And the world is new.

Reading my last blog really makes me wish that I would've blogged more during the military years. Most of those beginning blogs are dust in the wind now that myspace is gone but such is life.

For now, the mini update would be that I'm now a mother of two. A wife of six years to a disabled vet. I have an ornery dog and two cats.  We own a home in a provincial town just outside the boundaries of my reservation. I have a good job that pays me well to do what I've always done.  Its a pretty decent life and yet...I feel a sort of restlessness, I suppose.

Right now I'm binge watching Girls. Its taken over my spot where Sex and the City resided in my heart because its basically what my 20's were.  I was a twenty something selfish shit who didn't know shit about shit. A girl who didn't know where she was going or what the hell she was doing. It reminds me of shitty and not so shitty past lovers. All the times I was pretty sure I would never remember but thankfully I do. It reminds me of D.C. And my last years there. Jared and I's beginning. Which made me go through some old pictures and I came across this little gem.



I thought I looked super ugly but I remember thinking at the time that regardless of how I looked in that moment...I needed to take a pic of this moment. Where I was actually in love with my partner and even though we were poor. We had our studio apartment in downtown D.C. and life was grand. It just makes me a little grateful and sad all at the same time.  Now that I'm settled and starting my "forever" life, it makes me all the more anxious to accept that I'm going back to D.C. in 2 weeks.

I haven't been to D.C. since we moved away from Fort Bragg five years ago. My boss volunteered me for a much needed class at training headquarters in Virginia and it got approved and now I'm going. I'm slightly freaked about it and I don't know why. A week without my kids or my husband. A week on my own in a town that shape who I am. I don't know quite how to feel about it.  All I know is that it's a lot to process right now.

And episode 5 of Season 1 totally happened to me...but I'll have to write that in another blog. There is just some shit I have to get off my chest that I don't think I ever could here. But I digress. Anyway.   I'm back...and I hope to write at least one blog everyday. <3 We'll see how it goes....until then. Cheerio.
 

Its been a long time...again

I'm sitting here contemplating going to sleep...but trying to find reasons not to.

So I decided to write a blog! LOL

I had a productive day today.  I got up and got keh and me dressed on time.  Out the door on time...made it to the sitter's a little early so I deviated from routine and took my daughter to breakfast.  She had to bring her blankie into Dunkin Donuts with us...which I didn't even mind.  I ordered her some hash browns and juice...me...a caramel ice latte that was super delicious.  We just sat for a few and people watched. 

The we hopped back in the car because I still wanted to be at work "on time" and I dropped her off at Miss Chrissie's.  She walked in without much fuss...she loves her sitter and her kids for which I am completely and utterly grateful for...I am trying my best not to think about the last time I will drop her off...it hurts and makes this wet shit come out of my eyes.  lol

Ugh

Today at work my mission was to be completely productive...well really...my mission was to go around my ego and be productive anyway....I'm already starting to feel the push of not wanting to acknowledge that this impending move will be upon us soon enough.  60 days more or less.  My ego is showing up by distracting me as to avoid cleaning my desk and starting the winding down process of leaving OTSG better than when I found it.  Which believe me is no easy task.  LOL Because all of us are consistently busy and also because...I don't want it to be real.  It sucks and is a blessing I love my job.  I finally have a solid repoire with a stubborn co-worker that I appreciate...My bosses couldn't be more amazing and understanding...and I make great money for not being a college grad yet. 

So semi losing the productivity battle til lunch, my husband comes along to say hello.  He's having one of his worst days and only asks for my prayers of clarity.  I can feel the energy behind his words but I reassure him that whatever fuck up he may have committed...that his opportunity to fix it would come..and that having 9 months of not having his ego get in the way of our progress as a family has been absolutely amazing.  An ego push was bound to happen and that it was just a reminder of how letting his self-sabotage tendencies feels like.  This moment was just a stepping stone and our life is on track.  He got it because I meant it.

He also got me new boots because my other ones were a tad too small.  Its nice to be spoiled sometimes.

Feeling guilty for not being super productive I bid my love a good day and set off to find something to eat in this late hour of the afternoon.  I drove to fill up my gas tank and then I started back to work.  Not feeling to hungry I thought it would be unwise to not eat anything...so I drove past work slowly and went to panera. 

Frontega Chicken and Broccoli and Cheese soup.  Ate the sammich...saved the soup.

Back at work, I started busting ass doing the menial things I've been putting off...like organizing folders to be given to the analysts and making labels...processing payments...clearing off my desk...

no sooner did I get started that I noticed it was quitting time....

30 minutes after I could have left...I did leave...being productive gets addicting but I made myself stop because I really do just wanna hold my baby today. 

Zip to the sitter's and like always those chubby little arms raise in exclamation "MOMMY!"

How can anyone have a shitty day when coming home to that?

Get baby in the car and channel my iphone to play the latest installment of the mike o mera show...I'm addicted literally...laughing to those fools talk destresses me like no other...and am grateful for their banter.  It helps remind me life is too serious to take seriously. 

When my little podcast ends...I'm usually home and time to focus on feeding my little monster.  Lucky for me I have my broccoli and cheese soup.  Luckier still...she loves it and eats the whole bowl by herself.  Can't complain...its better than just a few of whatever else I would have cooked her. 

After dinner I get ready to watch my redbox...Date Movie...I don't have high expectations for it but I was pleasantly surprised and amused.  I did have some laugh out loud moments and dub it worthy of my dollar from the redbox...Keh did me the honor of just snuggling up in my arms and being still while we watched...she eventually went to sleep in my arms and was out by 8.  BRILLIANT!  When Date Movie was over my dad magically appeared just as I was plotting ways to get my redbox back before 9 pm...the golden hour in which my dollar rental becomes a two dollar rental. 

I made it with 7 minutes to spare and grabbed some milk to replenish Keya's supply.  Got home 10 minutes later and decided to watch Ip man 2 before I had to send it to my beloved overseas. I think I fell in love with the first one deeper, although this one was very decent. 

11 pm.

facebook around...myspace around...then I decide to write this note....

what was the point of all this diatribe?  Nothing....just wanted to write.

Hi. :) LOL

My life, my life, my life...in the sunshine! LOL

There truly is no place to start.

I'm a mother. 

