Sunday, April 20

Oh yeah, I'm a dope feen if I EVER thought my dad would find the time to fix the computer. Obviously, he hasn't because I am at my sisters yet again writing in my little diary here. I think the I'll do as much as I can and then if I can't get to all the crap that's a happened to me I promise I will someday. For now I'll just work from today backwards that way, at least you'll know what I am thinking right now as opposed to say a week ago. So yeah, here it goes. Today is easter and I can't wait to get up and see the look on my nephew's face when he see's what the easter bunny has brought him. I think if I am really honest with myself, Easter was always my favorite holiday. It's sorta the same as Christmas. Having to do with Jesus and everything, and it's the excitement of waking up in the morning to see what's in your basket and what a pretty dress you get to wear. With the little shoes with the buckle. And the hat and gloves. Ah yes, those were the days. That's one thing that my mom did well was Easter. And I'll always love her for that. (sigh)
I suppose the big news before this was that my sister is going to have another child. I'm going to be an auntie again. I'm so excited. That's the best part about having a sister. I don't have to give up the grandkids just yet. Kelli's already got it taken care of. I just gotta sit back and enjoy the fruits of her labor...I hope that its a girl. God help us if it is and it's like her mom. But all the same I will be beyond thrilled if it's a girl. I can't wait. I've already scoped out all the things I wanna buy her and what I would like her name to be. But kelli doesn't really appriciate my style so we'll just have to wait and see. The news before that, which is a real funny story, is Kelli's Bridal Shower. It was fun and funny because it's the first and only secret I have ever been able to keep from Kelli. And she was so surprised when she walked through the door and there are all these people yelling surprise to her. We told her it was a shower for he fiance's cousin so she was confused and bewildered. She thought we wasted the good surprise on her. Silly rabbit. It was hillarious. And this was all before we knew about the baby. We had the shower on Sunday and found out about the baby on Monday. Nobody had any idea that she was pregnant. Not even her. The only reason she found out is because she went in for her 3 month depo shot and they told her she was pregnant. She wasn't trying to get pregnant either. It's just that the shot obviously worked. It was joyful and crazy because all my fantasies about a KraZy bachlorette party went out the window. And I don't even want to think about her wedding dress. Ugh! The funny party about finding out was at the shower she had to pee like every 5 minutes. We all just thought that she was becoming an old lady. Turns out it was just a 3 and 1/2 month old fetus....
hmmm....imagine that.
The exciting thing that happened to me before this was exactly a week before when a certain someone came to visit me. And this certain someone I've known for a while now. I was really excited for this person to come because I hadn't see this person in a long time. Obviously, it's a guy so I don't have to say person. It's a guy I know. Anyway, I have craved this guy for a long time and we finally got the chance to spend time together. I was extatic and nervous at the same time because as much as we talk, we never talk about us. Or our relationship. Never. Ever. We just flirt and sometimes talk seriously but never about us. Which was weird. For as long as I've known this guy I've put him up on a pedestal. I've made him more to me than he actually is and in the process I've given him alot that he's never really deserved. And since having my heart broken less than a year ago I've been extra careful not to give soul or my heart away so freely. Yet no matter what I've always given this guy a trust that he's never really earned. And I wasn't totally honest with myself when I agreed to let him comes see me. It was alot of things I didn't do and alot of things that he didn't do that led to the demise of what should've been an incredible weekend. It should've been fun (which the majority of it was) but then it was alot of things it never should've been and that was just awkward. The main thing that I understood to be true in his coming was that he was just my friend. Not my boyfriend. And I know that. But somewhere along the way he's gotten the impression that I'm this complete seductress and that I was going to molest him the moment he got off the plane. Maybe that's not really what he thought but that's the way he acted the whole weekend. And I on the other hand, acted on my semi-best behaviour. I was not going to make a move mainly because of this person's personal beliefs. I was under the impression that he wasn't that kind of guy. Which I'm sure he'd like to think but.... Anyway, so I didn't make any moves. In retrospect, I probably should have done all the things I really wanted to do because the end result would be the same and I would have at least gotten what I wanted. Not that's even what I really wanted from him because it isn't. But since it seems that that's all he was really expecting from me then the weekend would've been alot better for the both of us. I wouldn't have tried to get to know him personally and really if I know that all he really wanted then I wouldn't have asked him to come at all. Things that make me mad about the whole thing is that I asked all the questions about him. I asked the get to know you again questions. Did he ask any questions about me? No. Did he try to get to know me? No. I tried to make him as comfortable as possible, be hospitable, and make sure he was satisfied with his trip. The majoritiy of the time I got what ever you want to do's and If you want to's. It sucked and was bummy. From now on I vow to never let a guy be in charge of my excitement. I vow to say what I want and do it. I don't want to be selfish but hey I'm single and I like being single. I did for a second consider trying to be in another realtionship with him but I know now I can't do it. Why? Top answer being why be intrested in someone whose not intrested in you. I'll always love him for the person he is and I'd never ask him to change just from em because he wouldn't be the person I came to know and love. and because I've been through too much in the past year to put up with some one else's bad self-image of themselves. I swear, he's the most gorgeous native man I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and he acts like he thinks he's ugly. Or that he's not a good person. Or something to that effect. It's just a feeling I have. I could be wrong but that's just what I gather from the situation. I have to get over my own demons first before I can even think about moving into the realm of coupledom again. Y'know I went to a palm reader the other day and she actually told me that I was still in-love with my ex. I was like OMG. I so hope that's not true. I will say yes, to a point I am still in love with my ex. But I will happily blame it on the fact that he is the first guy to actually break my heart and actually the first guy to break up with me. Which really threw me for a loop. I'll talk about that another day. For now, I am just relishing in the fact that I will probably never hear from the guy again because A) he's afraid to fall in love with a sinner like me. B) He just used me, in which case I can easily get over C)He's just a jerk and doesn't want to deal with my feelings or D) He's just not mature enough to be in a realtionship. or E) all of the above. Which brings me back to a quote that I heard once on sex in the city. "Good looking guys aren't great in bed because they never had to be" I will say this is my main theory on why this guy doesn't know how to be in a realtionship. Because he's never had to be good at it being in one. All he's ever had to do (In my case anyway) is look pretty and say the occasional thing to lead me on because that's all I asked of him. Just lead me on. Like my love is worth nothing compared to his. Which is bull. I know how to love someone. And when I do fall in love next time it's going to be with someone who understands me and cares what I think. Someone that wants to know as much about me as I do him. Someone who as in to giving as recieving. Because that's the way that I am. I will not change for anyone again. I suppose my major mistake was just not being me that weekend. I quit smoking, I didn't drink, I didn't go to the club like I wanted to, and I acutally went to bed at a decent hour. All of those things that weren't normally me. I don't resent him for it because he never asked me not to do those things. (Except smoke) So from now I will strive to be what you see is what you get. A beautiful Native woman that smokes, swears, drinks occasionally and loves to dance. That isn't so bad and doesn't make me a bad person, and I resent the fact that I ever let myself believe that I was inadequate somehow. I know I am perfect the way that I am. I deserve unconditional love. Enough of the rambling and bad spelling. I'm off to sleep. Later.

No comments: