I am...whatever you say I am...

"If I wasn't then why would you say I am?" ~ Eminem...


Tonite was just one of those nights. One of those nights you're not really interested in having...but having the memory of one person is worth enduring all else...

I love my sister to death...that's all I'll say. That and I'm truely happy and proud that she landed a fucking kick ass job. WTG, my love.

For the rest of the people involved with tonite. Thank you. I truely had a lovely night. Cassie was awesome...Doofie...you're a fabulous dancer...you just don't know it yet...and Shannon...a class all her own...

And for the hour and a half conversation I had with my (future) husband...It was great my love. I miss you soo fucking much it makes my heart sick but at the same time so joyous that I even have someone to love and miss that much. I know it's a miricle that people should love and want another as we do...but I cherish and am humbled and grateful to be so blessed.

You're the best, you're the best, you're the best. I wanna say sorry for the tears but I'm not...You're heart should be physically next to mine always. I'll accept that it is here spiritually and be content. I pray I'll always get that nicotine like rush of adreniline rush I get when you utter those 3 perfect words to me.

I love you.

Randoms

[Shameless website plug?...I think so...]

Even though it's not finished yet...

And jury Duty blows ass, can I just tell you that...

21 more days til I make the big move...

Went to the carival last night and had a blast.

This picture rocks my face:



I should be in bed but I'm not.

Krispy Kreme for breakfast me thinks...

My inner child...

I just had a very eye opening conversation with my father regarding a certain part of me that is buried so deep I’ve become numb to it. Something that’s been a pain and affects my life so that it keeps me overweight, it keeps me in debt, it keeps me from achieving or even striving for my dream and it keeps me from expanding my already awesome life. Basically what it all boils down to is that I’m not worthy or more specifically, I am not a worthy person. It’s what kept me from Leslie so long that if it wasn’t for him knowing better and looking deeper than the front I was putting up, I would still be wandering lost doing nothing.

I think I’m not worthy. Something very deep inside believes without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to have money. I’m not worthy to be fit, I wasn’t worthy of Leslie, I’m not worthy of affecting native children’s lives in a way that changed the world. I’ve become an expert at being numb to my pain. I do have moment thats I enjoy and I enjoy in spite of myself but it all seems to be short lived because this belief creeps upon me and plays on all my fears. I start to think to myself I don’t deserve it so I should stop being happy I got it.

Why?

Because sometime a long time ago someone told that little child inside me that he* wasn’t worthy and he wouldn’t amount to anything. He is the one that keeps me from accepting most of reality cause I am forever catering to his bruised ego. He’s also kept me going and without him I wouldn’t be here today. But that’s a wound that I need to heal and quickly before I start another cycle in my new life with Leslie. (*Yes my inner child is a boy hence two-spirited)

I don’t have an immediate resolution to this revelation but I thought I would lay it down so I can come up with a solution. If I don’t then I’ll continue to ignore it and perpetuate this seemingly never ending cycle on my future husband and our kid(s). And right now they mean more to me than holding on to this negativity...

Something.

On very mini-haitus...

I got picked for Jury Duty...whoopty do...5 business days and however long we deliberate...fun fun fun...bleh...



basically up the creek without a paddle til then...good times.

Noche Del Fuego

Saturday night I couldn't resist the urge to go and dance the night away yet again with the beautiful Latin hawtness of D.C.


Us before we went in the club...Drunk already perhaps?


The club is already crunk and jumpin...we walked in like super modles that owned the joint.


Doing a once over to check out the tasty morsels...


But not before we load up on drinkies...


The rest of the night consisted of Flamenco...



Drag Queen Divaz


Sexy Latin Boys(above Martin below, Rudolpho, Danny, and I forget his name...)




More Alk...


ass grabbing and breastesez appriciation...


All in all a good night...notice how we look more sober than when we went in...hahaha..good times...

It's Friday and I'm bored...