I'm someone's food source, guidance, love, support, teacher, student, and best friend for the rest of their lives.

I'm someone's mother.

Tonite at 12:29 AM she will officially be 2 weeks old.  That two weeks has sped by so fast that I can hardly think of all the memories created in that short span of time.

My daughter, Keya Rilee Anson has completely changed my life for the better.  She's humbled me.  She's softened me.  She's made me a more patient and loving person. 

Keya's ACTUAL birth was a piece of cake.  The epidual kicked in immediately and after that I couldn't feel the contractions that were off the scale anymore.  I went through 2 days of CRAZY pain because my cervix would NOT dialte more than 1 cm.  I went to the hospital twice and even though the contractions were crazy painful (I could compare them to other moms to be in the hospital and theirs were NO WHERE NEAR what mine were.  Not trying to brag but you can ask my sister.)  And what made it worse is nothing could be done til I dialated to a 3 AT least. 

I guess it was all heighted due to the fact that my little one was already late, she decided she wanted to be a taurus, my grandma/namesake made the journey back to the creator, and dealing with Army issues and Jared and just trying to keep focused so I didn't kirk out.  That was all just the week Keh was late. 

So compared to THAT.  Keh's actual birth...the whole hour it took to really push her out...was a piece of cake.  I will even go as far to say the contractions/urge to push...whilst they appeared painful...where actually incredibly enjoyable.  Yes, Miss Neta...Orgasmic birth is possible...with working epidural. LOL.

The only really annoying part about it was people telling me to push harder.  Um...yeah...I PUSHED HARD AS POSSIBLE EVERYTIME.  Weirdos.

Another great part was Jared.  For someone who "Didn't no nuthin bout birthin no babies", he was the perfect coach.  My love held my hand and gave me positive and loving reinforcement every step of the way.  He showed up and was at his best and with him in one hand and my best friend/sister in the other...We welcomed keya to a world surrounded by love.  Her first breath was witnessed by those who love her the most.  And yes, her daddy did cut the cord.  LOL He did it like a champ. LOL.

Speaking of which...I truly believe that Keya waited for her dad to be there.  Within an hour of him showing up...he had time to mingle with our friends that sat in the waiting room for our miracle to appear and then time to go to work helping mommy.  My little turtle is every intuative and is a great manifester.  She'll never do what she doesn't want to do...stubborn taurus...but if you explain things to her...she'll do what is asked of her.  I can go into detail later but that's like a whole blog in itself. 

So it is...Keya Rilee Anson made her appearance in the world two weeks ago tonite.  She was 7 lbs 14 oz and when RE-measured...she was 21 inches long. It was funny to me because when they took her to be cleaned I was like (to jared) baby our daughter needs you.  He kissed me on the forehead and talked her through what was going on.  My sister took pics...and I got to think...and pray.  I just thanked the creator for that first breath.  I thanked him for a great birth.  And I just was thankful to him...and my grandmother for keeping us all safe that night. 

Right after Keya was born, my sister and my father had to dash home to get ready to go back to Oklahoma for the funeral.  They puposely held it back so that Kelli and my dad (who didn't want to miss his latest grandchild's birth) could be at Keya's first day.  My dad and Kelli were on a plane hours later.  Jared drove my dad home and I got to spend a few moments alone with Keya.  It was like a perfect dream.  She has my nose.  She has daddy's hands and feet. LOL.  She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.  And even though its STILL sinking in that I'm actually someone's mom...thinking about life without her ever is unfathomable. She's our little slice of heaven.  I can't wait for y'all to meet her.

And I especially can't wait for Keya to meet her bffs...Aiyana and Maya.  (Why does that somehow sound ghey?) Ya ya ya.  LOL

Brand New Dey.

One day its here...next day its gone. Well I suppose I'll enjoy it for now. Lately at work when I have nothing to preoccupy myself, I've been hanging around CurvyChick.com. Its not bad. Its like myspace for the plus-size diva. The good thing about it is I only have to be myself around them...the bad thing about it is some of the ladies are a little too big for their britches...metaphorically speaking of course. I'm sure that's just women in general but some women just tick me off with their self-loathing and bitching about things that are trivial. I know I bitch about things that in the grand scheme are trival but these guys...idk. I dunno. I need to stop being so judgmental. I've made a friend or two. So I guess I'll shut up about it for now.

What else...My brain is off as usual. I'll write more laters. ;)

Hey again...

I guess they decided to give us a reprieve on blogger at work. Too bad I'm tapped out intellectually. I'm tired. Pooped. Drained. But I'll get over it. I need more sleep. Depression=Insominia=Zombie=more depression. But hey! At least I got my flu shot today! :)

Gheeeey.

Bane started work today and as excited as I should be...I'm holding my breath. Its finally a steady job. A steady pay check. No more of this I might lose my job tomorrow bullshit. Its steady work and steady pay at a very decent wage. Plus, he'll finally have health benefits. FINALLY. I'm happy. But like I said...I'm still holding my breath. I shouldn't...but things with that boy have always been volatile.....blah blah blah...sore subject. I love him and his love for me is unparallel. His in ability to be responsible for himself as well as others irks the shit out of me. Its not that he's not caring...its that he was taught to look out only for yourself. Which doesn't fall in line with the code of family first...

Blah blah...I'll stop. He's trying...he's finally got a steady job. Things will be gianormously better. The have to be. Now if i can only get my life in order...I'll be set for life. Something.

Romantical

So last week I sent a bulletin out regarding the beginning of my romantical night with Bane.  Dude, I almost cried when I opened the door but I ended up giggling like the hottest guy in high school said hi to me.  That boy is amazing x a million.  Posted up against the wall with a tight white t-shirt tucked into some very fit jeans...his thumbs tucked just under a big shiny belt buckle...he smiled up at me with his head cocked to the side and looked from under his staw cowboy hat.  Jesse Katsopolis saying "Have mercy" sprang to mind as I turned to shut and lock the door.  Gawd, I couldn't stop giggling like a school girl.  I don't think anyone has ever affected me the way he does in that outfit. 

