
<br />
So there you go....my Bane story. I love this kid like no other...and I'll love this kids....til the day I die.<br />
<br />
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Bane/Bane002.jpg" />Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-53448862127543386072007-01-19T11:25:00.000-05:002013-01-05T11:31:44.117-05:00I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe <div class="safemodeTitle">
Subject : {01.19.07} - I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe
</div>
<div class="safemodeDate">
Posted Date: : Jan 19, 2007 1:55 PM
</div>
<div class="safemodeContent">
Happy Birthday, Edgar Allan Poe!<br />
Its
quite fitting that today is his birthday considering that last night
during our pillow talk session his name happened to be notably
mentioned. I'm always completely amused at what we talk about sometimes before we go to sleep. We
had a very enjoyable conversation about who the coolest mother fucker
ever to walk the earth was…Vincent Price or Marlon Brando and for the
life of me I don't even know why I put Brando up against Price…it was
the only semi-cool person I could think of at the moment. After it was said it became apparent that it wasn't even a real question. Of course, Vincent Price is THEE coolest mother fucker to ever walk the earth hands down. No one has even come close to living a life that was as elegant, regal, dark and amusing as his. He simply was and is the epitome of cool. <br />
Then of course, Poe was mentioned because you can't mention Price without mention of Poe. Edgar Allan Poe was a lot of things. A lot of things I could mention to make myself seem smart but I won't. I'll just say he is the first and the only one to actually scare the shit out of me in a short story. Tell-Tale
Heart is the only story that I completely adore like no other. (Save
for the Velveteen Rabbit which is my all time favorite) Of
course I love Poe for all the conventional things but I readily admit
that I would like to actually sit down and read the unabridged version
of Poe's works that just happens to be laying on our little media center
we have goin on. So yeah…that's my little blurb about Poe.<br />
I miss reading. I haven't sat down and actually read a good book in over a year and a half. I think the last book I read that kept me on the edge of my seat was Angels and Demons (which I need to buy again). I read some of Dan Brown's other stuff but none of it really compares. I need new authors I want to enjoy reading again. Now that I have the time…since Bane and I are "scrapping by" these days…barf. I deplore the term "scrapping by". The
only reason I mention it is because I was trying to have an empowering
conversation yesterday with my dad about how balancing my check book and
stuff is working out swimmingly and how by the end of next month we'll
have probably the biggest surplus of money that we've earned ever. Which will continue to only grow if we're careful and conscience of how and what we spend. For
some reason when I was explaining to him that although we have to be
super careful this month he stopped listening and proceeded to give me
this story about how he did it.<br />
He proceeded to explain to me
that I/We needed to scrap by for a few years and that it is only at his
age finally that he can spend money on such frivolous things as the
movies, etc etc etc….I was like…um…hello…did you hear me? I
said by the end of February I'll have 1,000 dollar surplus and if we're
conscious and don't go buck wild it will only continue to grow. That's 1,000 dollars AFTER ALL our bills are paid on time AND living expenses. I admit…my ego was a little crushed after he said that. I mean…scrapping by just isn't in my vocabulary anymore and for an abundant person…it shouldn't be in anyone's. I know it's because I don't believe in the idea of scrapping by that I truly have never had to. I've
lived the life of true abundance and that is to say that I was always
provided what I needed…and if there was something that I truly
wanted…some how I managed to manifest it. This is all after I was introduced to what the true meaning of abundance was. It
wasn't easy at first…it never is…and when you are truly trying to put
something into action there will be obstacles to challenge your
resolve…but once you've truly gotten through the trials of true faith in
the idea of abundance…abundance being that there IS enough for everyone
on this earth and more…then it just comes naturally…it truly does. <br />
I'm still learning…I'm not a master…but I'm getting there. And
I know the only reason it hurt is because my father is my father and I
have it somewhere that if he doesn't believe I can do it…then I don't
give my 100%. Basically, if my dad says it isn't possible…the maybe it really isn't. I know I need to get rid of this thought process…but I'm still learning…we both are. It
also hurt a little more that when I was laughing at myself for getting
hurt…and relaying the story to Bane…it was funny because Bane did the
same thing. Its like after he heard scrapping by he
stopped listening and started going on about how we're going to have to
scrap by for years and blah blah blah blah…that's when I stopped
listening obviously. That was disempowering…yet again. Not in the same way but in the context that Bane is my equal partner…50/50. And
