Girl Born a No Heart...

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2009-08-12T22:22:00.001-04:00

--
"Have patience with yourself; Find the perspective to see yourself for what you are & know that you have it in you to persevere."

Brand New Dey.

2007-12-18T10:57:00.000-05:00

One day its here...next day its gone. Well I suppose I'll enjoy it for now. Lately at work when I have nothing to preoccupy myself, I've been hanging around CurvyChick.com. Its not bad. Its like myspace for the plus-size diva. The good thing about it is I only have to be myself around them...the bad thing about it is some of the ladies are a little too big for their britches...metaphorically speaking of course. I'm sure that's just women in general but some women just tick me off with their self-loathing and bitching about things that are trivial. I know I bitch about things that in the grand scheme are trival but these guys...idk. I dunno. I need to stop being so judgmental. I've made a friend or two. So I guess I'll shut up about it for now.

What else...My brain is off as usual. I'll write more laters. ;)

Hey again...

2007-10-09T12:49:00.000-04:00

I guess they decided to give us a reprieve on blogger at work. Too bad I'm tapped out intellectually. I'm tired. Pooped. Drained. But I'll get over it. I need more sleep. Depression=Insominia=Zombie=more depression. But hey! At least I got my flu shot today! :)

Gheeeey.

Bane started work today and as excited as I should be...I'm holding my breath. Its finally a steady job. A steady pay check. No more of this I might lose my job tomorrow bullshit. Its steady work and steady pay at a very decent wage. Plus, he'll finally have health benefits. FINALLY. I'm happy. But like I said...I'm still holding my breath. I shouldn't...but things with that boy have always been volatile.....blah blah blah...sore subject. I love him and his love for me is unparallel. His in ability to be responsible for himself as well as others irks the shit out of me. Its not that he's not caring...its that he was taught to look out only for yourself. Which doesn't fall in line with the code of family first...

Blah blah...I'll stop. He's trying...he's finally got a steady job. Things will be gianormously better. The have to be. Now if i can only get my life in order...I'll be set for life. Something.

The day...the music died...or at least myspace.

2006-12-11T13:40:00.000-05:00

I'm back to just being a blogger now. Whoop! Whoop!

Myspace got banned from work...so now...here I am. So much as happened in the past year. The main one being...I'm in love and its amazing. We'll be working on 1 year on the 7th of January. I can hardly wait.

I love him.

First blog of the new year...

2006-02-13T13:16:00.000-05:00

Don't ask me why I'm journaling in this thing...I don't even like hi-5 haha...I only come here to "stalk" the people that are too good to be on myspace. *LOL* Yey...I'm ghey. (JOIN MYSPACE.COM!!!!)

Other than that...Life is completely wonderful these days. My recently aquired boyfriend has managed to quickly eek his way into my heart and I can say with a true conscience there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Not that he would ask. He is completely amazing. Everyday that I spend with him (Which has been everyday for 2 weeks) is wonderful. We compliment each other in so many ways and we're completely (and VERY surprisingly) compatible in many others. I love him to death. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend if I tried. We talk about things and we laugh about a lot more.

I dunno. It just feels like finally I can be myself and on top of that he ADORES me because I am who I am. We like the same music. We both enjoy a little darker side of life. We can turn each other on like no other. We can just be and god just being is like the best thing ever. *le sigh*

So for anyone that actually took the time to read this...thank you. Right now I'm contemplating something that might drop a lot of jaws. (No not babies or marriage...that's not for a LOOOOONG time...believe me) We were toying around with the idea of moving in together. I know it may seem soon but I think not only could it benefit us both...it could work. Getting a bigger apartment. And no I'm not pondering this for the benefits...although it does seem nice.

Its easy for me to get irritated when someone is taking up too much of my space. He's been in my space basically everyday for 2 weeks now. I still have yet to get tired of him. I love waking up to him every morning. I love him kissing me all over my face before he goes to work @ 5 in the morning. I fucking even love cooking for him and IF you know me...I don't fucking cook for anyone. For some reason...I can't help but want to for him. I do a lot of things for him, I find that I was resisting to doing for anyone because I didn't feel worthy to ask for what I really wanted or just out of sheer pride. I'm an independant woman after all...

There are so many things about Bane that just make me so content with myself...and all at the same time...be the best me I can be. He worships my body with absolute sincerity its mind-blowing. And sometimes when I look at him...He's just the most incredily sexy thing on this planet and I can't help but admit...I am indeed the luckiest girl in the world. Lucky to have someone who loves me so completely. Lucky to love someone that appricates the greatness that I am now. Lucky to have someone to call home about and brag about. Lucky to have someone that makes me smile and sends butterflies to my stomach with a mere phrase or gesture.

