I can't help myself

I had to change it again...I don't like to be corny or flashy. I just like to be me. Even then...it's pink. I love pink but it's not my passion. I'm just really super bored I suppose.

Anyways, as any 24 year old with out a degree and who is not in school, I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to do for the rest of my life. Wondering what would make me happy and is something worthwhile. I've been pondering it more and more because the last thing I want in the world is to be in a dead end job. My passion has always been something that involves kids being a mentor of some sort and/or a role model. And even though my ultimate goal is to be the director of my own non-profit for Native families. I didn't have a clue as to where to start or how to begin. My life, lately, has literally been on hold.

Sure there are a lot of things I'm passionate about. Computers and learning html being one of the biggest thrills of my life. Being a movie buff and someday writing my own screenplay was also always something that I?ve wanted to do. But what has always really been the ?it? for me and still gets me, is my passion for the future of Native children. Not only children but families as well. Healthy families. Sober families. Abuse-free families. Tolerant families. The very idea of having this happen for children on reservations through out the United States is what gets my juice for life flowing.

I know that I can't just work with kids if I expect them to live healthy stress free lives. I have to work with their families as well. And make sure they're involved. Make sure that they invest in their own children?s futures as much as I am willing to. My vision to be the director of my own non-profit American Indian Family Health and wellness centers was always on the edge of fruition. Centers where family wellness is taught, traditions are key, tolerance is sought and sobriety is a way of life.

So with that in mind, although the answer couldn't have been simpler, I was stuck in my little rut. Stuck in my head about how things should look and how things should go. I was trying to figure it out the left-brained way and work backwards. Thinking "Okay, I'm a director and this is great but how did I get here?", "Things are going good, I've got this grant to start it up, where did I get it?" Eventually, giving up the fight after the A.D.D. kicked in and I lost focus. Once that happens, all thoughts that I worked so hard for are gone for good. And with that I let a lot of time go by.

Finally, I had a major break-down yesterday about what I really wanted in life and why my life seemed to only to just barely get by. Why I lived from pay-check to pay-check and why even though my own family life is great where I am, I am so discontent? Through this thinking I was forced to confront myself about what it was I really wanted, who I was a woman, as a young healthy intelligent Native woman. I kept telling myself I am so much better than this. I am so much better that I would dare give myself credit for. Thinking of my friends look up to me and wondering why. It was sure as hell not because of my good looks (Although I have to say I'm not too shabby) but because I genuinely care about them. And it shows. It's a gift and a talent. When you are my friend you know it. And when you're stuck in a rut and need a different perspective, I'm not going to coddle you. I'm the one that asks you the questions that need to help you come to your own conclusions. I will help you figure out what you already know but didn't at the time. I'm good at that. I'm a really good coach. That's one thing that I don't get in my head about.

Then, as if someone hit me with a two-by-four, it was like Duh! Teacher! Hello! Maybe it wasn?t as bad as all that but it was so simple. I want to be a teacher. I want to be directly involved in helping children learn. Fundamentally. I love kids. I love watching kids first read their first book. I love it when they get that they know all their colors. I'm always amazed about how kids these days are just bursting with things that I have yet to realize. My nephew being my prime example is the smartest person I know. Not kid. Person. I had a big hand in raising him. He's not the only one I've been involved with but the most recent. And it's exciting. It's an exciting time for all the new people. That's why when I realized what being a teacher actually meant it breathed life into my very soul. It was like the first fresh breath I've had in a long time.

Now that I?m at the beginning of my journey, I'm just as excited and happy as I ever could be. I have a goal. I have something to strive for, something to look forward to, something that could happen soon and something that would make me very extremely happy. My life is no longer on hold. I've already began looking at schools around here. And of course other options elsewhere. I don't like the idea of moving again. But hey, whatever it takes to have it happen. I need this as much as it needs me. And I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I have even decided to connect with the other half of where I get my personality, my mother. As much as I wish she was perfect, she is still my mother. And even though I don't let myself feel it all the time...I do miss her. So with all these things coming to pass, the world is new. And as of right now....So am I.