if he didn't believe in what we actually WERE accomplishing…we would
probably end up scrapping by…and the fuck if I'm going to live the next
couple years doing that shit. Being aware and making choices is one thing…doing it because that's what we "have to do is another…fuck that.<br />
Again…my
ego was aroused and I went on a rant with tears and all about how my
father and he were just alike and they both were way too damn practical
for me. And how I don't live my life in disempowering
ideas because they scare the shit of me and then I threw myself on the
bed and covered my head with a pillow. After I threw my little "tissy" fit and after Bane was finished reprimanding me for being so childish. He proceeded to apologize. Apologizing because he got the reason behind what I was saying. Its
not that was I was saying was the truth…cuz its not…and not that my way
is better…because its not…but that my ideas and my excitement about our
money situation and the direction I know where going it didn't happen
because I settled for scrapping by. <br />
If I did live in that mentality…we would probably be living with roommates or in a bad part of the city. I
would probably have to take a bus plus a metro to work. We wouldn't
have a new car that gets paid for every month and we wouldn't have
insurance on our car. If I lived in that mentality we
wouldn't have been able to take the random trips and crazy nights with
our friends at the spur of the moment. And if I lived in
that mentality…I wouldn't have been able to travel as much as I did
before we met or met half the people I've come to love in my life time. <br />
So…there it is. Some girls do end up finding someone similar to their fathers. I acknowledge that. I
acknowledge that I probably picked Bane because he's so open to ideas
and like minded like my father but at the same time…I can challenge him
in ways that I don't do naturally with my father. And he challenges me. I reach for the sky and Bane keeps us grounded. I push the limits of our box and make it bigger he keeps us focused and fills our space. The eagle and the lizard…what a pair. Sometimes I may have to fly down to the tree so he can climb it and meet me half way…but that's quite alright with me. :D *sings* That's fuckin team work…*/sings*<br />
"It
is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we
shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream." –
Edgar Allan Poe<br />
Werd up, Hey.<br />
Happy Birthday again, Mr. Poe.</div>
Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-26039820653289951932007-01-18T11:29:00.000-05:002013-01-05T11:31:26.313-05:00{01.18.07} - Gotta love them budgets! Yes, I have a budget. {01.18.07} - Gotta love them budgets! Yes, I have a budget.
<br />
<div class="safemodeDate">
Posted Date: : Jan 18, 2007 5:53 AM
</div>
So as a part of my New Year's
resolution to be more abundant, I have been doing my budget everyday on
this excel spreadsheet my dad made. I must admit...its fun. I don't
know why but I love balancing our checkbook and crunching the numbers to
get REAL numbers and see what we REALLY have.<br />
<br />
It's pretty neat!
We still don't have a lot of money. Not by a long shot...but projected
numbers indicate that if we continue to live within our means...No
going out to party @ clubs and trips to the bar...no major clothing
purchases...<br />
<br />
We'll have a substantial surplus by the end of
February. Not only that...but we'll be ahead of the game and we'll be
able to pay all our bills with up coming checks on time. That's crazy!
Collectively our take home pay is about 50% of our bills...by next year
we'll be ridin dirty like no other. Oh yes, this year has started off
fuckin awesome. <br />
<br />
Some of the pros of doing our budget this month
religiously? Well for one its getting hella cold in DC (finally) and
Bane has gone without coveralls for too long. (He's an electrician and
is outside in the cold by 6am) Buying durable, nice coveralls aren't
exactly cheap (about the $150 range) but since I've been religious about
our budget...I was able to slip it in without causing peril to our
livelyhood. Granted we won't be going out this weekend...but tomorrow
morning my baby will be able to keep warm from neck to feet. <br />
<br />
And
since he got something...of course I wanted something too. So right
after work...and since it was already in the budget anyway...I was
finally able to buy that stupid plate set I've been waiting for
FOR-EVER. Yes, peoples....I am the new and very satisfied owner of
those stupid Jade Galaxy plates. They actually had ONE set left at the
Target next to my work and they were mine. <br />
<br />
I'm so happy. Seriously, being responsible is going phenomenal. <br />
<br />
And
for the people that know me better. The pop resolution has all but
faltered. I've resided myself to drink diet coke...getting use to it
actually. Still drinking the most milk I can and also all the green tea
I could possibly want. But still...its easy to ask for pop when I'm
not thinking about it...so now I'm trying to be more aware. Blah.<br />
<br />
WERD.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-35089922708614386562007-01-16T11:27:00.000-05:002013-01-05T11:29:45.516-05:00{01.16.07} - Its all about production...Incredible weekend. {01.16.07} - Its all about production...Incredible weekend.
