Monday, August 23

Well Well Wow

I just got through watching Big Fish for the first time. It was a really great movie. I really didn't know what I was expecting or what I wanted to take away from it. All I know is that it inspired me to think about this particular moment in my life. It made me realize something about my life that I probably wouldn't have though of any other way. That's what I love so much about movies. Movies are a catalyst for the way I believe I want my life to be.

Big Fish, as animated and beautiful as it was, made me think of the events that have happened in these past few weeks. All the ways I've been feeling and perhaps a validation for the way that I feel. One of the events that I have been pondering is one that I don't regret but makes me sad inside. This weekend I had to let down a guy that in all essence should be perfect for me. He's smart, intelligent, funny, attractive and he's a great great mentor and motivator. He came up to DC just to see me. And I didn't realize until it was already done. And he told me how he felt and how he feels about me to my amazement and in all honestly discontent. Maybe what he offered could've been good. And maybe I could have considered it. But it wasn't romantic. It wasn't the way I dreamed a moment like that would come. He told me in the throws of drunkness that he loved me and that he wanted to fall in love with me. At that moment I was speechless. I was sadend throughout because no matter heartfelt it was, no matter how true and real, how could he expect me to accept such an offer and actually take into my life like it meant something.

I just broke up an 8 year friendship cause I can't stand alcholics and alcholic men in my life. I'm through and done with it. That's why I've been single for so long. Cause I don't want that or anything to do with a relaionship like that. I don't want any of it. I left that life back in Idaho and Oklahoma only for it to follow me here? I left all that I knew and the people I loved to find something better than myself, to find myself and my own way. What's right for Spring and what makes Spring happy in this world.

I have finally started feeling something for someone. A person unbeknownst to me but who gives me butterflies in my stomache again and makes me smile like no other. He's not my type and he is so not what I would probably pick for myself had I not become so smitten so fast. There is an Aries for you, always failing to look before you leap. All I know is that even though we don't talk everyday or have even met. We feel so much and it's awesome and great and perfect with all it's tiny imperfections. Like a dream. Like a movie. He makes me feel beautiful despite myself. And calms my worries just by saying so. I don't know what I did to deserve such blinded affection. All I know is that I am blinded by my affection for him.

So with that, and all things being considered now now have a chance to meet. In two weeks, during Labor Day, I am going to Long Island New York. To meet the man-child that has all so clumsily stolen my heart. The Shinnecock Pow-wow is going on at that time so he has oh so generously agreed to let me stay at his house in the Hamptons. I had no clue when I first met him that he lived in the Hamptons because that seems totally unreal and makes me laugh at myself. How the heck did I snare a boy from the Hamptons? The world may never know.

In the mean time, I had to let down the man that should be my ideal. Why? Cause of all the things that are perfect about him, he hides the courage he easily gives others from himself and inside a bottle. He had not the courage to ever say this sober and for that I can't. I love him and I always will. But for now it can never be. I'm not ready to give up my life again to move back to a place that has no oppertunity for me. No more than I can ask him to move out here just so we can get to know eachother the way we should have in the 8 months that we've known eachother. That's just not my way. Plus, Im too young and cute to be anyones mom. *AYE* (he has a 9 month old)

So now, I'll buck up and be the adventureous Aries. Swallow my pride and meet this guy that I probably have a chance in hell with. A guy I have nothing in common with and not even on the same plane with. Why? Cause it's crazy. And I'm crazy. And life is crazy and without moments like would be know we are alive. Those who take the biggest risks, get the biggest rewards. And those with nothing to lose have everything to gain. That's the way I've been living my life and that's the way I will continue to do so.

Such is my life and it is blessed.

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