I am...whatever you say I am...

"If I wasn't then why would you say I am?" ~ Eminem...


Tonite was just one of those nights. One of those nights you're not really interested in having...but having the memory of one person is worth enduring all else...

I love my sister to death...that's all I'll say. That and I'm truely happy and proud that she landed a fucking kick ass job. WTG, my love.

For the rest of the people involved with tonite. Thank you. I truely had a lovely night. Cassie was awesome...Doofie...you're a fabulous dancer...you just don't know it yet...and Shannon...a class all her own...

And for the hour and a half conversation I had with my (future) husband...It was great my love. I miss you soo fucking much it makes my heart sick but at the same time so joyous that I even have someone to love and miss that much. I know it's a miricle that people should love and want another as we do...but I cherish and am humbled and grateful to be so blessed.

You're the best, you're the best, you're the best. I wanna say sorry for the tears but I'm not...You're heart should be physically next to mine always. I'll accept that it is here spiritually and be content. I pray I'll always get that nicotine like rush of adreniline rush I get when you utter those 3 perfect words to me.

I love you.

Randoms

[Shameless website plug?...I think so...]

Even though it's not finished yet...

And jury Duty blows ass, can I just tell you that...

21 more days til I make the big move...

Went to the carival last night and had a blast.

This picture rocks my face:



I should be in bed but I'm not.

Krispy Kreme for breakfast me thinks...

My inner child...

I just had a very eye opening conversation with my father regarding a certain part of me that is buried so deep I’ve become numb to it. Something that’s been a pain and affects my life so that it keeps me overweight, it keeps me in debt, it keeps me from achieving or even striving for my dream and it keeps me from expanding my already awesome life. Basically what it all boils down to is that I’m not worthy or more specifically, I am not a worthy person. It’s what kept me from Leslie so long that if it wasn’t for him knowing better and looking deeper than the front I was putting up, I would still be wandering lost doing nothing.

I think I’m not worthy. Something very deep inside believes without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to have money. I’m not worthy to be fit, I wasn’t worthy of Leslie, I’m not worthy of affecting native children’s lives in a way that changed the world. I’ve become an expert at being numb to my pain. I do have moment thats I enjoy and I enjoy in spite of myself but it all seems to be short lived because this belief creeps upon me and plays on all my fears. I start to think to myself I don’t deserve it so I should stop being happy I got it.

Why?

Because sometime a long time ago someone told that little child inside me that he* wasn’t worthy and he wouldn’t amount to anything. He is the one that keeps me from accepting most of reality cause I am forever catering to his bruised ego. He’s also kept me going and without him I wouldn’t be here today. But that’s a wound that I need to heal and quickly before I start another cycle in my new life with Leslie. (*Yes my inner child is a boy hence two-spirited)

I don’t have an immediate resolution to this revelation but I thought I would lay it down so I can come up with a solution. If I don’t then I’ll continue to ignore it and perpetuate this seemingly never ending cycle on my future husband and our kid(s). And right now they mean more to me than holding on to this negativity...

Something.

On very mini-haitus...

I got picked for Jury Duty...whoopty do...5 business days and however long we deliberate...fun fun fun...bleh...



basically up the creek without a paddle til then...good times.