I love Bane. That's the only context I can put this in. Again for however long it lasts...I'm committed to making it last a lifetime. I no longer have delusions of grandeur. I have a reality that I created and that I am creating now. In the end, I want the best and I deserve the best and as of this moment...he's all those things and more. So perhaps a move is in our future. I would probably stay in my own building now and apply for a 1 bedroom. We still have a lot to talk about with regards to this issue because we wanna be responsible about it...as with all the major decisions in our lives. We're not just going, omg we're in love...lets move in and stuff. That's ghey. We got to make sure this is what we really REALLY want and its not going to happen tomorrow. So yeah. Something.

As for now...my only problem with this is...is that I really don't have a problem with it. Life is too short and we do what we gotta do. To base this decision out of fear...would be a detriment to our possibility. We are the possibility of love...in in that...fear does not exist...

Yeah something...Thank you again for reading this. ;)

Rest in Peace, Mrs. Rosa Parks....

2005-10-25T11:08:00.000-04:00

May you witness what you really meant in this lifetime and continue to watch over us as we all continue our journey. May we all strive to set examples that may one day change the world, however, small or fragile. You were an inspiration to many and for however you lived your life...we thank you, I thank you. God bless you, Mrs. Parks. ~ Spring

"She sat down in order that we all might stand up, and the walls of segregation came down." ~ Rev. Jesse Jackson

Bus Ride Shook a Nation's Conscience

By Patricia Sullivan
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, October 25, 2005; Page A01

Rosa Parks, the dignified African American seamstress whose refusal to surrender a bus seat to a white man launched the modern civil rights movement and inspired generations of activists, died last night at her home in Detroit, the Wayne County medical examiner's office said. She was 92.

For the rest of the story...

Awaken

2005-10-18T01:17:00.000-04:00

This is the first spoken word poem that I'm working on. It doesn't have as much feeling as I want to put into it...yet....but It will eventually. I'm going to work on it a little more til I finally get the courage to actually do it in front of an audience. Grrr...Challenege. I love it.

"Its interesting what you can say in front of a room full of people that you can't seem to say to one person..." - Nina Mosely, Love Jones

Awakened this morning, I outstretched my arms

And reached out as far as I could as I could go across my bed.

Finding nothing

I opened my eyes, smiled and realized

That that time had not been so long ago.

The distinct scent of your face wash still lingers on my pillow.

And that simple olfaction aroused my thoughts more than I would have liked.

My favorite memory of us began fading in through my forethoughts.

And I involuntarily smiled as I remembered waking

To the taste of you still in my mouth.

I smiled as I began to feel the warmth of your naked body against my back.

Then I sighed

As I began feeling the rushing memory of being afraid all over again.

My initial reaction was to run and hide

Cause you, my love,

Were never to have been let in.

Had not fate itself willed it so

And heartily fought through the barriers of our enormous egos.

You never would have been there ever.

But buy chance and laughs, and pure imagination...

I was there...

And you were there...

And for one uncorrupted moment...

We were love.

I can still vividly remember how intoxicating it was

Just to breathe in the infection that was your soul.

At once, it seemed that the dream could be never ending

At the time, I could have completely drowned in it and lost myself.

It was right then I decided I never wanted to swim in another ocean again.

To my surprise, my wandering eyes were finally shut

My restless protected heart was wide open.

The fear of vulnerability began resounding through my chest

And it made my red blood pump that much harder

that much faster and faster

Throughout my stubborn, nescient veins.

Somehow at the precise moment you put your powerful arm around my waist.

And I instinctively nestled my head in the space god must have intended only for me,

We began to be finally fully aware of ourselves

And fully aware of what we had both done.

The serenity began to wash over my restrained ego.

And I had felt safer than any home I had ever known before.

Then just as quickly it seemed

I was mindful of the morning sun

Brought back to the reality of my solitary state.

I lay here and stare at the cruel sunlight kissing my pillow.

Sweetly kissing the space where no so long ago your smile had been.

Where that perfect smile should be now.

Had fate been kind to us both.

Amos Lee sings "When she wakes me...she takes me back home..."

And my heart begins to wonder that even if it’s not with you

Will I ever find that kind of peace again?

The salt water then pooling

and ever so gently, quietly letting go

I closed my wandering eyes once more and drifted off to better times...

2005-10-09T01:33:00.000-04:00

My sister & I having an over due sista nite. We're 2 cool for words.

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Yey I got to meet my uncle!

2005-10-02T20:53:00.000-04:00

So to some up last night in a word...Incredible.