He then with gentle force he grabbed me by the waist and gave me an open mouth kiss to die for...literally...to die for...because I melted right then and there.  I felt like I had died and gone to heaven for sure when the smell of his new cologne registered in my nasal passages.  That new scent is BEAST! (C.O. Bigelow Barber/Elixer Red for you fellas looking for a new scent...its a panty dropper for sho)  Oh man, oh man, oh man...if that was all he did for me that night it would've been more than enough...but he didn't stop there.  He lead me to our bathroom that was lit with candles only.  My bathtub was filled with this new Bath and Body works bubble bath and rose petals.  He told me to relax and play the CD he made for me while he finished dinner.  *grin*  I relaxed in my still very hot tub and pushed play.  I relaxed the the sounds of John Coltrane's "In a Sentimental mood."

Fabulous!

When I was done my medium-well steak was already set out for me along with a plate full of spagetti (Tres romantical! lol).  I saw this fully bloomed and absolutely gorgeous rose and surprises right next to me as I ate.  Dinner was delicious. He apologized for the whole steak and spagetti mix...but I assured him it was perfect because he knew they were of my favorites.  He let me open my presents after dinner...(two pieces of adorable clothing he thought I would like) and then we settled in and watched my favoritest movie of all time...

The Godfather.

lol...I know it sounds funny...but for all the effort and work and thought he put into it...it was enough to make me well up with pride, gratitude and tears because its the little things that make being with him worth it.  Coltrane...ONE rose...and steak...he's amazing...and he lets me know that even though it doesn't seem like it sometimes...he listens...he knows the little things that matter to me.  Bane has been the absolute best thing that's ever happened to me...and I couldn't ask for anything more.

And that was my romantical night...such is such.

One foot in front of the other...it will all work out. That's faith.

These past couple weeks have been hectic.  Crazy even...So much is happened so I'll try to condense it to the thoughts in my jumbled brain.

Recently, I went a little shop happy getting things I NEED and a few things I don't. (Causing a huge dent in my bank account I thought I could live with)  I bought myself a new purse and some much deserved clothes.  I got myself a new girly haircut and I wore a dress to work the other day. 



I've decided take more steps to look like the woman I know I can be.  Being more of BANE's woman rather than his androgenous partner.  My mommy gave me a target gift card for $25 dollars for my birthday and I used it to buy some make up brushes  I heard they were better than MAC.  And I miss wearing make-up. 

And all this is hella girly for me...but in the end...its paying off royally.  In my small effort to do these things...Bane has been a little more attentive and very forethcoming with the compliments.  Which my Aries ego LOVES LOVES LOVES.  A lot more loving glances, a lot more light touches here and there and holding hands...alot more special kisses for no reason...physcial adoration of my "assests"...and there's no need for me to stress the rest (which is better than fantastical lately, haha).  I'm doing better self-esteem wise and I've been feeling very pretty lately.



I just wish I could have bangin eyebrows.

Other than that there has been tons I've wanted to blog about but just never seemed to have the time to...I will this weekend though.  I've wanted to blog about my awesometastical experience when I did a sweat a few weeks ago.  Or the hella soul soothing family day at King's Dominion that was kick ass.  Or the true colors concert that my girl Lisa Lisa (who has a sexy new haircut) took me too.  Cyndi Lauper WAS FANTASIC!!!!!!!!  So was BETH DITTO.  I'm so in love with Beth DITTO....So much so that I will show you exactly how fat I am.


I love her!  And again..the concert was off the hook cuz my girl Margaret Cho killed.  Such is such of life.

These days...well today actually I am gearing up to drive 20 hours straight to Oklahoma just for one day with my WHOLE Okie Fam.  They get to meet my baby loverface and I get to be "home" for a few seconds.  That's going to be spectacular.  I can't wait.  I wish I could spend a few hours in Graceland since we're crusin through Memphis but I'll make Bane promise we'll go back.  I'm picking my daddy up after work and I'm getting off @ 2:30 to meet Bane at the metro.  I want to leave as soon a possible because the sooner we leave..the faster we'll get there and the sooner we get there...the more time I have to spend with my grammy and grampa. 

I love them.

So wish me luck, kittens.  A couple hours ago I didn't have funding for this trip but that's what faith is about...knowing without a doubt that if I put my mind to something it will work out..and I already know it has...I have the funding and the universe, Maheo or whatever you want to call it...has already taken care of me.  For some reason, I have JUST enough money in the bank to cover it.  How that happened...who knows...but I'm thankful. (Super thankful because that means hella SONICS eatin, yo!)  hahaha....

Such is such.

{05.10.07} - Gentle rain.

Posted Date: : May 10, 2007 9:46 PM

It's only fitting that the first rain I encounter...in my new home...be the most gentle rain I think I've ever experienced. A calming soothing rain that even calms the most visceral rage.  My rage.  My moments of unhappiness.

Ghey that sounds emo.

lol...doesn't make it any less true.  I'm edgy.  I'm tired...I'm at that point in the relationship where its put up or shut up...be gone or handle your "stuff".  I'm on day 10 of giving up smoking, although technically I cheated on day 5.  It wasn't a big deal.  But like Bane said...just the other day...we picked a fine time to finally quit. 

Yeah. 

I'm surprised it hasn't been too hard...and I even forget most of the time that I ever enjoyed it or convinced myself I needed it to calm down.  I don't feel like smoking so much...I just which the imaginary welbutrin I'm waiting for gets here...I'll feel...less edgy. 

I hate the way I'll be so fucking pissed at Bane for stupid shit like...

S:  "Hey, nig, that was a stop sign you just passed back there..." 
B:  "Oh really, I didn't notice."

I know he's only been driving for a few years now but god damn...sometimes I wonder.  And I continue to hate the way that I'll be trying to walk it off and he comes behind me...picks something up randomly...and he's like..."Funkymonkey".  And it really manages to be a stupid miniature monkey named Funky.  What the fuck...anger just disappears.  There's nothing to be angry for and I'm like fuck.  Well fuck...I guess I'm not mad anymore...you won sucka.  I haight chu...but not really because you fucking make me smile like no other....fucker.

Sometimes, I'm just so in-love with that fool/man/boy/child that I can't scarcely remember being mad at him only moments before.  Its facinating and ridiculous all in the same sentence.  I love him for being so innocent and perfect for me at times that I'm like ...WTF! Enjoy should enjoy it or die bitch!

