Fear is the path to the darkside...

So recently me and Leslie have come into reality. Our reality as a couple. My move here was made on a whim...Our whim...without any real plan or thought to unwanted consequences. So of course, our consequences hit us smack in our face. And as it were...with all our dreams coming into fruition...we have a set-back...Right now I'm jobless living with my mother...at first just for a visit...then it was to take care of her because she is sick...and now it is out of necessity...not just cause my mom is sick...but because our home is being renovated. How long will that take? I don't know. Could be a long while. And in the midst of all this...we've equally become stressed with other things such as job, money, and family and had inturn reverted to our independent reactions rather than reacting as a partnership. Why? Cause that's what we do. It has put more than a slight strain on our resolve. More so me cause the Aries in me loves the dramatic. The Pisces in him takes the quiet cool route keeping feelings and fears within so as not to burden the populus. In turn, I have recently brought up old feelings and fears to compensate over the silence. Which if you're trying to keep a relationship going strong, then you have to recognize and let go of the heavy baggage you're bringing into the new one. I admit it...I've gone through every fear I've ever had in past relationship and made them somewhat real in this one. Some of my concerns aren't unfounded mind you. He learned at an early age to never reveal a weaknesses. It makes him good at what he does as person and a fuckin mighty fine chess player I might add. So with this process, I've come to learn a very different side of him I wasn't quite accustomed to. I've fallen victim to that yucky co-dependant mode where I make up excuses for him and on top of that started being whiney. Which I hate. That obviously doesn't work. So I tried to take the quiet route and that doesn't work either. The more I was quiet, the more the fears would fester and grow.

As someone wise once said..."Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." (I had to...hahahaha...)

Life isn't always going to be perfect. But if you take a step back and remember why this is real in the first place...and examine why this unexpected and unwanted moment in your relationship is happening...It's easier to let go of the things that seem so intrusive and abrupt. I have one of the biggest egos in the world. But I'm also one of the biggest closet romantics...I'm not perfect by any means...letting go because things aren't going my way isn't the answer...and I tend to give up easily when things aren't handed to me or my weakness is shown too early. My relationship isn't a chess game I'm trying to beat him at...If one of us is winning, then who is losing? All I know is that for all the things I don't got that I would profoundly like to have at this moment...all I have to do is remember that one moment...that perfect moment...where the all the lights of vegas went unoticed...during a very needed cab ride in december...when the words were sung in silence with gestures...interpreted by the king himself...I couldn't help falling in love...That moment captured my heart forever...

Something...