<div class="safemodeDate">
Posted Date: : Jan 16, 2007 5:14 AM
</div>
Well this year is off to a
great start. This weekend we got so much done it was insane and
seriously to think...we didn't get shit-face drunk nor did I consume a
single beer to enjoy myself. (Okay, I had a couple glasses of wine but
nothing substancial.)<br /><br />Friday, I let Bane sleep when I got home
because I was excited to see Pan's Labyrinth @ 10 pm and he needed to
get up early the next day. I watched Loving Annabelle (A lesbian story)
by myself because its only during the times that I have to myself that I
get to enjoy such things. (Almost and L Word lover but not quite)
About 9 pm ish we were waiting for James to show up so we could jet on
over to the Shirlington Theater. He wasn't too late and we got there
about 9:30. The line was LOooooooNg but we must have got there right on
time because we got perfect seats. Needless to say the movie was long
but it was beautiful, enchanting, graphic, and adorable. I liked it
alot. I think I was expecting a tad more "horror" which is why it
wasn't to sentimental for me. Either way...I can still appricate it for
what it was...which is one of the most innovated and beautiful movies
you'll probably see this year. Afterwards, I took James all the way
home to Gaithersburg (My thank you for coming) and got stuff for me to
eat the next day cuz Bane was going to be gone all day.<br /><br />Saturday,
Bane did his first sweat lodge on Saturday. He almost didn't make it
because the alarms didn't go off. Thankfully, my internal alarm has been
on point lately and he woke up right on time. He left me with kisses
and nervousness and I fell the hell back asleep because I was so relaxed
knowing...I was Bane free for a few hours. Muahahaha. I slept most of
the day....out of all the things I could've done I slept most of the
day. It felt good! It felt grand not to have to entertain or figure
out what your partner wanted or needed for once. It was amazing. My
father woke me up around 3 ish....I didn't mean to sleep that long...I
went to the store with him whilst getting rid of at least 2 bags of
clothing I had been hanging on to forever. (I still have tons more to
let go of but it was a start) <br /><br />Then as soon as I walked in the
door...I looked at the corner behind the door and started there...I
started there @ about 3:45 and didn't stop til bane came home @ about
7:30. It was nuts. You can see the living room floor! I was so proud
of myself for getting so much done. It was amazing...you don't even
know napoleon. hahaha...yeah. Bane came home...we canoodled and
snoodled and talked about his first sweat lodge experience. It was
great having him home. It was great having time to actually miss him
for once! hahaha. I don't think I've done that in over a
year...regardless...we stayed up and watched Smoke Signals to cap of his
"native day" hahaha. (He's never seen it and needless to say he loved
it)<br /><br />Sunday, he gave me a huge surprise...he woke up and the first
thing he did was call his mother...to ask if we could come hang out.
All on his own....blew me away. So Sunday I finally got to meet Mr.
Bane's mom. It was fantastic! She's so warm and nice and wonderful.
She reminds me alot of my mom. And her husband alot of my step-dad.
Talking with them wasn't awekward at all...cept for when we couldn't
think of things to say. We ate some delicious turkey chili with
them...laughed with them...I got to listen to baby bane stories
(FINALLY!) and all in all...it was a tremendous night...for the both of
us....GREAT SUNDAY!<br /><br />Monday, we slept in...our priviledge for
having the day off. I watched a couple morning shows and he did some
business on the net and then we ventured off to Chipotle for lunchie.
After lunch and because it was such an awesome day Bane actually was up
to walking around DC and exploring...I was so excited! We walked
through the circle and saw my dad. We walked all the way to adams
morgan and we had a snack at this smoothie/dessert shop on 18th street.