Read the question, go to google.com, type your answer in the search box, look under images, post an image that comes up as a result. Capishe?

1. Your first car?



It was red and not shiney at all...but it was mine and took me across the country and back again...

2. Where you grew up?


Fort Hall, Idaho...REZ life.


Small town life...loved it...

3. Where you live now?


My "Home"...I'll miss it...

4. Your name?


Surprise, Surprise...

5. Your grandmother's name?


Katie

Alfreda

6. Favorite food?


Indian Tacos are teh bomb...my sisters/mom's especially

7. Favorite drink?


Dr. Pepper

8. Favorite song?


Come back to me - Janet Jackson

9. Favorite smell?


Early Morning Rain

10. Last thing you ate?


Burger King...yey

Love is a many spelendored thing...

When you're in love...

A lot of people want to dismiss what you feel really quickly. They want to say, "Oh, you're just fooling yourself" "There is no such thing as a soul mate. There is no such thing as true love". And to them I say. How do you know if you've never been there? How do you know until you KNOW you've been there?

Being "in love" is disguised as many things....as incredible like, as incredible lust, as incredible co-dependency. All of those things, I find, can be easily mistaken as being "in love". And all of those things...as beautiful as they can appear are things that can be easily turned into something ugly…something that can easily be manipulated into something mean and sometimes horrific.

It’s not always easy to tell the difference but for me I know that I already know without a shadow of a doubt I've found my soul mate. I've found the one man in the whole world that wants nothing other than to please, satisfy and enjoy my being…to breathe and embrace my soul. Why do I know that he's the one...above all beings...him? For me, it’s because it's always been him. Since the first day we met he's been the one person in my life that I knew would never let me down on purpose (Not including my family). He's the one man in the world that ever got me to feel my thoughts and feelings meant something to someone. The first ever conversation we had was and probably still is the best conversation I've ever had with someone in my life. When I met him, I knew the man was amazing but I didn't catch that "love at first sight" bug. Cause at the time i didn't believe in it. I was very happily single. I was (am) beautiful, funny, sane, and available. I needed not a boyfriend or any single person to be attached to. I loved it that way.

And ever since that first night, we both knew for what ever reason we had something. We had this undeniable connection that I knew regardless of everything, that I would be in his life for life always and he in mine in some way shape or form. Being his girlfriend (I don't like the word girlfriend, I prefer "lova") never crossed my mind for a slew of reasons. He lived 2000 miles away, he wasn't my type, I was living the good bi-sexual single life style...so on so forth. And being his lover never crossed my mind not because he wasn't gorgeous and sexy but because I respected the hell out of him to no end. I think he's probably the only person I've ever come to respect (In my age category) that much.

Its amazing how one moment can change your life. Its amazing how one person can be so devoted and loving without reciprocation and just going on a belief, an idea....a "know". How a simple idea can bring about such chaos and infamy and how all these thoughts and ideas in a single moment hit you like a 2x4 smack in the head and you're like DUH!

I always knew in my heart that Jason was perfect from me. Not for all the aesthetic reasons but for the biggest one of all. He loves me unconditionally (which that sentence to me is redundant cause if love is "conditional" than it isn't love...but that's a whole different blog)....that and he was persistent as hell. I know in my heart that he will never be anything but honest, loving, and 100% with me (as far as our relationship goes) and I in turn easily and gratefully do the same for him. Jason really is my "soul mate" we're so much alike it's funny sometimes. Just minor things like him saying something I was thinking of just then. Just those little ghey moments that make you take a step back and smile at.

I guess the whole point of this is that love doesn't look like what you're expecting it too. It's great to have standards and it's great to know what you want. But I believe, in order to actually receive those things you gotta be willing to be open...and you gotta be willing to forget your beliefs on what love is suppose to be. Love is not age, race, gender or class. It just is. And if I never learned that from my beautiful two-spirited father...than I would never have met the man with whom I adore to no end, respect and can't wait to experience the rest of this lifetime (and the next).
fin


Thank you, Leslie Jason Shakespeare, for finding me and believing in us. Thank you for believing that much in the possibility that as far as I was concerned was an impossibility. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be as unbelievably happy as I am right now and the sooner we're together...the sooner this world will never fucking be the same. I love you, baby. I'll see you soon.

