Friday, November 28

Why, why, why...

Why do I torture myself? WHY!

I was going thru my site trying to clean out somethings and I came across my tribute to my ex-boy from a little while back, Mr. Man. You know just to see if I really wanted to keep it up or not since we don't and probably will never talk to him again. I've already begun to erase his old emails that he sent me way back in the day. Useless shyt. Hi and by sexy stuff. And since I have a link to his yahoo profile on this tribute page I decided to see if perchance he had updated it. And, lucky me, he did. He's doing great in Vancouver, joining the Police Dept and all that plus he has a new girlfriend that loves him and is sane. Fabulous! I'm happy as happy can be for him because he deserves to be in a great relationship. And just to hear that he's loved is great to know. At least he's out there enjoying his life. I'm satisfied.

Of course, there is that very tiny small insignificant part of me that is very painfully sad. Why? Who knows why. Because I love him? Yeah sure. I do love him but I always new that on the most basic level we were not meant for each other. He was just to good for me in my mind and I still to this day don't know what he saw in me. Do I still think about him? Yeah I do. I just can't place my finger on why I feel so much for someone that I know loved me on some level but would never put down his guard to let anyone in. I dunno, maybe I did make to much of things. I made him out to be bigger than what he was...(pause) I put him sooo high on a pedastal, I could never reach him.

WHY THE FUCK AM I SAD ABOUT THIS? We went out for all of a month and talked on and off for 2 years, barely. I truely was and am happy for Benji and Ryan when they moved on. Why can't I JUST be happy for him. I really am very upset to where I'm doing my damn best not to cry at work about this. Trying to not let this little tiny insignificant part of me that is pained overwhelm me. Why does it affect me when it didn't affect me for them. (It did a little for Ryan but for other reasons)

I just don't know...For now, I'm going to go crawl in a ball in the corner and listen to my sad music. WHY? Maybe I'll figure it out. Until then...adieu and just in case you're wondering, I'll be okay, so don't worry about me.

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