 I'm working on getting back to the enjoying part.  I want to get back to the everyday is sunny and gay with Bane days.  And for the majority of life..it is.  I can say at least 90% . of our day is..honestly.   I'm just edgy.  Its getting better.  Bane is growing everyday and I am learning to enjoy everyday.  I enjoy the little things like our ghey ass kokopelli shower curtains and the fact that we don't have no meat but we have 3 different cases of soda in the fridge.  We have  cable and we're hella sad Lakisha got the boot on Wednesday.  I enjoy the fact that I've had sex everyday for the past couple days and its been the purest raw and passionate sex of my life...

Maybe I just need sex more...IDK...Don't they say that?  Don't they say that if women gave up the poontang there would be less war...I suppose being two spirited means that even though you're sick and can't give mama her medicine...then shit...I guess that means the testosterone inside of me becomes self righteous...

hahaha....not really...but maybe.

I digress.

Thank god its Friday.  Yes, I am listening to French music and its great.

Such is such.

Subject : {01.28.07} - I happily say...I took that pic a year ago.

Posted Date: : Jan 29, 2007 12:33 AM

"I gotta admit sometimes
I feel week for loving you the way I do
It's beyond me
I can't control it or force it to be,
you know, what I want it to be
I think about you so much
when I'm with you
and when I'm not
It's deep, the way,
 just looking in your eyes
 just changes my whole perspective
Nothing is more beautiful
 than loving you, holding you being next to you
Kissing your lips
taking my time with you
Nothing is more beautiful
than loving you Holding you being next to you
Moving my hips
Moving in time with you
Put of all the things in the world,
god gave us to each other
It's amazing
You are the king I always imagined
This is the best time of my life."
"Nothing (Interlude)" by Jill Scott


About 365 days ago and with every fiber in my being straining to contain an ego that was about the size of Alaska...I gave myself a gift and quite possibly the greatest gift I've ever come to know in this lifetime. I gave myself the gift of possibility.  Possibility that only months before I could never fathom.  A possibility that I thought I had safely stashed away for a more "appropriate time".  This day about a year ago...I let myself be the possibility of being freedom and joy.  The possibility of being laughter and inspiration.  The possibility of being incredible and beautiful all into one.  I gave myself the gift of being  love...again.

I say this because at that time, I debated about the appropriateness of the timing and the readyness of my heart that had only recently begun to heal. I debated whether it would be in bad taste or even fair considering what I had only just let go of.  Plus, I was just plain scared to death at even considering giving my time and putting energy and understanding and effort into another person. 

It was never my intention to fall in love with Bane.  Hell, before we even met I had known of him because he added me on myspace sometime back.  I didn't make it a point to become bffl with him because back then I had about 5,000 plus Joigazm admirers.  I commented him and he would comment me back.  Nothing spec-tac.   I think what really got us talking was me responding to a what would you say if you woke up next to me tomorrow bulletin.  I said something the fact that its about time and then we started just...talking.  I noticed he lived close by and he was a native so I started nagging him to come meet me. It was ghey because I actually asked him if it would be weird to give him my number.  That always cracks me up because I have never volunteered my number so freely to what was seemingly a stranger....and a stranger that lived in the area to boot.  (I had a stalker once and it wasn't great) Being the shy guy he is I started giving up hope...

I suppose the only reason I wanted to meet him so much is because he never approached me with anything but respect.  He was never like I wanna sex you up and he was such a sweetheart.  Plus, I admit, the badboy image was a huge turn on but never my focus.  My focus was just trying to find new friends.  New people to put in my life.  A new partner in crime if you will.  I just wanted new friends but at the time...which just happened to be new years....my resolve was to give women priority in my life. 

When we did meet we were both nervous as hell even though it was only a friendly event.  Thinking about it always makes me smile when I remember seeing this tall skinny white boy waiting for me to arrive.  I did and the rest of the night consisted of conversation that I adored like no other.  The rest of the night went slowly but much to my gratitude.  He was a regular joe.  Just like me.  Talented and above average...but he was a take life as it kind of guy buddist/taoist values.  Huge plus.  ;)   The night we met is what we contribute to the actual  anniversary.  Its the day our lives changed for the better.  But for all intents and purposes...it was today that we let go of our demons and said yes to letting ourselves get the shit kicked out of us by love. 

Making that decision was hard.  The only thing that resuonded in my mind when I began to struggle with acutally letting Bane into my heart was love like you've never been hurt before. The decision was hard on so many levels and hard because of so many reasons.  Reasons that have escaped me now. 

I made the decision conciously and when I did it I didn't even ask if he wanted me.  I just said hey guess what...I'm yours.  And in turn...he did the same...we both did..freely and happily and both cried like little bitches the whole while...but we did it.  And then the next day he moved in. LMAO. 

My life with Bane this past year has been one of the greatest times in my life.  It forced me to grow up.  It challenged me aim higher.  It made me make miricles happen...and you know what...I wouldn't change a damn thing about anything that's happened between us because we can say without blinking....that we are still happily and crazy in love.  :D  He still gives me butterflies.  It still amazes me to see this gorgeous, delicious, and succulant (Yes, Mariana I said succulant) man in my bed every morning.  And he tells me everyday..that he loves me. Plus, what woman can't appricate and love a man with the biggest and most beautiful penis hazel greey eyes I've ever had the joy to gaze on.  Its They're amazing.

So there you go....my Bane story.  I love this kid like no other...and I'll love this kids....til the day I die.

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe

Subject : {01.19.07} - I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it. – Edgar Allan Poe