Cherry Blossoms...

I just love this time of year!  Spring TIME!

I miss my self-worshipping days...

I've let my self slip ALOT in the past couple months. Not only have I gained like 10 lbs but I don't even try to put make up on, even when I go out! WTF My hair is uninspiring to say the least. I'm still on the cusp of growing it out or getting another cute short cut. But then again...for some reason it's been put in my head that I am now officially "fat". *gag* I don't feel like it but crap I'm not gonna go around and be all emporer's new clothes if I have a fat head. Which I guess just means to me I need start buckling down and quit with the trill excuses not to fucking get out and run. I haven't ran in forevers. Something. I guess I just miss the excitement of putting on make-up and taking pictures of myself. Just to say damn I'm cute. I didn't care if anyone else thought so...I did. Bleh..something.

Hahahaha...I swear I conjur the most retarded music on my launchcast jootbox...hahaha...random songs that I need to get me out of my rut.

I get it Michael...I'm Bad.

LMAO...Get over myself, like whoa.

My thoughts on Marriage...(too early in the morning)

A question was posed in the Native Pride forum on what marriage means to me and how I would define it. Someone already said it was more about commitment than love and to a certain extent I agree...so here was my response:

I agree with Malynda when they say it's more about commitment than love. Although, I wouldn't being getting married if I didn't truely love the person I'm with. For me getting married isn't about the benefits or a legal name change, it's about promising our lives to each other before Maheo, our families and the people we love that we'll put each other first and stay committed to one another. It's a day to celebrate that commitment to each other and a time for our families to meet and become one. Its the point and time where families bless the two beings that have came before them, promised to have each other's best interest at heart and for them to either agree or disagree it's a good match. In any event, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I'm going to be with someone for the rest of my life. I just want the opportunity to promise before my family and his that this is the only person that I want in my life, to raise my kids (or not if you don't want any), who knows without a shadow of a doubt I want my plug pulled, that I trust will have OUR (and OUR family/future family's) best interest at heart above his own and I inturn will do the same.

Marriage isn't for everyone. Some people think they need marriage to complete them as a human. Some will never get married if only for the simple fact is that they don't need to or want to and that's great. Marriage isn't necessary for everyone but if you choose to do it don't do it cause it sounds good or seems like the right thing to do. Do it cause it's important to you and it means something to you and you're ready to put your integrity on the line.


Marriage is everyone's right and until it's legal for everyone, it's a taken for granted priviledge that we should take seriously or not do at all.


My cheap two cents.

How ghey is ghey...

My friends begged me and Leslie to take this shot.  We got like $5 and free shots to do it...hahaha...suckers.

GHEY ALERT!!

________________________


For my love who I just left at the airport:
My love, My life. I can't express how much this week has meant to me. It hasn't really sunk in yet that you're probably waiting on the runway right now and that soon you'll be about 2,000 miles from the where our heads awoke just hours ago. And yeah moment by moment it does get a little harder, but you're always with me in whatever I do. And I miss you like crazy right now even though I can't change this ghey Celine Dion song playing (my heart will go on) on my launchcast, I suppose it's perfect for the moment. Jason I love you. You are the best and you are mine. As much as I wanna think the neurotic thoughts about us I can't.  I deserve you and we belong together. What's meant to be will always be and soon enough we'll be the family we're meant to be. Time doesn't go slow enough when we're together or fast enough when we're apart. Just know that I love you. That's all that matters. And you suck cause you didn't give me my ring dammat. (But I understand why) *giggles* Kisses from me2u to share w/Abby.