Friday, January 19

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe

Subject : {01.19.07} - I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe
Posted Date: : Jan 19, 2007 1:55 PM
Happy Birthday, Edgar Allan Poe!
Its quite fitting that today is his birthday considering that last night during our pillow talk session his name happened to be notably mentioned.  I'm always completely amused at what we talk about sometimes before we go to sleep.  We had a very enjoyable conversation about who the coolest mother fucker ever to walk the earth was…Vincent Price or Marlon Brando and for the life of me I don't even know why I put Brando up against Price…it was the only semi-cool person I could think of at the moment.  After it was said it became apparent that it wasn't even a real question.  Of course, Vincent Price is THEE coolest mother fucker to ever walk the earth hands down.  No one has even come close to living a life that was as elegant, regal, dark and amusing as his.  He simply was and is the epitome of cool. 
Then of course, Poe was mentioned because you can't mention Price without mention of Poe.  Edgar Allan Poe was a lot of things.  A lot of things I could mention to make myself seem smart but I won't.  I'll just say he is the first and the only one to actually scare the shit out of me in a short story.  Tell-Tale Heart is the only story that I completely adore like no other. (Save for the Velveteen Rabbit which is my all time favorite)   Of course I love Poe for all the conventional things but I readily admit that I would like to actually sit down and read the unabridged version of Poe's works that just happens to be laying on our little media center we have goin on.  So yeah…that's my little blurb about Poe.
I miss reading.  I haven't sat down and actually read a good book in over a year and a half.  I think the last book I read that kept me on the edge of my seat was Angels and Demons (which I need to buy again).  I read some of Dan Brown's other stuff but none of it really compares.  I need new authors I want to enjoy reading again.  Now that I have the time…since Bane and I are "scrapping by" these days…barf.   I deplore the term "scrapping by".  The only reason I mention it is because I was trying to have an empowering conversation yesterday with my dad about how balancing my check book and stuff is working out swimmingly and how by the end of next month we'll have probably the biggest surplus of money that we've earned ever.  Which will continue to only grow if we're careful and conscience of how and what we spend.  For some reason when I was explaining to him that although we have to be super careful this month he stopped listening and proceeded to give me this story about how he did it.
He proceeded to explain to me that I/We needed to scrap by for a few years and that it is only at his age finally that he can spend money on such frivolous things as the movies, etc etc etc….I was like…um…hello…did you hear me?  I said by the end of February I'll have 1,000 dollar surplus and if we're conscious and don't go buck wild it will only continue to grow.  That's 1,000 dollars AFTER ALL our bills are paid on time AND living expenses.  I admit…my ego was a little crushed after he said that.  I mean…scrapping by just isn't in my vocabulary anymore and for an abundant person…it shouldn't be in anyone's.  I know it's because I don't believe in the idea of scrapping by that I truly have never had to.  I've lived the life of true abundance and that is to say that I was always provided what I needed…and if there was something that I truly wanted…some how I managed to manifest it.  This is all after I was introduced to what the true meaning of abundance was.  It wasn't easy at first…it never is…and when you are truly trying to put something into action there will be obstacles to challenge your resolve…but once you've truly gotten through the trials of true faith in the idea of abundance…abundance being that there IS enough for everyone on this earth and more…then it just comes naturally…it truly does. 
I'm still learning…I'm not a master…but I'm getting there.  And I know the only reason it hurt is because my father is my father and I have it somewhere that if he doesn't believe I can do it…then I don't give my 100%.  Basically, if my dad says it isn't possible…the maybe it really isn't.  I know I need to get rid of this thought process…but I'm still learning…we both are.  It also hurt a little more that when I was laughing at myself for getting hurt…and relaying the story to Bane…it was funny because Bane did the same thing.  Its like after he heard scrapping by he stopped listening and started going on about how we're going to have to scrap by for years and blah blah blah blah…that's when I stopped listening obviously.  That was disempowering…yet again.  Not in the same way but in the context that Bane is my equal partner…50/50.  And if he didn't believe in what we actually WERE accomplishing…we would probably end up scrapping by…and the fuck if I'm going to live the next couple years doing that shit.  Being aware and making choices is one thing…doing it because that's what we "have to do is another…fuck that.
Again…my ego was aroused and I went on a rant with tears and all about how my father and he were just alike and they both were way too damn practical for me.  And how I don't live my life in disempowering ideas because they scare the shit of me and then I threw myself on the bed and covered my head with a pillow.   After I threw my little "tissy" fit and after Bane was finished reprimanding me for being so childish.  He proceeded to apologize.  Apologizing because he got the reason behind what I was saying.  Its not that was I was saying was the truth…cuz its not…and not that my way is better…because its not…but that my ideas and my excitement about our money situation and the direction I know where going it didn't happen because I settled for scrapping by. 
If I did live in that mentality…we would probably be living with roommates or in a bad part of the city.  I would probably have to take a bus plus a metro to work. We wouldn't have a new car that gets paid for every month and we wouldn't have insurance on our car.  If I lived in that mentality we wouldn't have been able to take the random trips and crazy nights with our friends at the spur of the moment.  And if I lived in that mentality…I wouldn't have been able to travel as much as I did before we met or met half the people I've come to love in my life time. 
So…there it is.   Some girls do end up finding someone similar to their fathers.  I acknowledge that.  I acknowledge that I probably picked Bane because he's so open to ideas and like minded like my father but at the same time…I can challenge him in ways that I don't do naturally with my father.  And he challenges me.  I reach for the sky and Bane keeps us grounded.  I push the limits of our box and make it bigger he keeps us focused and fills our space.  The eagle and the lizard…what a pair.  Sometimes I may have to fly down to the tree so he can climb it and meet me half way…but that's quite alright with me.  :D *sings* That's fuckin team work…*/sings*
"It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream." – Edgar Allan Poe
Werd up, Hey.
Happy Birthday again, Mr. Poe.

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