Sunday, June 8

Well this week's been an up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like my best friend died today. I guess a small part of me died today. I went to New York this on Thursday to see Mr. Man. And I was excited. I was finally going to see the guy I've been craving for 3 years in his own environment. It was suppose to be a great week ending. But unfortunately for me, it turned out to be very...sad. Thursday was fine. He was waiting for me at the airport and my heart skipped a beat. And we proceeded to have a great night. We ate at La Nova's which according to him is the home of the best pizza ever. I tried it out and yeah, it was the best pizza I ever had. Then we went back to the place we were staying and went to sleep. (Yeah, no funny business, I swear!) We could have but we had already discussed the merits of being celibate so we didn't. We got close and if I knew that was going to be my last chance ever, I would have chosen differently. The next day wasn't as great. Everything started out okay but ended up being the beginning of the end. His lunch hour got messed up and we rushed around to get some business taken care of and he didn't get to do what he really wanted at lunch time. So then when he got off of work and came back to see me he was pretty tired and fustrated. I was hungry because I hadn't eaten all day. I asked if I could borrow his car to get something to eat and he refused saying that He didn't let anyone borrow his car for any reason. Fine. So I jokingly suggested that I walk and he said immediately said it was probably best for me anyway. (Whatever!) I don't know Buffalo. I don't know where I'm going and there are no sidewalks from where we were staying. At that point I was really insulted and went walking anyway. I walked for a while, getting more angry with every step. After I got something I started back. When I got back I was still pretty upset but thought I could just sleep it off. It's easy to make things seem petty things when the person you want to be with is cuddling next to you. So for a short time I let it go. Then what seemed abrupt to me he got up and started watching tv. It was like all of a sudden he tuned me out. And made me even more upset because here I am, I flew all this way just so I could watch him watch TV? I don't think so. I let it build up because I didn't know what to think. I already knew something was wrong so finally I told him to turn off the tv so we could talk about our relationship. I asked him why he was treating me like that and why he thought I deserved to be treated in such a way. Finally after avoiding the question I just told him to tell me the truth. And boy did I get the truth...the truth was he didn't want to be in a relationship, he didn't want the "Drama", and he didn't want me to be his one. Fine. I finally got the honesty I deserved but was still upset at the fact that he could have told me all this when he knew it instead of leading me on. Letting me think that he really wanted to be with me. Letting me believe that me and him could actually be happy together. Yeah, I said things out of fustration and I could've said them in a more loving way but I still meant ever word. I really hope he takes the time to think about it. Anyway we argued for a while and finally I surrendered to the fact that no matter what I said to him it wouldn't make a difference. He's wall is so high and thick that nothing could get through. He made up his mind up about me a long time ago. And I was foolish to believe anything otherwise. For as long as I've know him, it's always been this way. As soon as we start to get close he always pulls away. Not just once or twice but several occasions. And he assured me just a couple weeks before this that that wouldn't be the case this time. Gullible me, I believed him. I wanted to believe it so badly that I went against my better judgement. That's the way it's always been and the that's the way I've always felt. I always wondered why would he chose me? What made me so special that he would even consider making all these plans with me? He'll never tell me and I'll never know. On top of that he compared me to the other "one" in his life. The real one. The one that's not me and I will never be. I deserve better anyway. I deserve a guy that want to please me as much as I can please him. I deserve a guy that is honest and truthful. I deserve a guy that makes ME feel special. I only ask for what I am already willing to give and do.

And I don't mean to blame him for everything. It's not his fault. It's not his fault at all. It's mine for wanting somethig so badly. Everytime I think that life couldn't get any better in my love life, the tide does a 180 and I'm always back where I started. Alone. And I don't know why I could ever begin to believe that he would change and treat me differently. He's always been selfish. It's like I was suppose to just be there to serve him. I gave him massages and told him how I felt. I was happy. I did everything he asked. But when it came to me asking him for something it was almost like pulling teeth. That's the way it's always been. It's always been about what I was willing to do for him and for me not want anything in return.

We endend the night in a good way I suppose. And the next day I left early back to D.C. And I must say I've been feeling like crap all day. I suppose those are the breaks. I knew better than to open my heart up again. But I did it anyway. Today he even had the audacity to blow me off! Nice. Anyway. Such is my life and I'm still alive. God still continues to bless me and it happened this way for a reason. I'm still going to miss him and I'm still going to love him but I am praying that I never let myself be that nieve again. I just gotta keep on going and get my life together.
I must say though...I've thought strongly about being a lesbian and now I'm highly considering it. *shugs*
What to do...what to do...

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