So yesterday I admit I was apprehensive about meeting my Uncle. I didn't know what to think and why I was so nervous. I was shakey! I felt like I was going out on first date. I couldn't find the "right" clothes to wear or how to put my hair. Should I wear my lip ring? Should I not wear make up? Should I wear jeans? It was silly. My hair didn't look right cause I just got out of the shower and it was humid. Unable to put it off meeting him any longer, I just made myself go the way I was. They just got out of the IMAX movie and told me to meet them out front of the Air & Space Museum. When I walked up I recognized him immediately. He has that big Fixico head. hahaha. :D He gave me a big hug like he knew me forever and as soon as we connected the nervousness disappeared and I felt like a dumbass for being so silly

I took'em to the mall. Cause they wanted to get all purdified for the nights events. Plus, Milo needed a car charger....I'll have to finish this later. I'm not feeling in a writing mood right now. Here's some pix...

My awesome 22 year-old Uncle

Him & his friends Taylor and Reggie

He looks like Fixico...?

Bar Hopping

Cheers!

Laughs all night long

I don't know what this was...

lip rings rock

Don't ask...

Guatemalan Run

Now just the brown people...

He definately acts like a No Heart...hahaha

So a white guy, a Native and a Guatemalan walk into a bar....

Family

God this made me laugh!

2005-09-24T12:15:00.000-04:00

Sweet Dreams are made of these...

2005-09-20T10:35:00.000-04:00

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My sleeping schedule has been way off. I can't ever seem to get any sleep or actually get "sleepy" til around 3. But lately it has mostly been out of frustration. I'm frustrated and emotional about my mother even though I refuse to let myself "feel" anything substantial. What are the five stages of grieving again...Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, & Acceptance? I dunno...I guess I'm in the Denial stage. When my father told me I did shed a few salty water drops but nothing substantial. I think I was focused more on making him & myself laugh more than anything. And I am truly thankful for my guest being over cause when I found out about my mother's condition, (Which if you are on the blog preferred list you know and if you wanna know feel free to email me) its one of those times I just didn't wanna be alone and I didn't wanna be around family. I was thankful he listened to me rant, incoherently at times, and let me attempt to cry. Why he was the one of all people to be around when I found out I'll never understand. But I won't think to much on it cause in the end the answer always is "everything" happens for a reason. It was just a moment I'm greatful (Is that grate or greatful? (Sp?) for.

Yesterday, I started my new "old" job. My father advised against it for my mental health but choosing my own path I still went and started. If I took the day off then I’d drive myself crazy with the silence. The awesome news is I got my health bene's back. I got my retirement back. I got everything back. And in a strange way, I was a little sad to be back. Someone asked me how it was to be back yesterday when I got home, I just thought to myself…pleh, I’m back where I started…said nothing and shed another few salty drops. In all reality, I should be eternally grateful getting my job back and I am. At the same time and with the circumstances I am in now…it’s not where I wanted to be at this moment. I’m not completely over the happenings of this summer. Not just with my mother but with what happened in general. I’ve come to realize that despite my greatest efforts, I never really dealt with the anger I had/have for what happened. I still have this victimyness about it even though I’m never a victim. I keep telling myself that. I have what I have now cause this is what I choose. I am single and alone cause this is what I choose. It’s the best thing for me. I just wish I knew exactly what I could say to have it go away. But then again…in due time…everything happens for a reason.

When I got home from my first day I had managed to make it through the whole day without crying. Scratch that…I told my ex whom I work with about it cause he’s just as much apart of my family as anyone. He cares about my mom and gets to know. It’s funny, (but not funny) but I was really convinced I wasn’t worried or sad about it…but when I said the words…I found I couldn’t without breaking down. “My mother…6 months to a year…*que waterfalls*.” And with his patented optimism, Ooooooooooh it’ll be alright…she’s going to be okay….*insert Navajo antidote here*. And for that I appreciate him as much as ever for continuing to be in my life. As much as that boy manages to push my buttons, I love that shit out of that fucker. After I told him I didn’t think about it much more really. I went through the day…again flashing my signature smile and again through all the welcome backs. Thankful when the clock struck 5 and time managed to pass quickly that day. I embarked on my first walk back home from work. I managed to get a few zzz’s on the metro. I woke up just in time to get off @ Dupont. I proceeded with my daily Sudoku while walking up the escalators. When I got off, I was immediately barraged with some political campaign to get Dick Chaney’s evil plot to destroy America in the forefront of American Idealism. My Idealism…on my fucking time and in the middle of my Sudoku. As a concentrated on my puzzle, I tried to walk unassumingly to the corner but was confronted by an angry activist. As I stood there minding my own biz and losing myself in my new found addiction…he was like…why are you doing puzzles. I was like…Um…because I can. The he said “How are doing puzzles going to get Dick Chaney out of office”. I replied, it’s not meant to and I’ll do whatever the fuck I wanna do on my own time kthnxbi. He tried to shove his un-recyclable pamphlet in my hands but I just looked at him, rolled my eyes and walked across the street. What a dumfuck? All I wanted to do was finish my Sudoku, go home and curl up and die, fuckin mood ruiner!

