Phone pix are teh radness...

Ooh crazy dc 49's. Just trying to check out the new cell phone posting...Good times...

The weekend...

Friday night...I did nada. I think I went to sleep watching ROTs for the bajillionth time some time around 12. I just wanted a laid back night to myself cause my roomate went out to spend his hard earned paycheck...

Saturday night...Earlier in the week I got an exciting email from a myspacer I have long known on myspace for a while but somehow we were never in the same places to meet. When he invited to put me on the Guest list for Club 5 this weekend, of course I couldn't refuse. (DENY ANYONE TO MEET THE EVER LOVELY AND SEXY JOIGAZM? Perish the thought...hahaha). So for most of the day I did a little html stuff for my old blog that I still write in from time to time. It looked too plain and shabby so I spruced it up simple but with my own no heart girl flair. I like it...it's me. I had planned on going to Platinum with tha sista's but...urg...I dispise platinum with a passion. As I so politely described it to my friend Joey...its for people who have low self-esteem or don't know any better. hahahaha...something. So anyways...of course I got wrapped up in doing my html magic and it was already 9 o'clock. Fuck...so I called Joey to make sure he was running late and by the hammer of thor...he was...THANK GODDESS. So I run over to my place...find something that's not too plain and not too shabby and try to fix my hair some way cause lord knows its going to just get fucked up anyway by the rain. It looked cute. So Joey shows up an hour later but by this time I'm all into Nip/Tuck cause I want to see what the rage is about. (It was cool but I don't know if I'd make efforts to be a regular viewer...and despite numerous claims...that episode didn't have sex in it...BOOOO) After it was over, me and teh joey walk our walk to Five. We get there, and Joey gets too feel all important cause "we're on the guest list" and walk our happy asses upstairs to the roof. We got the back bar VIP area and immediately I got to meet the ever lovely Nikki...Chaz's beautiful significant other.
She points me to Chaz who is by the bar and was immediately greeted with a hug and of course...PICTURES!



Chaz and the Beautiful Nikki



Then night then flutters into all our useless banter and putting eachother down cause...Real men play PS2...CHAZ!...And Joey with his girlie drinks.




We laid in the hammocks and enjoyed the the awesome light refreshments (toosie pops and chips...yeah baby) As I lay there I must have been deep in thought cause this girl next to me just starts talking to me and I barely noticed. But eventually she gets my attention and we quickly become gossip girls and dish out the story of our lives to eachother. We gave eachother advice and it was awesome.

Laying in that hammock I remember thinking to myself...this is my life. This is me. Which totally took me into another state of mind that I probably write another blog about if I get the courage to. But as I checked my phone I see that Martina is happily awaiting our arrival at cobalt so we hug our goodbyes and bid each other adieu...but not before Joey threatens to steal the candy bowl and gives a quick pole dance for Nikki. ;)


Me and Joey enjoy a beautiful evening stroll with rain pouring down softly on our faces but it was a nice warm rain...the kind that you would wish for on a romantic night. We finally track down cobalt and get a few dances in with Martina and Ro. It was fun. We capped off the night with some Mickey deez and parted ways. All in all it that night was majorly fun. I enjoyed it immensely.

Sunday...Another laid back day with things heavy on my mind. I slept most of the day.

All in all GREAT weekend.

Pass the Endorphins please!

I just started my "Project You!" Video series recently in order to better myself physically (which for me is a big deal cause I hardly ever take the time to invest in myself). I did the lower body work out ab/legs and the cardio. The cardio wasn't that bad. I liked it actually. Got the old heart rate up...but the fucking lower ab and legs...fucking aye...I don't think I've ever felt my ass unless I get that tingly sensation you get after something falls asleep. I feel good. I can't be discouraged. I feel good. I feel I accomplished something for myself today. I'm satisfied. I wanna quit smoking so bad and I think that's one of my strongest vices right now. There is still a semi whole pack back in my apt calling my name as we speak. I'm sure I will give in although to test my resolve, I shouldn't. I have the devil and angel on my shoulders battling it out to see who gets the better of me.

And fuck alcohol in the ass. That is probably something that I have more problem with doing than anything. Not that I'm a big ole alkie. Its just that I have no desire to drink. The "fun" of it has lost it's shiney and no longer captivates my interest. For any reason what so ever. I used to strive to be social and the one that "isn't ruining everyone else's good time". I can be a happy drunk. And Yeah I have had many a good time doing it. But being here in D.C. under these circumstances. Its so not worth it. I have a bajillion reasons not to drink. I think the up most being my mother is drinking herself to death as we speak. I promised the little girl I used to be I would never become her. I have yet to drink by myself, let alone make it a regular thing. But living with my room mate and his antics just don't cut it for me anymore. Sunday when I was at my lowest emotionally he suggested I go out with him and drink the night away. The fact that he even suggested sparked a new resolve in how much that fucking isn't me and how I fucking dilute myself about how much a more put together person he is. He literally dragged me out the door cause he felt it was what I "needed". *rolls eyes* Who the fuck needs alcohol? Needless to say he learned his lesson and it made my case in point of why the fuck I didn't want to do it in the first place. Such is life.

