Saturday, September 24

God this made me laugh!

This message was sent using PIX-FLIX Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!
To learn how you can snap pictures with your wireless phone visit
www.verizonwireless.com/getitnow/getpix.

To learn how you can record videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/getitnow/getflix.

To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime 6.5 or higher is required. Visit www.apple.com/quicktime/download to download the free player or upgrade your existing QuickTime Player. Note: During the download
process when asked to choose an installation type (Minimum, Recommended or Custom), select Minimum for faster download.

Tuesday, September 20

Sweet Dreams are made of these...

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My sleeping schedule has been way off. I can't ever seem to get any sleep or actually get "sleepy" til around 3. But lately it has mostly been out of frustration. I'm frustrated and emotional about my mother even though I refuse to let myself "feel" anything substantial. What are the five stages of grieving again...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance? I dunno...I guess I'm in the Denial stage. When my father told me I did shed a few salty water drops but nothing substantial. I think I was focused more on making him & myself laugh more than anything. And I am truly thankful for my guest being over cause when I found out about my mother's condition, (Which if you are on the blog preferred list you know and if you wanna know feel free to email me) its one of those times I just didn't wanna be alone and I didn't wanna be around family. I was thankful he listened to me rant, incoherently at times, and let me attempt to cry. Why he was the one of all people to be around when I found out I'll never understand. But I won't think to much on it cause in the end the answer always is "everything" happens for a reason. It was just a moment I'm greatful (Is that grate or greatful? (Sp?) for.

Yesterday, I started my new "old" job. My father advised against it for my mental health but choosing my own path I still went and started. If I took the day off then I’d drive myself crazy with the silence. The awesome news is I got my health bene's back. I got my retirement back. I got everything back. And in a strange way, I was a little sad to be back. Someone asked me how it was to be back yesterday when I got home, I just thought to myself…pleh, I’m back where I started…said nothing and shed another few salty drops. In all reality, I should be eternally grateful getting my job back and I am. At the same time and with the circumstances I am in now…it’s not where I wanted to be at this moment. I’m not completely over the happenings of this summer. Not just with my mother but with what happened in general. I’ve come to realize that despite my greatest efforts, I never really dealt with the anger I had/have for what happened. I still have this victimyness about it even though I’m never a victim. I keep telling myself that. I have what I have now cause this is what I choose. I am single and alone cause this is what I choose. It’s the best thing for me. I just wish I knew exactly what I could say to have it go away. But then again…in due time…everything happens for a reason.



When I got home from my first day I had managed to make it through the whole day without crying. Scratch that…I told my ex whom I work with about it cause he’s just as much apart of my family as anyone. He cares about my mom and gets to know. It’s funny, (but not funny) but I was really convinced I wasn’t worried or sad about it…but when I said the words…I found I couldn’t without breaking down. “My mother…6 months to a year…*que waterfalls*.” And with his patented optimism, Ooooooooooh it’ll be alright…she’s going to be okay….*insert Navajo antidote here*. And for that I appreciate him as much as ever for continuing to be in my life. As much as that boy manages to push my buttons, I love that shit out of that fucker. After I told him I didn’t think about it much more really. I went through the day…again flashing my signature smile and again through all the welcome backs. Thankful when the clock struck 5 and time managed to pass quickly that day. I embarked on my first walk back home from work. I managed to get a few zzz’s on the metro. I woke up just in time to get off @ Dupont. I proceeded with my daily Sudoku while walking up the escalators. When I got off, I was immediately barraged with some political campaign to get Dick Chaney’s evil plot to destroy America in the forefront of American Idealism. My Idealism…on my fucking time and in the middle of my Sudoku. As a concentrated on my puzzle, I tried to walk unassumingly to the corner but was confronted by an angry activist. As I stood there minding my own biz and losing myself in my new found addiction…he was like…why are you doing puzzles. I was like…Um…because I can. The he said “How are doing puzzles going to get Dick Chaney out of office”. I replied, it’s not meant to and I’ll do whatever the fuck I wanna do on my own time kthnxbi. He tried to shove his un-recyclable pamphlet in my hands but I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and walked across the street. What a dumfuck? All I wanted to do was finish my Sudoku, go home and curl up and die, fuckin mood ruiner!



I walked home more than annoyed and wondered if the annoyance was really about him. I walked and was greeted by my guest. He asked about my day and I said it was fine. Then all of a sudden…like I was free to let go…I went into the bathroom and hyperventilated. I made myself purge the afternoon’s lunch and cried a little more. Not on purpose mind you. It was like I was watching myself have a breakdown and I couldn’t stop it. It only lasted all of five minutes but I’m sure it concerned my guest. I felt a little better and well enough to ask if he wanted this daily slurpee. To which, there will never be a no. And so we went for a walk. I needed to get out…I needed to move around. Our conversation consisted of very little. Usual back and forth banter. On the way back we pondered what to do for dinner. The frybread I had promised him a many time on the forefront of the mind, we decided on Indian Tacos. Mmm Mmm Mmm…NDN taco’s. It was impromptu and we had to use what was at the little metro store but all in all it came out okay. I tried another frybread recipe cause somewhere it was dubbed “the greatest frybread recipe in the world”. So it wasn’t mine. When I saw how much baking soda was to be used, I sorta cringed. But as an avid rule follower when it comes to recipes…I did what it asked. The dough came out okay. It was just a little thick for my taste but all in all the fluffiness was good. I’ll probably revert back to my own recipe next time but with a few added touches I learned from that recipe. I had fun doing it. I think it was the first time I made a real meal in my own kitchen. Regardless, dinner came out okay. I was nervous. I love my cooking but I’m always afraid others won’t like it. C’est la vie.