It was awesome. Anyone who's anyone knows how hard it is for me to get
bane to just walk and explore this city that I love. (DC isn't his
favorite) but he did yesterday and we had a blast. We even got some
CD's and movies at the $1 CD store. :)<br /><br />All in all it was a great
weekend. I know this isn't as elaborate and detailed as it could
be...but I had to write this quickly in an hour....I'll write more
later. <br /><br />Yey, Tuesday! :)Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1165862589494182442006-12-11T13:40:00.000-05:002006-12-11T13:43:09.496-05:00The day...the music died...or at least myspace.I'm back to just being a blogger now. Whoop! Whoop!<br /><br />Myspace got banned from work...so now...here I am. So much as happened in the past year. The main one being...I'm in love and its amazing. We'll be working on 1 year on the 7th of January. I can hardly wait.<br /><br />I love him.<br /><br /><a href="http://photobucket.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Bane/Bane027.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting" /></a>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1139854588850073522006-02-13T13:16:00.000-05:002006-06-27T11:51:11.916-04:00First blog of the new year...Don't ask me why I'm journaling in this thing...I don't even like hi-5 haha...I only come here to "stalk" the people that are too good to be on myspace. *LOL* Yey...I'm ghey. (JOIN MYSPACE.COM!!!!)<br /><br />Other than that...Life is completely wonderful these days. My recently aquired boyfriend has managed to quickly eek his way into my heart and I can say with a true conscience there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Not that he would ask. He is completely amazing. Everyday that I spend with him (Which has been everyday for 2 weeks) is wonderful. We compliment each other in so many ways and we're completely (and VERY surprisingly) compatible in many others. I love him to death. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend if I tried. We talk about things and we laugh about a lot more.<br /><br />I dunno. It just feels like finally I can be myself and on top of that he ADORES me because I am who I am. We like the same music. We both enjoy a little darker side of life. We can turn each other on like no other. We can just be and god just being is like the best thing ever. *le sigh*<br /><br />So for anyone that actually took the time to read this...thank you. Right now I'm contemplating something that might drop a lot of jaws. (No not babies or marriage...that's not for a LOOOOONG time...believe me) We were toying around with the idea of moving in together. I know it may seem soon but I think not only could it benefit us both...it could work. Getting a bigger apartment. And no I'm not pondering this for the benefits...although it does seem nice.<br /><br />Its easy for me to get irritated when someone is taking up too much of my space. He's been in my space basically everyday for 2 weeks now. I still have yet to get tired of him. I love waking up to him every morning. I love him kissing me all over my face before he goes to work @ 5 in the morning. I fucking even love cooking for him and IF you know me...I don't fucking cook for anyone. For some reason...I can't help but want to for him. I do a lot of things for him, I find that I was resisting to doing for anyone because I didn't feel worthy to ask for what I really wanted or just out of sheer pride. I'm an independant woman after all...<br /><br />There are so many things about Bane that just make me so content with myself...and all at the same time...be the best me I can be. He worships my body with absolute sincerity its mind-blowing. And sometimes when I look at him...He's just the most incredily sexy thing on this planet and I can't help but admit...I am indeed the luckiest girl in the world. Lucky to have someone who loves me so completely. Lucky to love someone that appricates the greatness that I am now. Lucky to have someone to call home about and brag about. Lucky to have someone that makes me smile and sends butterflies to my stomach with a mere phrase or gesture.<br /><br />I love Bane. That's the only context I can put this in. Again for however long it lasts...I'm committed to making it last a lifetime. I no longer have delusions of grandeur. I have a reality that I created and that I am creating now. In the end, I want the best and I deserve the best and as of this moment...he's all those things and more. So perhaps a move is in our future. I would probably stay in my own building now and apply for a 1 bedroom. We still have a lot to talk about with regards to this issue because we wanna be responsible about it...as with all the major decisions in our lives. We're not just going, omg we're in love...lets move in and stuff. That's ghey. We got to make sure this is what we really REALLY want and its not going to happen tomorrow. So yeah. Something.<br /><br />As for now...my only problem with this is...is that I really don't have a problem with it. Life is too short and we do what we gotta do. To base this decision out of fear...would be a detriment to our possibility. We are the possibility of love...in in that...fear does not exist...<br /><br />Yeah something...Thank you again for reading this. ;)Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1130252907610072432005-10-25T11:08:00.000-04:002005-10-25T11:08:27.650-04:00Rest in Peace, Mrs. Rosa Parks....May you witness what you really meant in this lifetime and continue to watch over us as we all continue our journey. May we all strive to set examples that may one day change the world, however, small or fragile. You were an inspiration to many and for however you lived your life...we thank you, I thank you. God bless you, Mrs. Parks. ~ Spring
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<br /><img height=300 src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/PH2005102402068.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">
<br /><p class="MsoNormal" style=""><span class="blacktextnb10"><font face="verdana" size="2"><b> "She sat down in order that we all might stand up, and the walls of segregation came down." ~ Rev. Jesse Jackson</b> </font></span>
<br />
<br /><b><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/10/24/AR2005102402053.html?sub=AR">Bus Ride Shook a Nation's Conscience</a></b>
<br />
<br />By Patricia Sullivan
<br />Washington Post Staff Writer
<br />Tuesday, October 25, 2005; Page A01
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<br />Rosa Parks, the dignified African American seamstress whose refusal to surrender a bus seat to a white man launched the modern civil rights movement and inspired generations of activists, died last night at her home in Detroit, the Wayne County medical examiner's office said. She was 92.
