"The world is filled with pimps and ho's. We'll just talk about those I know.."
"...The world is mine, can't you see. I'm just trying to be all I can be"

Indigenous Rocks Indigenous is comming to town on Wednesday and I wanna go so badly! I luv luv luv me some indigenous. It would have even been better if I could have went with a certain someone. I know he likes Indigenous too...but c'est la vie. 5 more days to go until my sister is hitched off. Peter better have all his ponies ready. They better not be Shetlands either! LOL One more day until my crazy mother gets here. I can't wait. more l8rs

Just a few quick thoughts to say. My sister is getting married in 6 more days! The world is going mad. My mother is going to be here on Wednesday and tentatively my ex-boyfriend is comming up to be in my sisters wedding playing the flute. That'll be fun. My dress is fixed, I need to get some shoes, find a hair dresser, right a speech, and be a stand for a transformed world at the same time. Whew! It's good to be me. Luv you,

Spring

Jen's wedding page

a couple creek words.

a few seminole words.

meow

Well here it is...Wednesday. I've had a lot to think about these past couple day and I've come to the realization that I as much as I want to blame my ex-boyfriend for reasons we broke up, I know that I am just as much to blame. I thought about editing the previous entry because of it's bias but instead I will just publicly apologize to him and the rest of the universe. Philip, I am sorry for being a selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, jerk last week. I want you to know that I did mean all that I said to you but I should have told in a more loving way. I am a human and I do make mistakes. I'm sorry for not letting you be a human as well. I'm sorry for putting your things about your personal life on the internet. It was rude of me to do and I will never do it again. I apolgize for not being honest with you and I want you to know that I forgive you not being honest with me. I know you care about me and would never intentionally try to hurt me. I love you and all I want is for you to be happy. So that's all I'll say for now. I'm writing you a new letter that you'll be getting in a couple days along with the other letters you didn't get, your pictures and whatever else. Please read them. That's my public apology.

Well this week's been an up and down rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like my best friend died today. I guess a small part of me died today. I went to New York this on Thursday to see Mr. Man. And I was excited. I was finally going to see the guy I've been craving for 3 years in his own environment. It was suppose to be a great week ending. But unfortunately for me, it turned out to be very...sad. Thursday was fine. He was waiting for me at the airport and my heart skipped a beat. And we proceeded to have a great night. We ate at La Nova's which according to him is the home of the best pizza ever. I tried it out and yeah, it was the best pizza I ever had. Then we went back to the place we were staying and went to sleep. (Yeah, no funny business, I swear!) We could have but we had already discussed the merits of being celibate so we didn't. We got close and if I knew that was going to be my last chance ever, I would have chosen differently. The next day wasn't as great. Everything started out okay but ended up being the beginning of the end. His lunch hour got messed up and we rushed around to get some business taken care of and he didn't get to do what he really wanted at lunch time. So then when he got off of work and came back to see me he was pretty tired and fustrated. I was hungry because I hadn't eaten all day. I asked if I could borrow his car to get something to eat and he refused saying that He didn't let anyone borrow his car for any reason. Fine. So I jokingly suggested that I walk and he said immediately said it was probably best for me anyway. (Whatever!) I don't know Buffalo. I don't know where I'm going and there are no sidewalks from where we were staying. At that point I was really insulted and went walking anyway. I walked for a while, getting more angry with every step. After I got something I started back. When I got back I was still pretty upset but thought I could just sleep it off. It's easy to make things seem petty things when the person you want to be with is cuddling next to you. So for a short time I let it go. Then what seemed abrupt to me he got up and started watching tv. It was like all of a sudden he tuned me out. And made me even more upset because here I am, I flew all this way just so I could watch him watch TV? I don't think so. I let it build up because I didn't know what to think. I already knew something was wrong so finally I told him to turn off the tv so we could talk about our relationship. I asked him why he was treating me like that and why he thought I deserved to be treated in such a way. Finally after avoiding the question I just told him to tell me the truth. And boy did I get the truth...the truth was he didn't want to be in a relationship, he didn't want the "Drama", and he didn't want me to be his one. Fine. I finally got the honesty I deserved but was still upset at the fact that he could have told me all this when he knew it instead of leading me on. Letting me think that he really wanted to be with me. Letting me believe that me and him could actually be happy together. Yeah, I said things out of fustration and I could've said them in a more loving way but I still meant ever word. I really hope he takes the time to think about it. Anyway we argued for a while and finally I surrendered to the fact that no matter what I said to him it wouldn't make a difference. He's wall is so high and thick that nothing could get through. He made up his mind up about me a long time ago. And I was foolish to believe anything otherwise. For as long as I've know him, it's always been this way. As soon as we start to get close he always pulls away. Not just once or twice but several occasions. And he assured me just a couple weeks before this that that wouldn't be the case this time. Gullible me, I believed him. I wanted to believe it so badly that I went against my better judgement. That's the way it's always been and the that's the way I've always felt. I always wondered why would he chose me? What made me so special that he would even consider making all these plans with me? He'll never tell me and I'll never know. On top of that he compared me to the other "one" in his life. The real one. The one that's not me and I will never be. I deserve better anyway. I deserve a guy that want to please me as much as I can please him. I deserve a guy that is honest and truthful. I deserve a guy that makes ME feel special. I only ask for what I am already willing to give and do.

And I don't mean to blame him for everything. It's not his fault. It's not his fault at all. It's mine for wanting somethig so badly. Everytime I think that life couldn't get any better in my love life, the tide does a 180 and I'm always back where I started. Alone. And I don't know why I could ever begin to believe that he would change and treat me differently. He's always been selfish. It's like I was suppose to just be there to serve him. I gave him massages and told him how I felt. I was happy. I did everything he asked. But when it came to me asking him for something it was almost like pulling teeth. That's the way it's always been. It's always been about what I was willing to do for him and for me not want anything in return.

We endend the night in a good way I suppose. And the next day I left early back to D.C. And I must say I've been feeling like crap all day. I suppose those are the breaks. I knew better than to open my heart up again. But I did it anyway. Today he even had the audacity to blow me off! Nice. Anyway. Such is my life and I'm still alive. God still continues to bless me and it happened this way for a reason. I'm still going to miss him and I'm still going to love him but I am praying that I never let myself be that nieve again. I just gotta keep on going and get my life together.
I must say though...I've thought strongly about being a lesbian and now I'm highly considering it. *shugs*
What to do...what to do...

At least I said hello in May....hmmm...that was nice of me.... LOL

Anyways, it's the beginning of June. I can't believe it. In exactly 19 more days my sister will be married. And in exactly 4 months she''l be having a baby girl. I can't wait for this girl to come. I can't wait to meet her.
As for everything else in my life. The man of my dreams hasn't called me yet and I am wondering what the heck is going on. (Where you at Mr. Man?) He's comming to see me for sure at the end of the month but I was thinking about going to see him this weekend BUT since he hasn't called I haven't been able to get my ticket AND If I don't get it by tomorrow then I may not be comming at all. Did you get my message that I left on your machine on Sunday? I know you read this so you better smarten up and call!!! he he he... J/K Really though call me.

Other than that life is peachy keen. I love it and I can't imagine being more happier to be alive. I am truely blessed.

Peace out for now