The night progressed into some intense T.V. watching. The Monday night double header was on the agenda, the Redskins & Cowboys…but toward the end of the night I have to watch my beloved Laguna Beach. I just love their drama. After Laguna I looked over and noticed my friend was asleep…I took that as a cue and fell asleep my damn self. I managed an hour before I awoke with a heavy heart. I tossed and turned for 2 hours. I finally had to get out and go for a walk. When I walked outside I called Benji and when he answered I just started bawling about my mom. I cried all the way to CVS and back. He listened and engaged some really good advice. He calmed my heart once more and once again…heavy heart lifted for time being. I went back and manged to actually get some sleep. Again, I was grateful for yet another night of not having to be alone. I slept well and welcomed dreaming once more.

Monday, September 19

Some days are better than most...

So first off, I'm not stress about anything right now. I am perfectly peaceful...so with that being said...

Last night I found out my mother has six months to a year to live. I have shed a few tears about it and although I'm not fine with it, I'm not going to and haven't gone into freak out mode. I love my mother and I knew this was possible and deep down just waiting for it to be confirmed. I'm not pouty. I'm optimistic. But truely and honestly...I'm not sad so I request you don't be sad for me. Prayers are always welcome and appricated, as are smiles. Its like good news bad/news, ya know. Meaning most people don't know how much time they have with they're parents and they take them for granted. Now I know and the good news is I can make sure the time we have left gets to be valuable. I'm taking this day with a grain of salt...happy my mom is here for the time being...and trying to focus out so I can focus on my next move. My main concern right now is my 10 year old brother. Someone needs to be there for him. And since I have the best potential and no other obligations...That person most likely is me. Which means yet another move back to the west coast. The transition is going to be easy for any of us. I don't know how many more people know outside of my siblings and father so I'm trying to keep a low profile. As long as I am here in D.C. I plan on still living my life. I'm not going to stop living just cause I can't do anything right now. I don't know how much longer I'll be here...but when I know I'll let chu guys know.

Saturday, September 17

Wednesday, September 14

www.sudoku.com

For the past couple days, to pass the time away, I've been doing Su do Ku Number puzzles. Now, doing number puzzles isn't pressing hardcore stuff but it isn't easy either. They put them in the Washington Post Express every morning and doing them is a treasured part of my day considering I have nothing else better to do than watch George Bush squawk about whatever. At first I picked it up cause it was intriguing and it took me about 2 hours to do the first one. (With the aid of a lot...I repeat...a lot of white out.)

Without going into a long drawn out story, I just finished my 5th such puzzle, medium difficulty in 30 minutes with no white out. *pats self on back*

Is it time for the New York Times crossword? hmmm....

Thursday, September 8

And your heart will be at peace...

I just got a phone call from the missing brother in New Orleans. And as predicted...he's is alive...he is okay. We talked for an hour about his many advantures of fighting off looters, rescuing 2 girls that were trying to drive during the worst part of the storm, and the great ready to eat meals.

My brother has the best attitude. The converstation wasn't sad or drab. It was more upbeat than anything and for that I am thankful. He's just happy to be alive. He told me about the people he comes across that are sadden by the devistation...which they have every right to be...but he takes the time to share with them the joys of just being alive. You're home is missing but your family is here...home is where the heart is...and as long as you're alive...Everything is better than okay.

He's a nut but I love him. And I am doubly thankful to Maheo for him being able to call and get through. Prayers for the ones that can't see the light in the darkness of this their situation. And share in the joy for the ones that do.

Saturday, September 3

Another wonderful nite with my gay lover Martin

Friday, September 2

Just a tad sensitive right now...

I'm tired...I've had 3 hours of sleep total....I can't sleep now cause my body hates the shit out me...perhaps literally...I'm not in the mood for other people's attitude so I'll just stick with my own today...thanx...

Now that I've alerted the media...on to deeper note...

I finally broke down and cried yesterday and I've been trying not to cry all fucking day....

See...My roomate loves to leave CNN on in the morning when he leaves for work.  Usually I leave my apt before then so when I come back...CNN is still on.  Now...I'm not totally oblivious to the fact that there is a great big chaotic tragety happening in the South.  Of course not...my brother lives in New Orleans.  But I think with anything and everything...out of site out of mind you know.  I know my brother is okay...I know my brother is going to be okay...even though I nor anyone has heard from him at all.  My brother is a resourceful person and he's a leader when he needs to be.  My brother is okay....I know this.   But yesterday...when I walked in to my apt...I had full coverage of scenes in New Orleans straight in front of my face.  Babies crying, death toll rising, people starving, people angry with every right to be...

Me...I have no right to complain about my life right now because somewhere in New Orleans...my brother may be watching a mother watching her children starve...My brother may be trapt inside a house alone with no food or water to drink.  My brother could quite possibly be doing everything he can to help people that can't help themselves right now and being a hero.  My brother could be praying harder than he's ever prayed in his life for me in hopes that I & my sister don't let our lives go to waste...

And a hard and simple truth of the matter is...my brother could quite possibly be dead right now.   

So as of now...I really don't have a right to do nothing with my life.  I can sit here and cry about it some more...cause yeah...it does make me sad to think about him being there...but right now...I choose to use this day to honor my brother...honor him by honoring myself...by not taking this day for granted...by enjoying what I do have which is my family, my friends, and people who love me...by going out and thanking Maheo for letting me borrow yet another day in this world...I choose to honor my brother today...and pray that whatever he is doing...wherever he may be right now...he can feel my light and that of all those that love him and are thinking of him now...

I miss you Ivan...I love you and I have faith you will make yourself known soon...
 

Image hosted by Photobucket.com




My prayers go out to everyone in the world today...The Middle East as well as the people affected by the Hurricane.  May Maheo give you peace.

Thursday, September 1

Little brother's...

Aren't they the greatest?