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<br /><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/10/24/AR2005102402053.html?sub=AR">For the rest of the story...</a>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1129612678429007112005-10-18T01:17:00.000-04:002005-10-18T02:52:37.163-04:00Awaken<p class="MsoNormal">This is the first spoken word poem that I'm working on. It doesn't have as much feeling as I want to put into it...yet....but It will eventually. I'm going to work on it a little more til I finally get the courage to actually do it in front of an audience. Grrr...Challenege. I love it.<br> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br><span style="font-style: italic;"> "Its interesting what you can say in front of a room full of people that you can't seem to say to one person..."</span> - <span style="font-weight: bold;">Nina Mosely, Love Jones</span><br> </p><center><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Spring/bleh089.jpg" height="240"><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Awakened this morning, I outstretched my arms<br> <br> And reached out as far as I could as I could go across my bed. <br> <br> Finding nothing <br> <br> I opened my eyes, smiled and realized <br> <br> That that time had not been so long ago.<br> <br> The distinct scent of your face wash still lingers on my pillow.<br> <br> And that simple olfaction aroused my thoughts more than I would have liked.<br> <br> My favorite memory of us began fading in through my forethoughts. <br> <br> And I involuntarily smiled as I remembered waking<br> <br> To the taste of you still in my mouth. <br> <br> I smiled as I began to feel the warmth of your naked body against my back.<br> <br> Then I sighed<br> <br> As I began feeling the rushing memory of being afraid all over again.<br> <br> My initial reaction was to run and hide<br> <br> Cause you, my love, <br> <br> Were never to have been let in.<br> <br> Had not fate itself willed it so <br> <br> And heartily fought through the barriers of our enormous egos.<br> <br> You never would have been there ever.<br> <br> But buy chance and laughs, and pure imagination...<br> <br> I was there...<br> <br> And you were there...<br> <br> And for one uncorrupted moment...<br> <br> We were love.<br> <br> I can still vividly remember how intoxicating it was <br> <br> Just to breathe in the infection that was your soul.<br> <br> At once, it seemed that the dream could be never ending<br> <br> At the time, I could have completely drowned in it and lost myself.<br> <br> It was right then I decided I never wanted to swim in another ocean again.<br> <br> To my surprise, my wandering eyes were finally shut <br> <br> My restless protected heart was wide open.<br> <br> The fear of vulnerability began resounding through my chest<br> <br> And it made my red blood pump that much harder<br> <br> that much faster and faster <br> <br> Throughout my stubborn, nescient veins.<br> <br> Somehow at the precise moment you put your powerful arm around my waist. <br> <br> And I instinctively nestled my head in the space god must have intended only for me,<br> <br> We began to be finally fully aware of ourselves<br> <br> And fully aware of what we had both done.<br> <br> The serenity began to wash over my restrained ego.<br> <br> And I had felt safer than any home I had ever known before.<br> <br> Then just as quickly it seemed <br> <br> I was mindful of the morning sun<br> <br> Brought back to the reality of my solitary state.<br> <br> I lay here and stare at the cruel sunlight kissing my pillow.<br> <br> Sweetly kissing the space where no so long ago your smile had been.<br> <br> Where that perfect smile should be now.<br> <br> Had fate been kind to us both. <br> <br> Amos Lee sings "When she wakes me...she takes me back home..." <br> <br> And my heart begins to wonder that even if it’s not with you<br> <br> Will I ever find that kind of peace again?<br> <br> The salt water then pooling <br> <br> and ever so gently, quietly letting go<br> <br> I closed my wandering eyes once more and drifted off to better times...<br> <br></p> </center>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1128836016555679472005-10-09T01:33:00.000-04:002005-10-09T01:33:36.933-04:00<p class="mobile-photo"><img width="320" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4838/32/0/Picture030-716555.jpg"/></p><p class="mobile-post">My sister & I having an over due sista nite. We're 2 cool for words.</p><p class="mobile-post">This message was sent using PIX-FLIX Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!<br />To learn how you can snap pictures with your wireless phone visit <br />www.verizonwireless.com/getitnow/getpix.<br /> <br />To learn how you can record videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/getitnow/getflix.<br /> <br />To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime 6.5 or higher is required. Visit www.apple.com/quicktime/download to download the free player or upgrade your existing QuickTime Player. Note: During the download <br />process when asked to choose an installation type (Minimum, Recommended or Custom), select Minimum for faster download.