Tuesday, June 15

A beautiful day...

I took the day off today because I was really tired and drained. I needed the day off to refocus my energies and myself as well. I didn't really think twice this morning about calling in like I usually do. Today was just a day to sit at home and rest and conversate with my sister Roach.

We talked alot about our spiritualites and alot about the people we are. I mostly needed to get off my chest and focused on where I am now because of all this change in my life. I'm not afraid of it. Usually, I would be. With the death of my mom and the death of my daughther. I have a strong urge and need to one myself with everything in my life. My new apartment being somewhat at the forefront of it all. I'm finally moving out on my own. Into the real world. With a real job and a real space of my own. Not shared by roommates. Mine. For me, getting this apartment means so much and is a testiment to where I am in my life.

I've come so far from being that selfish/selfless little girl that was tied down to obligations in the family so much so that it hindered my wellbeing. People always felt a need to protect me and to baby me and take care of me and I in return felt obligated to take care of everyone's kids cause I was single and had no "real" obligations.

I'm finally comming into not having to rely or ask everyone to help me out with my life. (although that will never cease cause everyone needs a little help now and then) But the key word being rely. I'm finally comming into being able to trust myself and not judge myself so harshly for the person I was/am. I am who I am. I'm becomming more responsible and self-reliant by the day and that means so much to me and makes me proud of myself for comming so far.

I'm sure there will be challenges that will face me because I've made this declaration of myself but it's only a test to see how badly I do want this. After I get through this, the next challenge will be school cause that's the only thing I've been really shifty about. I've let all my opportunties go to hell and now I'm at the bottom for that. (My GPA is lower than anyone wants to acknowledge)

Anyway that's neither here nor there.

I am where I am which is where I am suppose to be. I have my friends that I learn so much from in the day to day. And I love them all. I tend to attract turtle people in my life. Everyone one of my friends in my immediate circle that I cherish daily are turtle people. I think that's kewl. (Turtle people are the burden bearers, spiritualist and connectors to the earth)

Blah blah blah. So that's where my day is.

Talking with Roch about all this made me feel peaceful and at one with all that's going on around me. So today is a great day. I would get all NDN and say "Today is a good day to die" but I'm not ready yet. It is but is soo not my time to go. There is so much on this earth I was meant to accomplish that when it's fianally all over, I know I will have live a fullfilled life and have no regrets. My journey here has only just begun and I am at one.

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