I walked home more than annoyed and wondered if the annoyance was really about him. I walked and was greeted by my guest. He asked about my day and I said it was fine. Then all of a sudden…like I was free to let go…I went into the bathroom and hyperventilated. I made myself purge the afternoon’s lunch and cried a little more. Not on purpose mind you. It was like I was watching myself have a breakdown and I couldn’t stop it. It only lasted all of five minutes but I’m sure it concerned my guest. I felt a little better and well enough to ask if he wanted this daily slurpee. To which, there will never be a no. And so we went for a walk. I needed to get out…I needed to move around. Our conversation consisted of very little. Usual back and forth banter. On the way back we pondered what to do for dinner. The frybread I had promised him a many time on the forefront of the mind, we decided on Indian Tacos. Mmm Mmm Mmm…NDN taco’s. It was impromptu and we had to use what was at the little metro store but all in all it came out okay. I tried another frybread recipe cause somewhere it was dubbed “the greatest frybread recipe in the world”. So it wasn’t mine. When I saw how much baking soda was to be used, I sorta cringed. But as an avid rule follower when it comes to recipes…I did what it asked. The dough came out okay. It was just a little thick for my taste but all in all the fluffiness was good. I’ll probably revert back to my own recipe next time but with a few added touches I learned from that recipe. I had fun doing it. I think it was the first time I made a real meal in my own kitchen. Regardless, dinner came out okay. I was nervous. I love my cooking but I’m always afraid others won’t like it. C’est la vie.

The night progressed into some intense T.V. watching. The Monday night double header was on the agenda, the Redskins & Cowboys…but toward the end of the night I have to watch my beloved Laguna Beach. I just love their drama. After Laguna I looked over and noticed my friend was asleep…I took that as a cue and fell asleep my damn self. I managed an hour before I awoke with a heavy heart. I tossed and turned for 2 hours. I finally had to get out and go for a walk. When I walked outside I called Benji and when he answered I just started bawling about my mom. I cried all the way to CVS and back. He listened and engaged some really good advice. He calmed my heart once more and once again…heavy heart lifted for time being. I went back and manged to actually get some sleep. Again, I was grateful for yet another night of not having to be alone. I slept well and welcomed dreaming once more.

Some days are better than most...

2005-09-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

So first off, I'm not stress about anything right now. I am perfectly peaceful...so with that being said...

Last night I found out my mother has six months to a year to live. I have shed a few tears about it and although I'm not fine with it, I'm not going to and haven't gone into freak out mode. I love my mother and I knew this was possible and deep down just waiting for it to be confirmed. I'm not pouty. I'm optimistic. But truely and honestly...I'm not sad so I request you don't be sad for me. Prayers are always welcome and appricated, as are smiles. Its like good news bad/news, ya know. Meaning most people don't know how much time they have with they're parents and they take them for granted. Now I know and the good news is I can make sure the time we have left gets to be valuable. I'm taking this day with a grain of salt...happy my mom is here for the time being...and trying to focus out so I can focus on my next move. My main concern right now is my 10 year old brother. Someone needs to be there for him. And since I have the best potential and no other obligations...That person most likely is me. Which means yet another move back to the west coast. The transition is going to be easy for any of us. I don't know how many more people know outside of my siblings and father so I'm trying to keep a low profile. As long as I am here in D.C. I plan on still living my life. I'm not going to stop living just cause I can't do anything right now. I don't know how much longer I'll be here...but when I know I'll let chu guys know.

Night with...

2005-09-17T01:04:00.000-04:00

Crackfishes

www.sudoku.com

2005-09-14T10:59:00.000-04:00

For the past couple days, to pass the time away, I've been doing Su do Ku Number puzzles. Now, doing number puzzles isn't pressing hardcore stuff but it isn't easy either. They put them in the Washington Post Express every morning and doing them is a treasured part of my day considering I have nothing else better to do than watch George Bush squawk about whatever. At first I picked it up cause it was intriguing and it took me about 2 hours to do the first one. (With the aid of a lot...I repeat...a lot of white out.)

Without going into a long drawn out story, I just finished my 5th such puzzle, medium difficulty in 30 minutes with no white out. *pats self on back*

Is it time for the New York Times crossword? hmmm....

And your heart will be at peace...

2005-09-08T16:43:00.000-04:00

I just got a phone call from the missing brother in New Orleans. And as predicted...he's is alive...he is okay. We talked for an hour about his many advantures of fighting off looters, rescuing 2 girls that were trying to drive during the worst part of the storm, and the great ready to eat meals.

My brother has the best attitude. The converstation wasn't sad or drab. It was more upbeat than anything and for that I am thankful. He's just happy to be alive. He told me about the people he comes across that are sadden by the devistation...which they have every right to be...but he takes the time to share with them the joys of just being alive. You're home is missing but your family is here...home is where the heart is...and as long as you're alive...Everything is better than okay.