</p>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1128300850677836932005-10-02T20:53:00.000-04:002005-10-02T20:54:10.686-04:00Yey I got to meet my uncle!So to some up last night in a word...Incredible. <br> <br> So yesterday I admit I was apprehensive about meeting my Uncle. I didn't know what to think and why I was so nervous. I was shakey! I felt like I was going out on first date. I couldn't find the "right" clothes to wear or how to put my hair. Should I wear my lip ring? Should I not wear make up? Should I wear jeans? It was silly. My hair didn't look right cause I just got out of the shower and it was humid. Unable to put it off meeting him any longer, I just made myself go the way I was. They just got out of the IMAX movie and told me to meet them out front of the Air & Space Museum. When I walked up I recognized him immediately. He has that big Fixico head. hahaha. :D He gave me a big hug like he knew me forever and as soon as we connected the nervousness disappeared and I felt like a dumbass for being so silly<br> <br> I took'em to the mall. Cause they wanted to get all purdified for the nights events. Plus, Milo needed a car charger....I'll have to finish this later. I'm not feeling in a writing mood right now. Here's some pix...<br> <br><br><center><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010053.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>My awesome 22 year-old Uncle<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010015.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>Him & his friends Taylor and Reggie<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010025.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>He looks like Fixico...?<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010020.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>Bar Hopping<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010055.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>Cheers!<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010095.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>Laughs all night long<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010050.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="320"><br><br>I don't know what this was...<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010030.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="320"><br><br>lip rings rock<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010057.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="320"><br><br>Don't ask...<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010045.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>Guatemalan Run<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010113.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="320"><br><br>Now just the brown people...<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010102.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>He definately acts like a No Heart...hahaha<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010085.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com" height="240"><br><br>So a white guy, a Native and a Guatemalan walk into a bar....<br><br><img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v478/hokte/Milo/PA010074.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"><br><br>Family</center>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1127578546188203572005-09-24T12:15:00.000-04:002005-09-24T12:15:46.696-04:00God this made me laugh!<p class="mobile-photo"><img width="320" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4838/32/0/Picture040-746188.jpg"/></p><p class="mobile-post">This message was sent using PIX-FLIX Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!<br />To learn how you can snap pictures with your wireless phone visit <br />www.verizonwireless.com/getitnow/getpix.<br /> <br />To learn how you can record videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/getitnow/getflix.<br /> <br />To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime 6.5 or higher is required. Visit www.apple.com/quicktime/download to download the free player or upgrade your existing QuickTime Player. Note: During the download <br />process when asked to choose an installation type (Minimum, Recommended or Custom), select Minimum for faster download.</p>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1127226929033610392005-09-20T10:35:00.000-04:002005-09-20T10:35:29.043-04:00Sweet Dreams are made of these...I haven't been sleeping well lately. My sleeping schedule has been way off. I can't ever seem to get any sleep or actually get "sleepy" til around 3. But lately it has mostly been out of frustration. I'm frustrated and emotional about my mother even though I refuse to let myself "feel" anything substantial. What are the five stages of grieving again...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance? I dunno...I guess I'm in the Denial stage. When my father told me I did shed a few salty water drops but nothing substantial. I think I was focused more on making him & myself laugh more than anything. And I am truly thankful for my guest being over cause when I found out about my mother's condition, (Which if you are on the blog preferred list you know and if you wanna know feel free to email me) its one of those times I just didn't wanna be alone and I didn't wanna be around family. I was thankful he listened to me rant, incoherently at times, and let me attempt to cry. Why he was the one of all people to be around when I found out I'll never understand. But I won't think to much on it cause in the end the answer always is "everything" happens for a reason. It was just a moment I'm greatful (Is that grate or greatful? (Sp?) for. <br /><br />Yesterday, I started my new "old" job. My father advised against it for my mental health but choosing my own path I still went and started. If I took the day off then I’d drive myself crazy with the silence. The awesome news is I got my health bene's back. I got my retirement back. I got everything back. And in a strange way, I was a little sad to be back. Someone asked me how it was to be back yesterday when I got home, I just thought to myself…pleh, I’m back where I started…said nothing and shed another few salty drops. In all reality, I should be eternally grateful getting my job back and I am. At the same time and with the circumstances I am in now…it’s not where I wanted to be at this moment. I’m not completely over the happenings of this summer. Not just with my mother but with what happened in general. I’ve come to realize that despite my greatest efforts, I never really dealt with the anger I had/have for what happened. I still have this victimyness about it even though I’m never a victim. I keep telling myself that. I have what I have now cause this is what I choose. I am single and alone cause this is what I choose. It’s the best thing for me. I just wish I knew exactly what I could say to have it go away. But then again…in due time…everything happens for a reason.