Posted Date: : Jan 19, 2007 1:55 PM

Happy Birthday, Edgar Allan Poe!
Its quite fitting that today is his birthday considering that last night during our pillow talk session his name happened to be notably mentioned.  I'm always completely amused at what we talk about sometimes before we go to sleep.  We had a very enjoyable conversation about who the coolest mother fucker ever to walk the earth was…Vincent Price or Marlon Brando and for the life of me I don't even know why I put Brando up against Price…it was the only semi-cool person I could think of at the moment.  After it was said it became apparent that it wasn't even a real question.  Of course, Vincent Price is THEE coolest mother fucker to ever walk the earth hands down.  No one has even come close to living a life that was as elegant, regal, dark and amusing as his.  He simply was and is the epitome of cool. 
Then of course, Poe was mentioned because you can't mention Price without mention of Poe.  Edgar Allan Poe was a lot of things.  A lot of things I could mention to make myself seem smart but I won't.  I'll just say he is the first and the only one to actually scare the shit out of me in a short story.  Tell-Tale Heart is the only story that I completely adore like no other. (Save for the Velveteen Rabbit which is my all time favorite)   Of course I love Poe for all the conventional things but I readily admit that I would like to actually sit down and read the unabridged version of Poe's works that just happens to be laying on our little media center we have goin on.  So yeah…that's my little blurb about Poe.
I miss reading.  I haven't sat down and actually read a good book in over a year and a half.  I think the last book I read that kept me on the edge of my seat was Angels and Demons (which I need to buy again).  I read some of Dan Brown's other stuff but none of it really compares.  I need new authors I want to enjoy reading again.  Now that I have the time…since Bane and I are "scrapping by" these days…barf.   I deplore the term "scrapping by".  The only reason I mention it is because I was trying to have an empowering conversation yesterday with my dad about how balancing my check book and stuff is working out swimmingly and how by the end of next month we'll have probably the biggest surplus of money that we've earned ever.  Which will continue to only grow if we're careful and conscience of how and what we spend.  For some reason when I was explaining to him that although we have to be super careful this month he stopped listening and proceeded to give me this story about how he did it.
He proceeded to explain to me that I/We needed to scrap by for a few years and that it is only at his age finally that he can spend money on such frivolous things as the movies, etc etc etc….I was like…um…hello…did you hear me?  I said by the end of February I'll have 1,000 dollar surplus and if we're conscious and don't go buck wild it will only continue to grow.  That's 1,000 dollars AFTER ALL our bills are paid on time AND living expenses.  I admit…my ego was a little crushed after he said that.  I mean…scrapping by just isn't in my vocabulary anymore and for an abundant person…it shouldn't be in anyone's.  I know it's because I don't believe in the idea of scrapping by that I truly have never had to.  I've lived the life of true abundance and that is to say that I was always provided what I needed…and if there was something that I truly wanted…some how I managed to manifest it.  This is all after I was introduced to what the true meaning of abundance was.  It wasn't easy at first…it never is…and when you are truly trying to put something into action there will be obstacles to challenge your resolve…but once you've truly gotten through the trials of true faith in the idea of abundance…abundance being that there IS enough for everyone on this earth and more…then it just comes naturally…it truly does. 
I'm still learning…I'm not a master…but I'm getting there.  And I know the only reason it hurt is because my father is my father and I have it somewhere that if he doesn't believe I can do it…then I don't give my 100%.  Basically, if my dad says it isn't possible…the maybe it really isn't.  I know I need to get rid of this thought process…but I'm still learning…we both are.  It also hurt a little more that when I was laughing at myself for getting hurt…and relaying the story to Bane…it was funny because Bane did the same thing.  Its like after he heard scrapping by he stopped listening and started going on about how we're going to have to scrap by for years and blah blah blah blah…that's when I stopped listening obviously.  That was disempowering…yet again.  Not in the same way but in the context that Bane is my equal partner…50/50.  And if he didn't believe in what we actually WERE accomplishing…we would probably end up scrapping by…and the fuck if I'm going to live the next couple years doing that shit.  Being aware and making choices is one thing…doing it because that's what we "have to do is another…fuck that.
Again…my ego was aroused and I went on a rant with tears and all about how my father and he were just alike and they both were way too damn practical for me.  And how I don't live my life in disempowering ideas because they scare the shit of me and then I threw myself on the bed and covered my head with a pillow.   After I threw my little "tissy" fit and after Bane was finished reprimanding me for being so childish.  He proceeded to apologize.  Apologizing because he got the reason behind what I was saying.  Its not that was I was saying was the truth…cuz its not…and not that my way is better…because its not…but that my ideas and my excitement about our money situation and the direction I know where going it didn't happen because I settled for scrapping by. 
If I did live in that mentality…we would probably be living with roommates or in a bad part of the city.  I would probably have to take a bus plus a metro to work. We wouldn't have a new car that gets paid for every month and we wouldn't have insurance on our car.  If I lived in that mentality we wouldn't have been able to take the random trips and crazy nights with our friends at the spur of the moment.  And if I lived in that mentality…I wouldn't have been able to travel as much as I did before we met or met half the people I've come to love in my life time. 
So…there it is.   Some girls do end up finding someone similar to their fathers.  I acknowledge that.  I acknowledge that I probably picked Bane because he's so open to ideas and like minded like my father but at the same time…I can challenge him in ways that I don't do naturally with my father.  And he challenges me.  I reach for the sky and Bane keeps us grounded.  I push the limits of our box and make it bigger he keeps us focused and fills our space.  The eagle and the lizard…what a pair.  Sometimes I may have to fly down to the tree so he can climb it and meet me half way…but that's quite alright with me.  :D *sings* That's fuckin team work…*/sings*
"It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream." – Edgar Allan Poe
Werd up, Hey.
Happy Birthday again, Mr. Poe.

{01.18.07} - Gotta love them budgets! Yes, I have a budget.

{01.18.07} - Gotta love them budgets! Yes, I have a budget.

Posted Date: : Jan 18, 2007 5:53 AM

So as a part of my New Year's resolution to be more abundant, I have been doing my budget everyday on this excel spreadsheet my dad made.  I must admit...its fun.  I don't know why but I love balancing our checkbook and crunching the numbers to get REAL numbers and see what we REALLY have.

It's pretty neat!  We still don't have a lot of money.  Not by a long shot...but projected numbers indicate that if we continue to live within our means...No going out to party @ clubs and trips to the bar...no major clothing purchases...

We'll have a substantial surplus by the end of February.  Not only that...but we'll be ahead of the game and we'll be able to pay all our bills with up coming checks on time.  That's crazy!  Collectively our take home pay is about 50% of our bills...by next year we'll be ridin dirty like no other.  Oh yes, this year has started off fuckin awesome. 

Some of the pros of doing our budget this month religiously?  Well for one its getting hella cold in DC (finally) and Bane has gone without coveralls for too long. (He's an electrician and is outside in the cold by 6am)  Buying durable, nice coveralls aren't exactly cheap (about the $150 range) but since I've been religious about our budget...I was able to slip it in without causing peril to our livelyhood.  Granted we won't be going out this weekend...but tomorrow morning my baby will be able to keep warm from neck to feet. 

