One foot in front of the other...it will all work out. That's faith.

These past couple weeks have been hectic.  Crazy even...So much is happened so I'll try to condense it to the thoughts in my jumbled brain.

Recently, I went a little shop happy getting things I NEED and a few things I don't. (Causing a huge dent in my bank account I thought I could live with)  I bought myself a new purse and some much deserved clothes.  I got myself a new girly haircut and I wore a dress to work the other day. 



I've decided take more steps to look like the woman I know I can be.  Being more of BANE's woman rather than his androgenous partner.  My mommy gave me a target gift card for $25 dollars for my birthday and I used it to buy some make up brushes  I heard they were better than MAC.  And I miss wearing make-up. 

And all this is hella girly for me...but in the end...its paying off royally.  In my small effort to do these things...Bane has been a little more attentive and very forethcoming with the compliments.  Which my Aries ego LOVES LOVES LOVES.  A lot more loving glances, a lot more light touches here and there and holding hands...alot more special kisses for no reason...physcial adoration of my "assests"...and there's no need for me to stress the rest (which is better than fantastical lately, haha).  I'm doing better self-esteem wise and I've been feeling very pretty lately.



I just wish I could have bangin eyebrows.

Other than that there has been tons I've wanted to blog about but just never seemed to have the time to...I will this weekend though.  I've wanted to blog about my awesometastical experience when I did a sweat a few weeks ago.  Or the hella soul soothing family day at King's Dominion that was kick ass.  Or the true colors concert that my girl Lisa Lisa (who has a sexy new haircut) took me too.  Cyndi Lauper WAS FANTASIC!!!!!!!!  So was BETH DITTO.  I'm so in love with Beth DITTO....So much so that I will show you exactly how fat I am.


I love her!  And again..the concert was off the hook cuz my girl Margaret Cho killed.  Such is such of life.

These days...well today actually I am gearing up to drive 20 hours straight to Oklahoma just for one day with my WHOLE Okie Fam.  They get to meet my baby loverface and I get to be "home" for a few seconds.  That's going to be spectacular.  I can't wait.  I wish I could spend a few hours in Graceland since we're crusin through Memphis but I'll make Bane promise we'll go back.  I'm picking my daddy up after work and I'm getting off @ 2:30 to meet Bane at the metro.  I want to leave as soon a possible because the sooner we leave..the faster we'll get there and the sooner we get there...the more time I have to spend with my grammy and grampa. 

I love them.

So wish me luck, kittens.  A couple hours ago I didn't have funding for this trip but that's what faith is about...knowing without a doubt that if I put my mind to something it will work out..and I already know it has...I have the funding and the universe, Maheo or whatever you want to call it...has already taken care of me.  For some reason, I have JUST enough money in the bank to cover it.  How that happened...who knows...but I'm thankful. (Super thankful because that means hella SONICS eatin, yo!)  hahaha....

Such is such.

{05.10.07} - Gentle rain.

Posted Date: : May 10, 2007 9:46 PM

It's only fitting that the first rain I encounter...in my new home...be the most gentle rain I think I've ever experienced. A calming soothing rain that even calms the most visceral rage.  My rage.  My moments of unhappiness.

Ghey that sounds emo.

lol...doesn't make it any less true.  I'm edgy.  I'm tired...I'm at that point in the relationship where its put up or shut up...be gone or handle your "stuff".  I'm on day 10 of giving up smoking, although technically I cheated on day 5.  It wasn't a big deal.  But like Bane said...just the other day...we picked a fine time to finally quit. 

Yeah. 

I'm surprised it hasn't been too hard...and I even forget most of the time that I ever enjoyed it or convinced myself I needed it to calm down.  I don't feel like smoking so much...I just which the imaginary welbutrin I'm waiting for gets here...I'll feel...less edgy. 

I hate the way I'll be so fucking pissed at Bane for stupid shit like...

S:  "Hey, nig, that was a stop sign you just passed back there..." 
B:  "Oh really, I didn't notice."