<br /><br /> <br /><br />When I got home from my first day I had managed to make it through the whole day without crying. Scratch that…I told my ex whom I work with about it cause he’s just as much apart of my family as anyone. He cares about my mom and gets to know. It’s funny, (but not funny) but I was really convinced I wasn’t worried or sad about it…but when I said the words…I found I couldn’t without breaking down. “My mother…6 months to a year…*que waterfalls*.” And with his patented optimism, Ooooooooooh it’ll be alright…she’s going to be okay….*insert Navajo antidote here*. And for that I appreciate him as much as ever for continuing to be in my life. As much as that boy manages to push my buttons, I love that shit out of that fucker. After I told him I didn’t think about it much more really. I went through the day…again flashing my signature smile and again through all the welcome backs. Thankful when the clock struck 5 and time managed to pass quickly that day. I embarked on my first walk back home from work. I managed to get a few zzz’s on the metro. I woke up just in time to get off @ Dupont. I proceeded with my daily Sudoku while walking up the escalators. When I got off, I was immediately barraged with some political campaign to get Dick Chaney’s evil plot to destroy America in the forefront of American Idealism. My Idealism…on my fucking time and in the middle of my Sudoku. As a concentrated on my puzzle, I tried to walk unassumingly to the corner but was confronted by an angry activist. As I stood there minding my own biz and losing myself in my new found addiction…he was like…why are you doing puzzles. I was like…Um…because I can. The he said “How are doing puzzles going to get Dick Chaney out of office”. I replied, it’s not meant to and I’ll do whatever the fuck I wanna do on my own time kthnxbi. He tried to shove his un-recyclable pamphlet in my hands but I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and walked across the street. What a dumfuck? All I wanted to do was finish my Sudoku, go home and curl up and die, fuckin mood ruiner!<br /><br /> <br /><br />I walked home more than annoyed and wondered if the annoyance was really about him. I walked and was greeted by my guest. He asked about my day and I said it was fine. Then all of a sudden…like I was free to let go…I went into the bathroom and hyperventilated. I made myself purge the afternoon’s lunch and cried a little more. Not on purpose mind you. It was like I was watching myself have a breakdown and I couldn’t stop it. It only lasted all of five minutes but I’m sure it concerned my guest. I felt a little better and well enough to ask if he wanted this daily slurpee. To which, there will never be a no. And so we went for a walk. I needed to get out…I needed to move around. Our conversation consisted of very little. Usual back and forth banter. On the way back we pondered what to do for dinner. The frybread I had promised him a many time on the forefront of the mind, we decided on Indian Tacos. Mmm Mmm Mmm…NDN taco’s. It was impromptu and we had to use what was at the little metro store but all in all it came out okay. I tried another frybread recipe cause somewhere it was dubbed “the greatest frybread recipe in the world”. So it wasn’t mine. When I saw how much baking soda was to be used, I sorta cringed. But as an avid rule follower when it comes to recipes…I did what it asked. The dough came out okay. It was just a little thick for my taste but all in all the fluffiness was good. I’ll probably revert back to my own recipe next time but with a few added touches I learned from that recipe. I had fun doing it. I think it was the first time I made a real meal in my own kitchen. Regardless, dinner came out okay. I was nervous. I love my cooking but I’m always afraid others won’t like it. C’est la vie.<br /><br /> <br /><br /> The night progressed into some intense T.V. watching. The Monday night double header was on the agenda, the Redskins & Cowboys…but toward the end of the night I have to watch my beloved Laguna Beach. I just love their drama. After Laguna I looked over and noticed my friend was asleep…I took that as a cue and fell asleep my damn self. I managed an hour before I awoke with a heavy heart. I tossed and turned for 2 hours. I finally had to get out and go for a walk. When I walked outside I called Benji and when he answered I just started bawling about my mom. I cried all the way to CVS and back. He listened and engaged some really good advice. He calmed my heart once more and once again…heavy heart lifted for time being. I went back and manged to actually get some sleep. Again, I was grateful for yet another night of not having to be alone. I slept well and welcomed dreaming once more.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1127153286378520562005-09-19T14:08:00.000-04:002005-09-19T14:08:06.426-04:00Some days are better than most...So first off, I'm not stress about anything right now. I am perfectly peaceful...so with that being said...