And since he got something...of course I wanted something too.  So right after work...and since it was already in the budget anyway...I was finally able to buy that stupid plate set I've been waiting for FOR-EVER.  Yes, peoples....I am the new and very satisfied owner of those stupid Jade Galaxy plates.  They actually had ONE set left at the Target next to my work and they were mine. 

I'm so happy.  Seriously, being responsible is going phenomenal. 

And for the people that know me better.  The pop resolution has all but faltered.  I've resided myself to drink diet coke...getting use to it actually.  Still drinking the most milk I can and also all the green tea I could possibly want.  But still...its easy to ask for pop when I'm not thinking about it...so now I'm trying to be more aware.  Blah.

WERD.

{01.16.07} - Its all about production...Incredible weekend.

{01.16.07} - Its all about production...Incredible weekend.

Posted Date: : Jan 16, 2007 5:14 AM

Well this year is off to a great start.  This weekend we got so much done it was insane and seriously to think...we didn't get shit-face drunk nor did I consume a single beer to enjoy myself.  (Okay, I had a couple glasses of wine but nothing substancial.)

Friday, I let Bane sleep when I got home because I was excited to see Pan's Labyrinth @ 10 pm and he needed to get up early the next day.  I watched Loving Annabelle (A lesbian story) by myself because its only during the times that I have to myself that I get to enjoy such things.  (Almost and L Word lover but not quite)  About 9 pm ish we were waiting for James to show up so we could jet on over to the Shirlington Theater.  He wasn't too late and we got there about 9:30.  The line was LOooooooNg but we must have got there right on time because we got perfect seats.  Needless to say the movie was long but it was beautiful, enchanting, graphic, and adorable.  I liked it alot.  I think I was expecting a tad more "horror" which is why it wasn't to sentimental for me.  Either way...I can still appricate it for what it was...which is one of the most innovated and beautiful movies you'll probably see this year.  Afterwards, I took James all the way home to Gaithersburg (My thank you for coming) and got stuff for me to eat the next day cuz Bane was going to be gone all day.

Saturday,  Bane did his first sweat lodge on Saturday.  He almost didn't make it because the alarms didn't go off. Thankfully, my internal alarm has been on point lately and he woke up right on time.  He left me with kisses and nervousness and I fell the hell back asleep because I was so relaxed knowing...I was Bane free for a few hours.  Muahahaha.  I slept most of the day....out of all the things I could've done I slept most of the day.  It felt good!  It felt grand not to have to entertain or figure out what your partner wanted or needed for once.  It was amazing.  My father woke me up around 3 ish....I didn't mean to sleep that long...I went to the store with him whilst getting rid of at least 2 bags of clothing I had been hanging on to forever.  (I still have tons more to let go of but it was a start) 

Then as soon as I walked in the door...I looked at the corner behind the door and started there...I started there @ about 3:45 and didn't stop til bane came home @ about 7:30.   It was nuts.  You can see the living room floor!  I was so proud of myself for getting so much done.  It was amazing...you don't even know napoleon.  hahaha...yeah.  Bane came home...we canoodled and snoodled and talked about his first sweat lodge experience.  It was great having him home.  It was great having time to actually miss him for once! hahaha.  I don't think I've done that in over a year...regardless...we stayed up and watched Smoke Signals to cap of his "native day" hahaha.  (He's never seen it and needless to say he loved it)

Sunday, he gave me a huge surprise...he woke up and the first thing he did was call his mother...to ask if we could come hang out.  All on his own....blew me away.  So Sunday I finally got to meet Mr. Bane's mom.  It was fantastic!  She's so warm and nice and wonderful.  She reminds me alot of my mom.  And her husband alot of my step-dad.  Talking with them wasn't awekward at all...cept for when we couldn't think of things to say.  We ate some delicious turkey chili with them...laughed with them...I got to listen to baby bane stories (FINALLY!) and all in all...it was a tremendous night...for the both of us....GREAT SUNDAY!

Monday, we slept in...our priviledge for having the day off.  I watched a couple morning shows and he did some business on the net and then we ventured off to Chipotle for lunchie.  After lunch and because it was such an awesome day Bane actually was up to walking around DC and exploring...I was so excited!  We walked through the circle and saw my dad.  We walked all the way to adams morgan and we had a snack at this smoothie/dessert shop on 18th street.  It was awesome.  Anyone who's anyone knows how hard it is for me to get bane to just walk and explore this city that I love. (DC isn't his favorite) but he did yesterday and we had a blast.  We even got some CD's and movies at the $1 CD store. :)

All in all it was a great weekend.  I know this isn't as elaborate and detailed as it could be...but I had to write this quickly in an hour....I'll write more later. 

Yey, Tuesday! :)

The day...the music died...or at least myspace.

I'm back to just being a blogger now. Whoop! Whoop!

Myspace got banned from work...so now...here I am. So much as happened in the past year. The main one being...I'm in love and its amazing. We'll be working on 1 year on the 7th of January. I can hardly wait.

I love him.

First blog of the new year...

Don't ask me why I'm journaling in this thing...I don't even like hi-5 haha...I only come here to "stalk" the people that are too good to be on myspace. *LOL* Yey...I'm ghey. (JOIN MYSPACE.COM!!!!)

Other than that...Life is completely wonderful these days. My recently aquired boyfriend has managed to quickly eek his way into my heart and I can say with a true conscience there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Not that he would ask. He is completely amazing. Everyday that I spend with him (Which has been everyday for 2 weeks) is wonderful. We compliment each other in so many ways and we're completely (and VERY surprisingly) compatible in many others. I love him to death. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend if I tried. We talk about things and we laugh about a lot more.

I dunno. It just feels like finally I can be myself and on top of that he ADORES me because I am who I am. We like the same music. We both enjoy a little darker side of life. We can turn each other on like no other. We can just be and god just being is like the best thing ever. *le sigh*

So for anyone that actually took the time to read this...thank you. Right now I'm contemplating something that might drop a lot of jaws. (No not babies or marriage...that's not for a LOOOOONG time...believe me) We were toying around with the idea of moving in together. I know it may seem soon but I think not only could it benefit us both...it could work. Getting a bigger apartment. And no I'm not pondering this for the benefits...although it does seem nice.