I know he's only been driving for a few years now but god damn...sometimes I wonder.  And I continue to hate the way that I'll be trying to walk it off and he comes behind me...picks something up randomly...and he's like..."Funkymonkey".  And it really manages to be a stupid miniature monkey named Funky.  What the fuck...anger just disappears.  There's nothing to be angry for and I'm like fuck.  Well fuck...I guess I'm not mad anymore...you won sucka.  I haight chu...but not really because you fucking make me smile like no other....fucker.

Sometimes, I'm just so in-love with that fool/man/boy/child that I can't scarcely remember being mad at him only moments before.  Its facinating and ridiculous all in the same sentence.  I love him for being so innocent and perfect for me at times that I'm like ...WTF! Enjoy should enjoy it or die bitch!

 I'm working on getting back to the enjoying part.  I want to get back to the everyday is sunny and gay with Bane days.  And for the majority of life..it is.  I can say at least 90% . of our day is..honestly.   I'm just edgy.  Its getting better.  Bane is growing everyday and I am learning to enjoy everyday.  I enjoy the little things like our ghey ass kokopelli shower curtains and the fact that we don't have no meat but we have 3 different cases of soda in the fridge.  We have  cable and we're hella sad Lakisha got the boot on Wednesday.  I enjoy the fact that I've had sex everyday for the past couple days and its been the purest raw and passionate sex of my life...

Maybe I just need sex more...IDK...Don't they say that?  Don't they say that if women gave up the poontang there would be less war...I suppose being two spirited means that even though you're sick and can't give mama her medicine...then shit...I guess that means the testosterone inside of me becomes self righteous...

hahaha....not really...but maybe.

I digress.

Thank god its Friday.  Yes, I am listening to French music and its great.

Such is such.

Subject : {01.28.07} - I happily say...I took that pic a year ago.

Posted Date: : Jan 29, 2007 12:33 AM

"I gotta admit sometimes
I feel week for loving you the way I do
It's beyond me
I can't control it or force it to be,
you know, what I want it to be
I think about you so much
when I'm with you
and when I'm not
It's deep, the way,
 just looking in your eyes
 just changes my whole perspective
Nothing is more beautiful
 than loving you, holding you being next to you
Kissing your lips
taking my time with you
Nothing is more beautiful
than loving you Holding you being next to you
Moving my hips
Moving in time with you
Put of all the things in the world,
god gave us to each other
It's amazing
You are the king I always imagined
This is the best time of my life."
"Nothing (Interlude)" by Jill Scott


About 365 days ago and with every fiber in my being straining to contain an ego that was about the size of Alaska...I gave myself a gift and quite possibly the greatest gift I've ever come to know in this lifetime. I gave myself the gift of possibility.  Possibility that only months before I could never fathom.  A possibility that I thought I had safely stashed away for a more "appropriate time".  This day about a year ago...I let myself be the possibility of being freedom and joy.  The possibility of being laughter and inspiration.  The possibility of being incredible and beautiful all into one.  I gave myself the gift of being  love...again.

I say this because at that time, I debated about the appropriateness of the timing and the readyness of my heart that had only recently begun to heal. I debated whether it would be in bad taste or even fair considering what I had only just let go of.  Plus, I was just plain scared to death at even considering giving my time and putting energy and understanding and effort into another person. 

It was never my intention to fall in love with Bane.  Hell, before we even met I had known of him because he added me on myspace sometime back.  I didn't make it a point to become bffl with him because back then I had about 5,000 plus Joigazm admirers.  I commented him and he would comment me back.  Nothing spec-tac.   I think what really got us talking was me responding to a what would you say if you woke up next to me tomorrow bulletin.  I said something the fact that its about time and then we started just...talking.  I noticed he lived close by and he was a native so I started nagging him to come meet me. It was ghey because I actually asked him if it would be weird to give him my number.  That always cracks me up because I have never volunteered my number so freely to what was seemingly a stranger....and a stranger that lived in the area to boot.  (I had a stalker once and it wasn't great) Being the shy guy he is I started giving up hope...