He's a nut but I love him. And I am doubly thankful to Maheo for him being able to call and get through. Prayers for the ones that can't see the light in the darkness of this their situation. And share in the joy for the ones that do.

2005-09-03T19:48:00.000-04:00

Another wonderful nite with my gay lover Martin

Just a tad sensitive right now...

2005-09-02T12:18:00.000-04:00

I'm tired...I've had 3 hours of sleep total....I can't sleep now cause my body hates the shit out me...perhaps literally...I'm not in the mood for other people's attitude so I'll just stick with my own today...thanx...

Now that I've alerted the media...on to deeper note...

I finally broke down and cried yesterday and I've been trying not to cry all fucking day....

See...My roomate loves to leave CNN on in the morning when he leaves for work. Usually I leave my apt before then so when I come back...CNN is still on. Now...I'm not totally oblivious to the fact that there is a great big chaotic tragety happening in the South. Of course not...my brother lives in New Orleans. But I think with anything and everything...out of site out of mind you know. I know my brother is okay...I know my brother is going to be okay...even though I nor anyone has heard from him at all. My brother is a resourceful person and he's a leader when he needs to be. My brother is okay....I know this. But yesterday...when I walked in to my apt...I had full coverage of scenes in New Orleans straight in front of my face. Babies crying, death toll rising, people starving, people angry with every right to be...

Me...I have no right to complain about my life right now because somewhere in New Orleans...my brother may be watching a mother watching her children starve...My brother may be trapt inside a house alone with no food or water to drink. My brother could quite possibly be doing everything he can to help people that can't help themselves right now and being a hero. My brother could be praying harder than he's ever prayed in his life for me in hopes that I & my sister don't let our lives go to waste...

And a hard and simple truth of the matter is...my brother could quite possibly be dead right now.

So as of now...I really don't have a right to do nothing with my life. I can sit here and cry about it some more...cause yeah...it does make me sad to think about him being there...but right now...I choose to use this day to honor my brother...honor him by honoring myself...by not taking this day for granted...by enjoying what I do have which is my family, my friends, and people who love me...by going out and thanking Maheo for letting me borrow yet another day in this world...I choose to honor my brother today...and pray that whatever he is doing...wherever he may be right now...he can feel my light and that of all those that love him and are thinking of him now...

I miss you Ivan...I love you and I have faith you will make yourself known soon...

My prayers go out to everyone in the world today...The Middle East as well as the people affected by the Hurricane. May Maheo give you peace.

Little brother's...

2005-09-01T01:20:00.000-04:00

Aren't they the greatest?

Phone pix are teh radness...

2005-08-31T15:49:00.000-04:00

Ooh crazy dc 49's. Just trying to check out the new cell phone posting...Good times...

The weekend...

2005-08-29T14:29:00.000-04:00

Friday night...I did nada. I think I went to sleep watching ROTs for the bajillionth time some time around 12. I just wanted a laid back night to myself cause my roomate went out to spend his hard earned paycheck...

Saturday night...Earlier in the week I got an exciting email from a myspacer I have long known on myspace for a while but somehow we were never in the same places to meet. When he invited to put me on the Guest list for Club 5 this weekend, of course I couldn't refuse. (DENY ANYONE TO MEET THE EVER LOVELY AND SEXY JOIGAZM? Perish the thought...hahaha). So for most of the day I did a little html stuff for my old blog that I still write in from time to time. It looked too plain and shabby so I spruced it up simple but with my own no heart girl flair. I like it...it's me. I had planned on going to Platinum with tha sista's but...urg...I dispise platinum with a passion. As I so politely described it to my friend Joey...its for people who have low self-esteem or don't know any better. hahahaha...something. So anyways...of course I got wrapped up in doing my html magic and it was already 9 o'clock. Fuck...so I called Joey to make sure he was running late and by the hammer of thor...he was...THANK GODDESS. So I run over to my place...find something that's not too plain and not too shabby and try to fix my hair some way cause lord knows its going to just get fucked up anyway by the rain. It looked cute. So Joey shows up an hour later but by this time I'm all into Nip/Tuck cause I want to see what the rage is about. (It was cool but I don't know if I'd make efforts to be a regular viewer...and despite numerous claims...that episode didn't have sex in it...BOOOO) After it was over, me and teh joey walk our walk to Five. We get there, and Joey gets too feel all important cause "we're on the guest list" and walk our happy asses upstairs to the roof. We got the back bar VIP area and immediately I got to meet the ever lovely Nikki...Chaz's beautiful significant other.
She points me to Chaz who is by the bar and was immediately greeted with a hug and of course...PICTURES!

Chaz and the Beautiful Nikki

Then night then flutters into all our useless banter and putting eachother down cause...Real men play PS2...CHAZ!...And Joey with his girlie drinks.

We laid in the hammocks and enjoyed the the awesome light refreshments (toosie pops and chips...yeah baby) As I lay there I must have been deep in thought cause this girl next to me just starts talking to me and I barely noticed. But eventually she gets my attention and we quickly become gossip girls and dish out the story of our lives to eachother. We gave eachother advice and it was awesome.

Laying in that hammock I remember thinking to myself...this is my life. This is me. Which totally took me into another state of mind that I probably write another blog about if I get the courage to. But as I checked my phone I see that Martina is happily awaiting our arrival at cobalt so we hug our goodbyes and bid each other adieu...but not before Joey threatens to steal the candy bowl and gives a quick pole dance for Nikki. ;)

Me and Joey enjoy a beautiful evening stroll with rain pouring down softly on our faces but it was a nice warm rain...the kind that you would wish for on a romantic night. We finally track down cobalt and get a few dances in with Martina and Ro. It was fun. We capped off the night with some Mickey deez and parted ways. All in all it that night was majorly fun. I enjoyed it immensely.

Sunday...Another laid back day with things heavy on my mind. I slept most of the day.

All in all GREAT weekend.

Pass the Endorphins please!

2005-08-18T16:10:00.000-04:00

I just started my "Project You!" Video series recently in order to better myself physically (which for me is a big deal cause I hardly ever take the time to invest in myself). I did the lower body work out ab/legs and the cardio. The cardio wasn't that bad. I liked it actually. Got the old heart rate up...but the fucking lower ab and legs...fucking aye...I don't think I've ever felt my ass unless I get that tingly sensation you get after something falls asleep. I feel good. I can't be discouraged. I feel good. I feel I accomplished something for myself today. I'm satisfied. I wanna quit smoking so bad and I think that's one of my strongest vices right now. There is still a semi whole pack back in my apt calling my name as we speak. I'm sure I will give in although to test my resolve, I shouldn't. I have the devil and angel on my shoulders battling it out to see who gets the better of me.

And fuck alcohol in the ass. That is probably something that I have more problem with doing than anything. Not that I'm a big ole alkie. Its just that I have no desire to drink. The "fun" of it has lost it's shiney and no longer captivates my interest. For any reason what so ever. I used to strive to be social and the one that "isn't ruining everyone else's good time". I can be a happy drunk. And Yeah I have had many a good time doing it. But being here in D.C. under these circumstances. Its so not worth it. I have a bajillion reasons not to drink. I think the up most being my mother is drinking herself to death as we speak. I promised the little girl I used to be I would never become her. I have yet to drink by myself, let alone make it a regular thing. But living with my room mate and his antics just don't cut it for me anymore. Sunday when I was at my lowest emotionally he suggested I go out with him and drink the night away. The fact that he even suggested sparked a new resolve in how much that fucking isn't me and how I fucking dilute myself about how much a more put together person he is. He literally dragged me out the door cause he felt it was what I "needed". *rolls eyes* Who the fuck needs alcohol? Needless to say he learned his lesson and it made my case in point of why the fuck I didn't want to do it in the first place. Such is life.

Eating....I think I've eatin a total of 5 handfuls of goldfish crackers. Drank 2 cokes, a ton of water, a cripsy chicken salad from BK, like 10 fries, 4 starbursts and a half a lemon chicken sandwich since sunday. Oh wait...I had a cupful of beef fried rice and I MADE myself do that. Now that's not healthy eating by any means. I'm just not as hungry as I used to be. I feel my tummy but it doesn't "hurt" and food doesn't interest me. If I had the money I'd actually try to do something about it but as it is...I'm poorer than a mutha fucka. I can't even afford ramen. Such is life.

I'm just doing my best to get a job asap so i don't have to rely on stupid roomate for money. (which we would have things to fucking eat if he didn't spend all of MY money and his this fucking weekend to drink) I hate him for that. Hate hate hate him. Such is life. He's moving out next month. I can't stand to live with him cause he has that whole machismo thing going on. But whatever.

Can I just say I fucking HATE D.C. WEATHER! HEAT is one thing...but the fucking humidity! Maheo give me a break!

ick.

And home again

2005-08-17T18:46:00.001-04:00

Home

A child's morning laughter lingers soundly in the breeze.
Walking the careful path back home with gentleness and ease.
Do I know where I'm going? I suppose home is where I please.
Yet the word for home is empty cause I've seemed to lost my keys.

I can't help who I am right now though I know I can be more.
You've tapped my one insecurity and it pains me to the core.
Do I lay down and stay a victim? That's not what love is for.
My heart is at its strongest but how much more will it endure?

I can't help who I am right now though it's hard to be this weak.
I can't instantly give you answers or the happiness you seek.
I can no longer be a victim and pretend to be this meek.
I can only go on alone cause aggravation is all we speak.

