Friday, June 4

For Mom:

*Disclaimer: In case you are wondering and not that it matters but my dad is gay. I'm just letting you know, in case you didn't, so you're not confused*

This is a dedication to my fathers ex-boyfriend that for a while was apart of the family. I recently got the news he has since passed and this is for him as well as me. Thank you. ;)

I know you can hear me

Yesterday while I was cleaning, I found some old cards of mine that I kept over the years and was contemplating throwing them out. The first one I saw happened to be from you and my dad after I graduated from my Life training class, saying you were proud of me. The other was from Christmas time wishing me well and missing me. Seeing them made me remember what I had heard a only two days before. That when tears began to fall. You had lived out your happy life and had fulfilled your life's purpose. You were on to your next journey.

I remember when I first heard the news I was shocked. Then quickly put on my brave face/voice for my father cause I know he had been crying so much already. It pained him to say the words that you were gone. But I listened. No exactly knowing what to say or how to feel. Then I immediately thought of my sister, knowing she was closest to you of all of us right then. And I knew she needed me now as much as ever. When she answered she didn't have to speak nor did I. I just listened to her weeps and tears. Still not knowing what to say. Still holding back my own grief and sorrow. Unwilling to let myself be sad. Finally, when I let her go, I looked to my right and saw the Chinese Calligraphy you got for me in my names from China. Both in Kate and Katie cause they didn't have Spring. Right then I couldn't help but let it out. Right then, I let myself cry.

I haven't cried much since then, although I'm crying right now. Cause I miss you more than I ever realized. I never knew it would hurt this much. It does. It hurts cause I did love you and I really do care. I was just too selfish and stubborn like my father to show it. We didn't even say goodbye when you two broke up. We just let it wander and drift away like a raft out to sea. Which seemed to be fine for the both of us.

I don't do regrets. So I'm not going to regret anything I did or didn't do. I just miss you now. And it hurts that you are gone. I know you are watching over all of us. And even though not in the physical, you will watch Amba and Tris grow up. Whenever I am faced with a tough choice like fighting for the better job, more money or doing something that makes me happy. I'll think of you and what you would tell me. "Don't settle. Life is too short to settle, Miss Spring"

You never settled. You spent your money on the best of everything cause that's what you knew you deserved. You are an inspiration of why you should live life to the fullest. I think that's what I'll remember most.

I only wish to live at least have half the life you lived. And see a third of the places you have been. I'm still young so I think I can make it happen. Forget that. I will make it happen. ;) So in lieu of regrets I will do rememberences. And keep the good memories with me.

I remeber the first time we met...
How shy you were at meeting me. And we went to Bucca's for dinner. It was my Dad's birthday. You were quiet yet still managed to smile. I'm glad you were there. It was a fun night.

I remember the first time I knew you were a part of my family...
My father, You, my Numi and me all went to go see The Divine Secrets of the Yah Yah Sisterhood. My sister called you mom by accident but it fit. And you were stuck with it. Soccer Mom. *LOL* We had a great time that night.

I remember that...
You never left me out. But we were never that close cause we're stubborn. I knew you loved me and I loved you. We had good times.

I remember when you...
Let me drive your mercedes when you first got it. Dad about had a heart attack but you let me take it around the block with the top down. I was pimp for 5 minutes. It was awesome.

I remember when we...
Had a blast at Kelli's wedding. You were so helpful and made everything possible. Kelli had the best wedding that anyone one of us could have hoped for. And it would have never happened because of you. You got to meet my real mom and you too seemed to get along just fine. I'm happy she dragged you with them when they did the parent introductions. You deserved to be there just as much as my father and real mom. You were "mom".

I'm most remember you for...
Being an example of what it takes to get what you want out of life and how to be a success. You lossed all the weight. You became a independantly wealthy with your own business. And you finally got the mercedes you dreamed of your whole life. You suceeded and thrived. You made your life happen and lived your life to the fullest to the very end. I'm glad you were apart of my life.

~*~R.I.P. Micheal "Mom" Davis~*~

No comments: