Here I am. Still living and still alive. Grand for me. I keep going around in circles trying to figure out why I want to f-up my life so badly. With everything that I've been through and all the things that I've done in the past couple months. Why don't I want to be happier? I've put my self in danger many times and in the processes of trying to be right about being a worthless f-up I even put my friend in danger as well. She is fine. There is a live no physical or emotional harm done. Everything turned out okay. But when I think of all the things that could have happened to her...........

Who the f*ck am I to be so selfish and stupid. People trust me with they're most precious possesions and I just take it so much for granted. It's completely amazing to me that every opportunity that I have taken I have managed to make it ugly. Why? So that I can continue to be right about being a screw up. Human's loving being right. I love being right. And it just so happens that I am good at being right about this. So either I can stop it now and actually take action in doing something with my life. Or I can continue making small "efforts" so that nobody notices I'm not really doing anything.....

Maybe that's not entirely true. I do do somethings. I go to work. I really do make efforts. I'm not entirely selfish. Thing aren't exactly going to get better for me if I don't start stepping up thought. I need to follow throughwithwhat I said I was going to follow through with I say I am going to do. I need to take it one day a time. I need to not dwell in my feelings about what sh*tty person I am. I need to love myself as if this were the last day I have to give. It hurts and it's sad to love but what makes love great is that it's also joyful and awesome to love and be loved.