I couldn't stand to love another. Even this I tried not to want.
I'm all the girl you needed but perhaps that was just a front.
I can't tell what I'm doing. My words are vague & blunt.
Maybe I fooled myself again and played an idiot savant.

Confusion is all that lingers. I don't know what I want for me.
Next to you is all I wanted and now that place I cannot be.
Does that mean that I give up, like I tend to easily?
Hell no. I'll just keep on going for one day, my love, you'll see.

I'll keep on trying harder so that you can never say I didn't do my best.
I'll continue to live my life for me so as to put your mind at rest.
Your challenge is for the better so I'll gladly accept this test.
So that when we look back at this time, it will just be all in jest.

My goals will come to fruition so that my soul I can appease
I'll continue to wear my ring and promise kept on bended knees.
So when a child's morning laughter still lingers in the breeze.
I can carefully walk back home with gentleness and ease.

How it feels to be "Home"....

2005-08-12T00:37:00.000-04:00

I think my dad pretty much summed up my world when he posed the question...

”How does it feel to be home? Or whatever you call home these days...”

I can't really say that I know what home feels like anymore. I think I've come to that point where I've jaded myself out so much that in a very cynical type of way I wouldn't know what "home" felt like even if it slapped me in the face. I live a lot of places. And many more places I am always welcome. I have a couch in Wyoming that will always be available to rest my head on. Martin has my D.C. escape when I need to get away. I know I’m always welcome to live at my grandma’s in Oklahoma. And the Harjo’s are more than happy to give me their surrogate daughter a spare room if I’m ever in Texas. The list goes on…

I think of the things I used to call home and wonder to myself where that feeling went or why I let it go. I live a restless life. I never know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I think I do. And all my plans always sound really good. But in the mean time I’m lost cause none of it motivates me or moves me in such a way that I’m eager to get to that point or that place I would like to call home.

I dunno…I was just thinking about that today as I was brushing my niece’s hair. I call her my mini me cause she totally reminds me of me when I was her age. Just sitting in the chair and brushing out all the tangles out of her long Seminole hair after she just got out of the bath reminded me of the countless times my mom used to do that for me. As a little girl I remember thinking to myself…one day I’ll get to do that for my daughter. That’ll be me brushing my daughter’s long black hair only I won’t give my girls Chinese eyes…ha ha ha.

Tucking her in and fighting with her about going to be touched a part of me I haven’t felt in a while. A part of me that I tend to ignore and once thought I could completely do without because being single for so long softly dulled away that longing. I think I let that part of me go as well when I had a miscarriage and lost my son. Losing him was probably one of the worst pains I have ever felt and I never really knew how much I wanted him til I found out he was gone. I let that part of me go because I never wanted to have that experience again.

All things being what they are I know I’m still probably not ready for that time and place where I can get back to being at “Home”. For now I take my comforts in the little things I do get and the little times in life where I can pretend nothing else is more important. Like when I get to play with and take care of my nieces and nephews, my “kids”. Or when I lie next to my beloved and can do nothing else but breathe in his comforts and my adoration for him. Or when my daddy hugs me and I can feel the strength of his love so much I want to cry every time. It’s the little things in life.

I don’t know where this blog is going…just random thoughts for the day I suppose.

A change will do you good...

2005-07-07T05:59:00.000-04:00

Good news/Bad news...

Good News...

My hair is getting longer! Yey!

Bad News...
I'm on my own again. Por que? Well lets just say alot of extra stuff outside of us got in the way. That & life just got the better of...I'll say me cause I can only be responsible for what I contributed to the relationship. Which in all honesty was nothing substantial...I'll just say there are only so many times a girl can be understanding before she finds herself alone. But those are the breaks I suppose. The prices we will happily pay to be with the ones we love.

Is it over over forever and ever..Hell no. My heart belongs to only one. But again...being only responsible for me. I have to be a little more established in life before I will choose to give up everything again to be in love. Which for me means paying people back for what they lent me over the past month...getting a real job or at least my old job back. And the grand plan of them all. Move to Seattle...and go to school. I'll write more about this later. But for now...that's just the World News Update.

Its funny. The number one reaction I get out of everyone when I tell them that for all intents and purposes...I'm alone again...people are like...Dang Spring, You were like a wild horse that no one could tame and then bam! Someone caught you and you claimed to have been tamed...

Maybe I just wasn't ready to be tamed and thats why it didn't work out. Maybe in the process of wanting to stand still, I figgited a little too much. Who knows. All I know is that, yes, everyone, I'm fine. Just cause I'm back to being miss independent doesn't mean that I stopped loving him or him me. Its just the breaks for this moment in time. He's still the one my heart belongs too. But my path still is going in a direction not quite parallel to his...

Maybe someday.