I suppose the only reason I wanted to meet him so much is because he never approached me with anything but respect.  He was never like I wanna sex you up and he was such a sweetheart.  Plus, I admit, the badboy image was a huge turn on but never my focus.  My focus was just trying to find new friends.  New people to put in my life.  A new partner in crime if you will.  I just wanted new friends but at the time...which just happened to be new years....my resolve was to give women priority in my life. 

When we did meet we were both nervous as hell even though it was only a friendly event.  Thinking about it always makes me smile when I remember seeing this tall skinny white boy waiting for me to arrive.  I did and the rest of the night consisted of conversation that I adored like no other.  The rest of the night went slowly but much to my gratitude.  He was a regular joe.  Just like me.  Talented and above average...but he was a take life as it kind of guy buddist/taoist values.  Huge plus.  ;)   The night we met is what we contribute to the actual  anniversary.  Its the day our lives changed for the better.  But for all intents and purposes...it was today that we let go of our demons and said yes to letting ourselves get the shit kicked out of us by love. 

Making that decision was hard.  The only thing that resuonded in my mind when I began to struggle with acutally letting Bane into my heart was love like you've never been hurt before. The decision was hard on so many levels and hard because of so many reasons.  Reasons that have escaped me now. 

I made the decision conciously and when I did it I didn't even ask if he wanted me.  I just said hey guess what...I'm yours.  And in turn...he did the same...we both did..freely and happily and both cried like little bitches the whole while...but we did it.  And then the next day he moved in. LMAO. 

My life with Bane this past year has been one of the greatest times in my life.  It forced me to grow up.  It challenged me aim higher.  It made me make miricles happen...and you know what...I wouldn't change a damn thing about anything that's happened between us because we can say without blinking....that we are still happily and crazy in love.  :D  He still gives me butterflies.  It still amazes me to see this gorgeous, delicious, and succulant (Yes, Mariana I said succulant) man in my bed every morning.  And he tells me everyday..that he loves me. Plus, what woman can't appricate and love a man with the biggest and most beautiful penis hazel greey eyes I've ever had the joy to gaze on.  Its They're amazing.

So there you go....my Bane story.  I love this kid like no other...and I'll love this kids....til the day I die.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe

Subject : {01.19.07} - I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe

Posted Date: : Jan 19, 2007 1:55 PM

Happy Birthday, Edgar Allan Poe!
Its quite fitting that today is his birthday considering that last night during our pillow talk session his name happened to be notably mentioned.  I'm always completely amused at what we talk about sometimes before we go to sleep.  We had a very enjoyable conversation about who the coolest mother fucker ever to walk the earth was…Vincent Price or Marlon Brando and for the life of me I don't even know why I put Brando up against Price…it was the only semi-cool person I could think of at the moment.  After it was said it became apparent that it wasn't even a real question.  Of course, Vincent Price is THEE coolest mother fucker to ever walk the earth hands down.  No one has even come close to living a life that was as elegant, regal, dark and amusing as his.  He simply was and is the epitome of cool. 
Then of course, Poe was mentioned because you can't mention Price without mention of Poe.  Edgar Allan Poe was a lot of things.  A lot of things I could mention to make myself seem smart but I won't.  I'll just say he is the first and the only one to actually scare the shit out of me in a short story.  Tell-Tale Heart is the only story that I completely adore like no other. (Save for the Velveteen Rabbit which is my all time favorite)   Of course I love Poe for all the conventional things but I readily admit that I would like to actually sit down and read the unabridged version of Poe's works that just happens to be laying on our little media center we have goin on.  So yeah…that's my little blurb about Poe.
I miss reading.  I haven't sat down and actually read a good book in over a year and a half.  I think the last book I read that kept me on the edge of my seat was Angels and Demons (which I need to buy again).  I read some of Dan Brown's other stuff but none of it really compares.  I need new authors I want to enjoy reading again.  Now that I have the time…since Bane and I are "scrapping by" these days…barf.   I deplore the term "scrapping by".  The only reason I mention it is because I was trying to have an empowering conversation yesterday with my dad about how balancing my check book and stuff is working out swimmingly and how by the end of next month we'll have probably the biggest surplus of money that we've earned ever.  Which will continue to only grow if we're careful and conscience of how and what we spend.  For some reason when I was explaining to him that although we have to be super careful this month he stopped listening and proceeded to give me this story about how he did it.
He proceeded to explain to me that I/We needed to scrap by for a few years and that it is only at his age finally that he can spend money on such frivolous things as the movies, etc etc etc….I was like…um…hello…did you hear me?  I said by the end of February I'll have 1,000 dollar surplus and if we're conscious and don't go buck wild it will only continue to grow.  That's 1,000 dollars AFTER ALL our bills are paid on time AND living expenses.  I admit…my ego was a little crushed after he said that.  I mean…scrapping by just isn't in my vocabulary anymore and for an abundant person…it shouldn't be in anyone's.  I know it's because I don't believe in the idea of scrapping by that I truly have never had to.  I've lived the life of true abundance and that is to say that I was always provided what I needed…and if there was something that I truly wanted…some how I managed to manifest it.  This is all after I was introduced to what the true meaning of abundance was.  It wasn't easy at first…it never is…and when you are truly trying to put something into action there will be obstacles to challenge your resolve…but once you've truly gotten through the trials of true faith in the idea of abundance…abundance being that there IS enough for everyone on this earth and more…then it just comes naturally…it truly does. 
I'm still learning…I'm not a master…but I'm getting there.  And I know the only reason it hurt is because my father is my father and I have it somewhere that if he doesn't believe I can do it…then I don't give my 100%.  Basically, if my dad says it isn't possible…the maybe it really isn't.  I know I need to get rid of this thought process…but I'm still learning…we both are.  It also hurt a little more that when I was laughing at myself for getting hurt…and relaying the story to Bane…it was funny because Bane did the same thing.  Its like after he heard scrapping by he stopped listening and started going on about how we're going to have to scrap by for years and blah blah blah blah…that's when I stopped listening obviously.  That was disempowering…yet again.  Not in the same way but in the context that Bane is my equal partner…50/50.  And if he didn't believe in what we actually WERE accomplishing…we would probably end up scrapping by…and the fuck if I'm going to live the next couple years doing that shit.  Being aware and making choices is one thing…doing it because that's what we "have to do is another…fuck that.
Again…my ego was aroused and I went on a rant with tears and all about how my father and he were just alike and they both were way too damn practical for me.  And how I don't live my life in disempowering ideas because they scare the shit of me and then I threw myself on the bed and covered my head with a pillow.   After I threw my little "tissy" fit and after Bane was finished reprimanding me for being so childish.  He proceeded to apologize.  Apologizing because he got the reason behind what I was saying.  Its not that was I was saying was the truth…cuz its not…and not that my way is better…because its not…but that my ideas and my excitement about our money situation and the direction I know where going it didn't happen because I settled for scrapping by. 
If I did live in that mentality…we would probably be living with roommates or in a bad part of the city.  I would probably have to take a bus plus a metro to work. We wouldn't have a new car that gets paid for every month and we wouldn't have insurance on our car.  If I lived in that mentality we wouldn't have been able to take the random trips and crazy nights with our friends at the spur of the moment.  And if I lived in that mentality…I wouldn't have been able to travel as much as I did before we met or met half the people I've come to love in my life time. 
So…there it is.   Some girls do end up finding someone similar to their fathers.  I acknowledge that.  I acknowledge that I probably picked Bane because he's so open to ideas and like minded like my father but at the same time…I can challenge him in ways that I don't do naturally with my father.  And he challenges me.  I reach for the sky and Bane keeps us grounded.  I push the limits of our box and make it bigger he keeps us focused and fills our space.  The eagle and the lizard…what a pair.  Sometimes I may have to fly down to the tree so he can climb it and meet me half way…but that's quite alright with me.  :D *sings* That's fuckin team work…*/sings*
"It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream." – Edgar Allan Poe
Werd up, Hey.
Happy Birthday again, Mr. Poe.