Subject : {01.28.07} - I happily say...I took that pic a year ago.

Posted Date: : Jan 29, 2007 12:33 AM

"I gotta admit sometimes
I feel week for loving you the way I do
It's beyond me
I can't control it or force it to be,
you know, what I want it to be
I think about you so much
when I'm with you
and when I'm not
It's deep, the way,
 just looking in your eyes
 just changes my whole perspective
Nothing is more beautiful
 than loving you, holding you being next to you
Kissing your lips
taking my time with you
Nothing is more beautiful
than loving you Holding you being next to you
Moving my hips
Moving in time with you
Put of all the things in the world,
god gave us to each other
It's amazing
You are the king I always imagined
This is the best time of my life."
"Nothing (Interlude)" by Jill Scott


About 365 days ago and with every fiber in my being straining to contain an ego that was about the size of Alaska...I gave myself a gift and quite possibly the greatest gift I've ever come to know in this lifetime. I gave myself the gift of possibility.  Possibility that only months before I could never fathom.  A possibility that I thought I had safely stashed away for a more "appropriate time".  This day about a year ago...I let myself be the possibility of being freedom and joy.  The possibility of being laughter and inspiration.  The possibility of being incredible and beautiful all into one.  I gave myself the gift of being  love...again.

I say this because at that time, I debated about the appropriateness of the timing and the readyness of my heart that had only recently begun to heal. I debated whether it would be in bad taste or even fair considering what I had only just let go of.  Plus, I was just plain scared to death at even considering giving my time and putting energy and understanding and effort into another person. 

It was never my intention to fall in love with Bane.  Hell, before we even met I had known of him because he added me on myspace sometime back.  I didn't make it a point to become bffl with him because back then I had about 5,000 plus Joigazm admirers.  I commented him and he would comment me back.  Nothing spec-tac.   I think what really got us talking was me responding to a what would you say if you woke up next to me tomorrow bulletin.  I said something the fact that its about time and then we started just...talking.  I noticed he lived close by and he was a native so I started nagging him to come meet me. It was ghey because I actually asked him if it would be weird to give him my number.  That always cracks me up because I have never volunteered my number so freely to what was seemingly a stranger....and a stranger that lived in the area to boot.  (I had a stalker once and it wasn't great) Being the shy guy he is I started giving up hope...

I suppose the only reason I wanted to meet him so much is because he never approached me with anything but respect.  He was never like I wanna sex you up and he was such a sweetheart.  Plus, I admit, the badboy image was a huge turn on but never my focus.  My focus was just trying to find new friends.  New people to put in my life.  A new partner in crime if you will.  I just wanted new friends but at the time...which just happened to be new years....my resolve was to give women priority in my life. 

When we did meet we were both nervous as hell even though it was only a friendly event.  Thinking about it always makes me smile when I remember seeing this tall skinny white boy waiting for me to arrive.  I did and the rest of the night consisted of conversation that I adored like no other.  The rest of the night went slowly but much to my gratitude.  He was a regular joe.  Just like me.  Talented and above average...but he was a take life as it kind of guy buddist/taoist values.  Huge plus.  ;)   The night we met is what we contribute to the actual  anniversary.  Its the day our lives changed for the better.  But for all intents and purposes...it was today that we let go of our demons and said yes to letting ourselves get the shit kicked out of us by love. 

Making that decision was hard.  The only thing that resuonded in my mind when I began to struggle with acutally letting Bane into my heart was love like you've never been hurt before. The decision was hard on so many levels and hard because of so many reasons.  Reasons that have escaped me now. 

I made the decision conciously and when I did it I didn't even ask if he wanted me.  I just said hey guess what...I'm yours.  And in turn...he did the same...we both did..freely and happily and both cried like little bitches the whole while...but we did it.  And then the next day he moved in. LMAO. 

My life with Bane this past year has been one of the greatest times in my life.  It forced me to grow up.  It challenged me aim higher.  It made me make miricles happen...and you know what...I wouldn't change a damn thing about anything that's happened between us because we can say without blinking....that we are still happily and crazy in love.  :D  He still gives me butterflies.  It still amazes me to see this gorgeous, delicious, and succulant (Yes, Mariana I said succulant) man in my bed every morning.  And he tells me everyday..that he loves me. Plus, what woman can't appricate and love a man with the biggest and most beautiful penis hazel greey eyes I've ever had the joy to gaze on.  Its They're amazing.

So there you go....my Bane story.  I love this kid like no other...and I'll love this kids....til the day I die.