Eating....I think I've eatin a total of 5 handfuls of goldfish crackers. Drank 2 cokes, a ton of water, a cripsy chicken salad from BK, like 10 fries, 4 starbursts and a half a lemon chicken sandwich since sunday. Oh wait...I had a cupful of beef fried rice and I MADE myself do that. Now that's not healthy eating by any means. I'm just not as hungry as I used to be. I feel my tummy but it doesn't "hurt" and food doesn't interest me. If I had the money I'd actually try to do something about it but as it is...I'm poorer than a mutha fucka. I can't even afford ramen. Such is life.

I'm just doing my best to get a job asap so i don't have to rely on stupid roomate for money. (which we would have things to fucking eat if he didn't spend all of MY money and his this fucking weekend to drink) I hate him for that. Hate hate hate him. Such is life. He's moving out next month. I can't stand to live with him cause he has that whole machismo thing going on. But whatever.

Can I just say I fucking HATE D.C. WEATHER! HEAT is one thing...but the fucking humidity! Maheo give me a break!

ick.

And home again

Home

A child's morning laughter lingers soundly in the breeze.
Walking the careful path back home with gentleness and ease.
Do I know where I'm going? I suppose home is where I please.
Yet the word for home is empty cause I've seemed to lost my keys.

I can't help who I am right now though I know I can be more.
You've tapped my one insecurity and it pains me to the core.
Do I lay down and stay a victim? That's not what love is for.
My heart is at its strongest but how much more will it endure?

I can't help who I am right now though it's hard to be this weak.
I can't instantly give you answers or the happiness you seek.
I can no longer be a victim and pretend to be this meek.
I can only go on alone cause aggravation is all we speak.

I couldn't stand to love another. Even this I tried not to want.
I'm all the girl you needed but perhaps that was just a front.
I can't tell what I'm doing. My words are vague & blunt.
Maybe I fooled myself again and played an idiot savant.

Confusion is all that lingers. I don't know what I want for me.
Next to you is all I wanted and now that place I cannot be.
Does that mean that I give up, like I tend to easily?
Hell no. I'll just keep on going for one day, my love, you'll see.

I'll keep on trying harder so that you can never say I didn't do my best.
I'll continue to live my life for me so as to put your mind at rest.
Your challenge is for the better so I'll gladly accept this test.
So that when we look back at this time, it will just be all in jest.

My goals will come to fruition so that my soul I can appease
I'll continue to wear my ring and promise kept on bended knees.
So when a child's morning laughter still lingers in the breeze.
I can carefully walk back home with gentleness and ease.

How it feels to be "Home"....

I think my dad pretty much summed up my world when he posed the question...

”How does it feel to be home? Or whatever you call home these days...”

I can't really say that I know what home feels like anymore. I think I've come to that point where I've jaded myself out so much that in a very cynical type of way I wouldn't know what "home" felt like even if it slapped me in the face. I live a lot of places. And many more places I am always welcome. I have a couch in Wyoming that will always be available to rest my head on. Martin has my D.C. escape when I need to get away. I know I’m always welcome to live at my grandma’s in Oklahoma. And the Harjo’s are more than happy to give me their surrogate daughter a spare room if I’m ever in Texas. The list goes on…

I think of the things I used to call home and wonder to myself where that feeling went or why I let it go. I live a restless life. I never know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I think I do. And all my plans always sound really good. But in the mean time I’m lost cause none of it motivates me or moves me in such a way that I’m eager to get to that point or that place I would like to call home.

I dunno…I was just thinking about that today as I was brushing my niece’s hair. I call her my mini me cause she totally reminds me of me when I was her age. Just sitting in the chair and brushing out all the tangles out of her long Seminole hair after she just got out of the bath reminded me of the countless times my mom used to do that for me. As a little girl I remember thinking to myself…one day I’ll get to do that for my daughter. That’ll be me brushing my daughter’s long black hair only I won’t give my girls Chinese eyes…ha ha ha.

Tucking her in and fighting with her about going to be touched a part of me I haven’t felt in a while. A part of me that I tend to ignore and once thought I could completely do without because being single for so long softly dulled away that longing. I think I let that part of me go as well when I had a miscarriage and lost my son. Losing him was probably one of the worst pains I have ever felt and I never really knew how much I wanted him til I found out he was gone. I let that part of me go because I never wanted to have that experience again.

All things being what they are I know I’m still probably not ready for that time and place where I can get back to being at “Home”. For now I take my comforts in the little things I do get and the little times in life where I can pretend nothing else is more important. Like when I get to play with and take care of my nieces and nephews, my “kids”. Or when I lie next to my beloved and can do nothing else but breathe in his comforts and my adoration for him. Or when my daddy hugs me and I can feel the strength of his love so much I want to cry every time. It’s the little things in life.

I don’t know where this blog is going…just random thoughts for the day I suppose.