Its easy for me to get irritated when someone is taking up too much of my space. He's been in my space basically everyday for 2 weeks now. I still have yet to get tired of him. I love waking up to him every morning. I love him kissing me all over my face before he goes to work @ 5 in the morning. I fucking even love cooking for him and IF you know me...I don't fucking cook for anyone. For some reason...I can't help but want to for him. I do a lot of things for him, I find that I was resisting to doing for anyone because I didn't feel worthy to ask for what I really wanted or just out of sheer pride. I'm an independant woman after all...

There are so many things about Bane that just make me so content with myself...and all at the same time...be the best me I can be. He worships my body with absolute sincerity its mind-blowing. And sometimes when I look at him...He's just the most incredily sexy thing on this planet and I can't help but admit...I am indeed the luckiest girl in the world. Lucky to have someone who loves me so completely. Lucky to love someone that appricates the greatness that I am now. Lucky to have someone to call home about and brag about. Lucky to have someone that makes me smile and sends butterflies to my stomach with a mere phrase or gesture.

I love Bane. That's the only context I can put this in. Again for however long it lasts...I'm committed to making it last a lifetime. I no longer have delusions of grandeur. I have a reality that I created and that I am creating now. In the end, I want the best and I deserve the best and as of this moment...he's all those things and more. So perhaps a move is in our future. I would probably stay in my own building now and apply for a 1 bedroom. We still have a lot to talk about with regards to this issue because we wanna be responsible about it...as with all the major decisions in our lives. We're not just going, omg we're in love...lets move in and stuff. That's ghey. We got to make sure this is what we really REALLY want and its not going to happen tomorrow. So yeah. Something.

As for now...my only problem with this is...is that I really don't have a problem with it. Life is too short and we do what we gotta do. To base this decision out of fear...would be a detriment to our possibility. We are the possibility of love...in in that...fear does not exist...

Yeah something...Thank you again for reading this. ;)

Rest in Peace, Mrs. Rosa Parks....

May you witness what you really meant in this lifetime and continue to watch over us as we all continue our journey. May we all strive to set examples that may one day change the world, however, small or fragile. You were an inspiration to many and for however you lived your life...we thank you, I thank you. God bless you, Mrs. Parks. ~ Spring

"She sat down in order that we all might stand up, and the walls of segregation came down." ~ Rev. Jesse Jackson

Bus Ride Shook a Nation's Conscience

By Patricia Sullivan
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, October 25, 2005; Page A01

Rosa Parks, the dignified African American seamstress whose refusal to surrender a bus seat to a white man launched the modern civil rights movement and inspired generations of activists, died last night at her home in Detroit, the Wayne County medical examiner's office said. She was 92.

For the rest of the story...

Awaken

This is the first spoken word poem that I'm working on.  It doesn't have as much feeling as I want to put into it...yet....but It will eventually.  I'm going to work on it a little more til I finally get the courage to actually do it in front of an audience.  Grrr...Challenege.  I love it.

"Its interesting what you can say in front of a room full of people that you can't seem to say to one person..." - Nina Mosely, Love Jones

Awakened this morning, I outstretched my arms

And reached out as far as I could as I could go across my bed.

Finding nothing

I opened my eyes, smiled and realized

That that time had not been so long ago.

The distinct scent of your face wash still lingers on my pillow.

And that simple olfaction aroused my thoughts more than I would have liked.

My favorite memory of us began fading in through my forethoughts.

And I involuntarily smiled as I remembered waking

To the taste of you still in my mouth.

I smiled as I began to feel the warmth of your naked body against my back.

Then I sighed

As I began feeling the rushing memory of being afraid all over again.

My initial reaction was to run and hide

Cause you, my love,

Were never to have been let in.

Had not fate itself willed it so

And heartily fought through the barriers of our enormous egos.

You never would have been there ever.

But buy chance and laughs, and pure imagination...

I was there...

And you were there...

And for one uncorrupted moment...

We were love.

I can still vividly remember how intoxicating it was

Just to breathe in the infection that was your soul.

At once, it seemed that the dream could be never ending

At the time, I could have completely drowned in it and lost myself.

It was right then I decided I never wanted to swim in another ocean again.

To my surprise, my wandering eyes were finally shut

My restless protected heart was wide open.

The fear of vulnerability began resounding through my chest

And it made my red blood pump that much harder
 
that much faster and faster

Throughout my stubborn, nescient veins.

Somehow at the precise moment you put your powerful arm around my waist.

And I instinctively nestled my head in the space god must have intended only for me,

We began to be finally fully aware of ourselves

And fully aware of what we had both done.

The serenity began to wash over my restrained ego.

And I had felt safer than any home I had ever known before.

Then just as quickly it seemed

I was mindful of the morning sun

Brought back to the reality of my solitary state.

I lay here and stare at the cruel sunlight kissing my pillow.

Sweetly kissing the space where no so long ago your smile had been.

Where that perfect smile should be now.

Had fate been kind to us both.

Amos Lee sings "When she wakes me...she takes me back home..."

And my heart begins to wonder that even if it’s not with you

Will I ever find that kind of peace again?

The salt water then pooling

and ever so gently, quietly letting go

I closed my wandering eyes once more and drifted off to better times...

My sister & I having an over due sista nite. We're 2 cool for words.

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Yey I got to meet my uncle!

So to some up last night in a word...Incredible. 

So yesterday I admit I was apprehensive about meeting my Uncle.  I didn't know what to think and why I was so nervous.  I was shakey!  I felt like I was going out on first date.  I couldn't find the "right" clothes to wear or how to put my hair.  Should I wear my lip ring?  Should I not wear make up?  Should I wear jeans?  It was silly.  My hair didn't look right cause I just got out of the shower and it was humid.  Unable to put it off meeting him any longer, I just made myself go the way I was.   They just got out of the IMAX movie and told me to meet them out front of the Air & Space Museum.  When I walked up I recognized him immediately.  He has that big Fixico head. hahaha. :D  He gave me a big hug like he knew me forever and as soon as we connected the nervousness disappeared and I felt like a dumbass for being so silly

I took'em to the mall.  Cause they wanted to get all purdified for the nights events.  Plus, Milo needed a car charger....I'll have to finish this later.  I'm not feeling in a writing mood right now.  Here's some pix...