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<br />Last night I found out my mother has six months to a year to live. I have shed a few tears about it and although I'm not fine with it, I'm not going to and haven't gone into freak out mode. I love my mother and I knew this was possible and deep down just waiting for it to be confirmed. I'm not pouty. I'm optimistic. But truely and honestly...I'm not sad so I request you don't be sad for me. Prayers are always welcome and appricated, as are smiles. Its like good news bad/news, ya know. Meaning most people don't know how much time they have with they're parents and they take them for granted. Now I know and the good news is I can make sure the time we have left gets to be valuable. I'm taking this day with a grain of salt...happy my mom is here for the time being...and trying to focus out so I can focus on my next move. My main concern right now is my 10 year old brother. Someone needs to be there for him. And since I have the best potential and no other obligations...That person most likely is me. Which means yet another move back to the west coast. The transition is going to be easy for any of us. I don't know how many more people know outside of my siblings and father so I'm trying to keep a low profile. As long as I am here in D.C. I plan on still living my life. I'm not going to stop living just cause I can't do anything right now. I don't know how much longer I'll be here...but when I know I'll let chu guys know.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1126933472145417022005-09-17T01:04:00.000-04:002005-09-17T01:04:32.826-04:00Night with...<p class="mobile-photo"><img width="320" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4838/32/0/Picture017-772145.jpg"/></p><p class="mobile-post">Crackfishes</p>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1126709997075355762005-09-14T10:59:00.000-04:002005-09-14T10:59:57.080-04:00www.sudoku.comFor the past couple days, to pass the time away, I've been doing Su do Ku Number puzzles. Now, doing number puzzles isn't pressing hardcore stuff but it isn't easy either. They put them in the Washington Post Express every morning and doing them is a treasured part of my day considering I have nothing else better to do than watch George Bush squawk about whatever. At first I picked it up cause it was intriguing and it took me about 2 hours to do the first one. (With the aid of a lot...I repeat...a lot of white out.)<br /><br />Without going into a long drawn out story, I just finished my 5th such puzzle, medium difficulty in 30 minutes with no white out. *pats self on back*<br /><br />Is it time for the New York Times crossword? hmmm....Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1126212648920776502005-09-08T16:43:00.000-04:002005-09-08T16:56:42.963-04:00And your heart will be at peace...I just got a phone call from the missing brother in New Orleans. And as predicted...he's is alive...he is okay. We talked for an hour about his many advantures of fighting off looters, rescuing 2 girls that were trying to drive during the worst part of the storm, and the great ready to eat meals. <br /><br />My brother has the best attitude. The converstation wasn't sad or drab. It was more upbeat than anything and for that I am thankful. He's just happy to be alive. He told me about the people he comes across that are sadden by the devistation...which they have every right to be...but he takes the time to share with them the joys of just being alive. You're home is missing but your family is here...home is where the heart is...and as long as you're alive...Everything is better than okay. <br /><br />He's a nut but I love him. And I am doubly thankful to Maheo for him being able to call and get through. Prayers for the ones that can't see the light in the darkness of this their situation. And share in the joy for the ones that do.Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3683651.post-1125791323312975812005-09-03T19:48:00.000-04:002005-09-03T19:48:44.373-04:00<p class="mobile-photo"><img width="320" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4838/32/0/Picture010-723312.jpg"/></p><p class="mobile-post">Another wonderful nite with my gay lover Martin</p>Springhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06956111662758601931noreply@blogger.com0