And home again

Home

A child's morning laughter lingers soundly in the breeze.
Walking the careful path back home with gentleness and ease.
Do I know where I'm going? I suppose home is where I please.
Yet the word for home is empty cause I've seemed to lost my keys.

I can't help who I am right now though I know I can be more.
You've tapped my one insecurity and it pains me to the core.
Do I lay down and stay a victim? That's not what love is for.
My heart is at its strongest but how much more will it endure?

I can't help who I am right now though it's hard to be this weak.
I can't instantly give you answers or the happiness you seek.
I can no longer be a victim and pretend to be this meek.
I can only go on alone cause aggravation is all we speak.

I couldn't stand to love another. Even this I tried not to want.
I'm all the girl you needed but perhaps that was just a front.
I can't tell what I'm doing. My words are vague & blunt.
Maybe I fooled myself again and played an idiot savant.

Confusion is all that lingers. I don't know what I want for me.
Next to you is all I wanted and now that place I cannot be.
Does that mean that I give up, like I tend to easily?
Hell no. I'll just keep on going for one day, my love, you'll see.

I'll keep on trying harder so that you can never say I didn't do my best.
I'll continue to live my life for me so as to put your mind at rest.
Your challenge is for the better so I'll gladly accept this test.
So that when we look back at this time, it will just be all in jest.

My goals will come to fruition so that my soul I can appease
I'll continue to wear my ring and promise kept on bended knees.
So when a child's morning laughter still lingers in the breeze.
I can carefully walk back home with gentleness and ease.

How it feels to be "Home"....

I think my dad pretty much summed up my world when he posed the question...

”How does it feel to be home? Or whatever you call home these days...”

I can't really say that I know what home feels like anymore. I think I've come to that point where I've jaded myself out so much that in a very cynical type of way I wouldn't know what "home" felt like even if it slapped me in the face. I live a lot of places. And many more places I am always welcome. I have a couch in Wyoming that will always be available to rest my head on. Martin has my D.C. escape when I need to get away. I know I’m always welcome to live at my grandma’s in Oklahoma. And the Harjo’s are more than happy to give me their surrogate daughter a spare room if I’m ever in Texas. The list goes on…

I think of the things I used to call home and wonder to myself where that feeling went or why I let it go. I live a restless life. I never know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I think I do. And all my plans always sound really good. But in the mean time I’m lost cause none of it motivates me or moves me in such a way that I’m eager to get to that point or that place I would like to call home.

I dunno…I was just thinking about that today as I was brushing my niece’s hair. I call her my mini me cause she totally reminds me of me when I was her age. Just sitting in the chair and brushing out all the tangles out of her long Seminole hair after she just got out of the bath reminded me of the countless times my mom used to do that for me. As a little girl I remember thinking to myself…one day I’ll get to do that for my daughter. That’ll be me brushing my daughter’s long black hair only I won’t give my girls Chinese eyes…ha ha ha.

Tucking her in and fighting with her about going to be touched a part of me I haven’t felt in a while. A part of me that I tend to ignore and once thought I could completely do without because being single for so long softly dulled away that longing. I think I let that part of me go as well when I had a miscarriage and lost my son. Losing him was probably one of the worst pains I have ever felt and I never really knew how much I wanted him til I found out he was gone. I let that part of me go because I never wanted to have that experience again.

All things being what they are I know I’m still probably not ready for that time and place where I can get back to being at “Home”. For now I take my comforts in the little things I do get and the little times in life where I can pretend nothing else is more important. Like when I get to play with and take care of my nieces and nephews, my “kids”. Or when I lie next to my beloved and can do nothing else but breathe in his comforts and my adoration for him. Or when my daddy hugs me and I can feel the strength of his love so much I want to cry every time. It’s the little things in life.

I don’t know where this blog is going…just random thoughts for the day I suppose.

A change will do you good...

Good news/Bad news...

Good News...