My awesome 22 year-old Uncle



Him & his friends Taylor and Reggie



He looks like Fixico...?



Bar Hopping



Cheers!



Laughs all night long



I don't know what this was...



lip rings rock



Don't ask...



Guatemalan Run



Now just the brown people...



He definately acts like a No Heart...hahaha



So a white guy, a Native and a Guatemalan walk into a bar....



Family

God this made me laugh!

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Sweet Dreams are made of these...

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My sleeping schedule has been way off. I can't ever seem to get any sleep or actually get "sleepy" til around 3. But lately it has mostly been out of frustration. I'm frustrated and emotional about my mother even though I refuse to let myself "feel" anything substantial. What are the five stages of grieving again...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance? I dunno...I guess I'm in the Denial stage. When my father told me I did shed a few salty water drops but nothing substantial. I think I was focused more on making him & myself laugh more than anything. And I am truly thankful for my guest being over cause when I found out about my mother's condition, (Which if you are on the blog preferred list you know and if you wanna know feel free to email me) its one of those times I just didn't wanna be alone and I didn't wanna be around family. I was thankful he listened to me rant, incoherently at times, and let me attempt to cry. Why he was the one of all people to be around when I found out I'll never understand. But I won't think to much on it cause in the end the answer always is "everything" happens for a reason. It was just a moment I'm greatful (Is that grate or greatful? (Sp?) for.

Yesterday, I started my new "old" job. My father advised against it for my mental health but choosing my own path I still went and started. If I took the day off then I’d drive myself crazy with the silence. The awesome news is I got my health bene's back. I got my retirement back. I got everything back. And in a strange way, I was a little sad to be back. Someone asked me how it was to be back yesterday when I got home, I just thought to myself…pleh, I’m back where I started…said nothing and shed another few salty drops. In all reality, I should be eternally grateful getting my job back and I am. At the same time and with the circumstances I am in now…it’s not where I wanted to be at this moment. I’m not completely over the happenings of this summer. Not just with my mother but with what happened in general. I’ve come to realize that despite my greatest efforts, I never really dealt with the anger I had/have for what happened. I still have this victimyness about it even though I’m never a victim. I keep telling myself that. I have what I have now cause this is what I choose. I am single and alone cause this is what I choose. It’s the best thing for me. I just wish I knew exactly what I could say to have it go away. But then again…in due time…everything happens for a reason.



When I got home from my first day I had managed to make it through the whole day without crying. Scratch that…I told my ex whom I work with about it cause he’s just as much apart of my family as anyone. He cares about my mom and gets to know. It’s funny, (but not funny) but I was really convinced I wasn’t worried or sad about it…but when I said the words…I found I couldn’t without breaking down. “My mother…6 months to a year…*que waterfalls*.” And with his patented optimism, Ooooooooooh it’ll be alright…she’s going to be okay….*insert Navajo antidote here*. And for that I appreciate him as much as ever for continuing to be in my life. As much as that boy manages to push my buttons, I love that shit out of that fucker. After I told him I didn’t think about it much more really. I went through the day…again flashing my signature smile and again through all the welcome backs. Thankful when the clock struck 5 and time managed to pass quickly that day. I embarked on my first walk back home from work. I managed to get a few zzz’s on the metro. I woke up just in time to get off @ Dupont. I proceeded with my daily Sudoku while walking up the escalators. When I got off, I was immediately barraged with some political campaign to get Dick Chaney’s evil plot to destroy America in the forefront of American Idealism. My Idealism…on my fucking time and in the middle of my Sudoku. As a concentrated on my puzzle, I tried to walk unassumingly to the corner but was confronted by an angry activist. As I stood there minding my own biz and losing myself in my new found addiction…he was like…why are you doing puzzles. I was like…Um…because I can. The he said “How are doing puzzles going to get Dick Chaney out of office”. I replied, it’s not meant to and I’ll do whatever the fuck I wanna do on my own time kthnxbi. He tried to shove his un-recyclable pamphlet in my hands but I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and walked across the street. What a dumfuck? All I wanted to do was finish my Sudoku, go home and curl up and die, fuckin mood ruiner!



I walked home more than annoyed and wondered if the annoyance was really about him. I walked and was greeted by my guest. He asked about my day and I said it was fine. Then all of a sudden…like I was free to let go…I went into the bathroom and hyperventilated. I made myself purge the afternoon’s lunch and cried a little more. Not on purpose mind you. It was like I was watching myself have a breakdown and I couldn’t stop it. It only lasted all of five minutes but I’m sure it concerned my guest. I felt a little better and well enough to ask if he wanted this daily slurpee. To which, there will never be a no. And so we went for a walk. I needed to get out…I needed to move around. Our conversation consisted of very little. Usual back and forth banter. On the way back we pondered what to do for dinner. The frybread I had promised him a many time on the forefront of the mind, we decided on Indian Tacos. Mmm Mmm Mmm…NDN taco’s. It was impromptu and we had to use what was at the little metro store but all in all it came out okay. I tried another frybread recipe cause somewhere it was dubbed “the greatest frybread recipe in the world”. So it wasn’t mine. When I saw how much baking soda was to be used, I sorta cringed. But as an avid rule follower when it comes to recipes…I did what it asked. The dough came out okay. It was just a little thick for my taste but all in all the fluffiness was good. I’ll probably revert back to my own recipe next time but with a few added touches I learned from that recipe. I had fun doing it. I think it was the first time I made a real meal in my own kitchen. Regardless, dinner came out okay. I was nervous. I love my cooking but I’m always afraid others won’t like it. C’est la vie.



The night progressed into some intense T.V. watching. The Monday night double header was on the agenda, the Redskins & Cowboys…but toward the end of the night I have to watch my beloved Laguna Beach. I just love their drama. After Laguna I looked over and noticed my friend was asleep…I took that as a cue and fell asleep my damn self. I managed an hour before I awoke with a heavy heart. I tossed and turned for 2 hours. I finally had to get out and go for a walk. When I walked outside I called Benji and when he answered I just started bawling about my mom. I cried all the way to CVS and back. He listened and engaged some really good advice. He calmed my heart once more and once again…heavy heart lifted for time being. I went back and manged to actually get some sleep. Again, I was grateful for yet another night of not having to be alone. I slept well and welcomed dreaming once more.