My hair is getting longer! Yey!

Bad News...
I'm on my own again. Por que? Well lets just say alot of extra stuff outside of us got in the way. That & life just got the better of...I'll say me cause I can only be responsible for what I contributed to the relationship. Which in all honesty was nothing substantial...I'll just say there are only so many times a girl can be understanding before she finds herself alone. But those are the breaks I suppose. The prices we will happily pay to be with the ones we love.

Is it over over forever and ever..Hell no. My heart belongs to only one. But again...being only responsible for me. I have to be a little more established in life before I will choose to give up everything again to be in love. Which for me means paying people back for what they lent me over the past month...getting a real job or at least my old job back. And the grand plan of them all. Move to Seattle...and go to school. I'll write more about this later. But for now...that's just the World News Update.

Its funny. The number one reaction I get out of everyone when I tell them that for all intents and purposes...I'm alone again...people are like...Dang Spring, You were like a wild horse that no one could tame and then bam! Someone caught you and you claimed to have been tamed...

Maybe I just wasn't ready to be tamed and thats why it didn't work out. Maybe in the process of wanting to stand still, I figgited a little too much. Who knows. All I know is that, yes, everyone, I'm fine. Just cause I'm back to being miss independent doesn't mean that I stopped loving him or him me. Its just the breaks for this moment in time. He's still the one my heart belongs too. But my path still is going in a direction not quite parallel to his...

Maybe someday.

Fear is the path to the darkside...

So recently me and Leslie have come into reality. Our reality as a couple. My move here was made on a whim...Our whim...without any real plan or thought to unwanted consequences. So of course, our consequences hit us smack in our face. And as it were...with all our dreams coming into fruition...we have a set-back...Right now I'm jobless living with my mother...at first just for a visit...then it was to take care of her because she is sick...and now it is out of necessity...not just cause my mom is sick...but because our home is being renovated. How long will that take? I don't know. Could be a long while. And in the midst of all this...we've equally become stressed with other things such as job, money, and family and had inturn reverted to our independent reactions rather than reacting as a partnership. Why? Cause that's what we do. It has put more than a slight strain on our resolve. More so me cause the Aries in me loves the dramatic. The Pisces in him takes the quiet cool route keeping feelings and fears within so as not to burden the populus. In turn, I have recently brought up old feelings and fears to compensate over the silence. Which if you're trying to keep a relationship going strong, then you have to recognize and let go of the heavy baggage you're bringing into the new one. I admit it...I've gone through every fear I've ever had in past relationship and made them somewhat real in this one. Some of my concerns aren't unfounded mind you. He learned at an early age to never reveal a weaknesses. It makes him good at what he does as person and a fuckin mighty fine chess player I might add. So with this process, I've come to learn a very different side of him I wasn't quite accustomed to. I've fallen victim to that yucky co-dependant mode where I make up excuses for him and on top of that started being whiney. Which I hate. That obviously doesn't work. So I tried to take the quiet route and that doesn't work either. The more I was quiet, the more the fears would fester and grow.

As someone wise once said..."Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." (I had to...hahahaha...)

Life isn't always going to be perfect. But if you take a step back and remember why this is real in the first place...and examine why this unexpected and unwanted moment in your relationship is happening...It's easier to let go of the things that seem so intrusive and abrupt. I have one of the biggest egos in the world. But I'm also one of the biggest closet romantics...I'm not perfect by any means...letting go because things aren't going my way isn't the answer...and I tend to give up easily when things aren't handed to me or my weakness is shown too early. My relationship isn't a chess game I'm trying to beat him at...If one of us is winning, then who is losing? All I know is that for all the things I don't got that I would profoundly like to have at this moment...all I have to do is remember that one moment...that perfect moment...where the all the lights of vegas went unoticed...during a very needed cab ride in december...when the words were sung in silence with gestures...interpreted by the king himself...I couldn't help falling in love...That moment captured my heart forever...

Something...