Fear is the path to the darkside...

2005-06-16T19:17:00.000-04:00

So recently me and Leslie have come into reality. Our reality as a couple. My move here was made on a whim...Our whim...without any real plan or thought to unwanted consequences. So of course, our consequences hit us smack in our face. And as it were...with all our dreams coming into fruition...we have a set-back...Right now I'm jobless living with my mother...at first just for a visit...then it was to take care of her because she is sick...and now it is out of necessity...not just cause my mom is sick...but because our home is being renovated. How long will that take? I don't know. Could be a long while. And in the midst of all this...we've equally become stressed with other things such as job, money, and family and had inturn reverted to our independent reactions rather than reacting as a partnership. Why? Cause that's what we do. It has put more than a slight strain on our resolve. More so me cause the Aries in me loves the dramatic. The Pisces in him takes the quiet cool route keeping feelings and fears within so as not to burden the populus. In turn, I have recently brought up old feelings and fears to compensate over the silence. Which if you're trying to keep a relationship going strong, then you have to recognize and let go of the heavy baggage you're bringing into the new one. I admit it...I've gone through every fear I've ever had in past relationship and made them somewhat real in this one. Some of my concerns aren't unfounded mind you. He learned at an early age to never reveal a weaknesses. It makes him good at what he does as person and a fuckin mighty fine chess player I might add. So with this process, I've come to learn a very different side of him I wasn't quite accustomed to. I've fallen victim to that yucky co-dependant mode where I make up excuses for him and on top of that started being whiney. Which I hate. That obviously doesn't work. So I tried to take the quiet route and that doesn't work either. The more I was quiet, the more the fears would fester and grow.

As someone wise once said..."Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." (I had to...hahahaha...)

Life isn't always going to be perfect. But if you take a step back and remember why this is real in the first place...and examine why this unexpected and unwanted moment in your relationship is happening...It's easier to let go of the things that seem so intrusive and abrupt. I have one of the biggest egos in the world. But I'm also one of the biggest closet romantics...I'm not perfect by any means...letting go because things aren't going my way isn't the answer...and I tend to give up easily when things aren't handed to me or my weakness is shown too early. My relationship isn't a chess game I'm trying to beat him at...If one of us is winning, then who is losing? All I know is that for all the things I don't got that I would profoundly like to have at this moment...all I have to do is remember that one moment...that perfect moment...where the all the lights of vegas went unoticed...during a very needed cab ride in december...when the words were sung in silence with gestures...interpreted by the king himself...I couldn't help falling in love...That moment captured my heart forever...

Something...

How do you keep a long distance relationship happy?

2005-05-14T21:47:00.000-04:00

Webcams baby....my man is haute...hahaha...

To the man who gave me life...

2005-05-13T13:45:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

My Father....

There's a certain sparkle in your eyes that seems to
captivate me. For the past 48 years you have lived and seen more than many could hope to dream. For the past 25 years you have loved me the best way you could and taught me everthing I know about being a powerful abundant leader. And that is what I will continue to strive to be. Your presence brings peace to all those who seek it and are therefore comforted. And have shown me what love could be so that I will never settle. I get my strengh and beauty through your eyes. And I can think of no other person in the world that I could have chosen to call my daddy.

Mvto for all that you are and all the you continue to be for me. Maheo has truely blessed us both..

I love you, Daddy.

Love,
Sunshine

Left: My dad Right: Me.

My Friend Dirty D!

2005-05-12T12:50:00.000-04:00

DirtyD's ish...

I love this girl to death. She's wicked awesome.

I need some Gratitude to go with my Coffee...

2005-05-11T16:26:00.000-04:00

This morning my best friend brought me some coffee cause he knows I was butt ass tired and needed it. Not only did he get it but he didn't have to ask me which flavor I prefer...He remembered for like the first time ever that I like Carmel Macchiato's...I know it doesn't sound like alot...but its awesome when you're best friends just know things about you and you don't have to ask...

If that made any sense...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Benji. You're my Angel...I love you.

Yeah I'm a fuckin geek..what's new...

2005-05-06T08:35:00.000-04:00

*New Star Wars Layout...hell yes.

*Took the day off...hell yes.

*Got my ticket to the Wy (6:30 am/19th)...hell yes.

*Put my two weeks notice in at work yesterday...hell yes.

*they're gonna try to transfer me so I won't have a break in service(Fed Gov rocks)...hell fucking yes.

*My daddy is starting to miss me already...Suck.

*Its been a year and a half on myspace and it still rocks my face...hell yes.

*Cinco de Mayo was funny...particularly when the birthday girl wanted to feel my boobs and then got all shamed out like a virgin after she did....all 3 times...funny.

*Good weekend a coming on...hell yes.

Call it paranoia...

2005-05-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

Shit is going to hit the fan today. I have this amazing dreadful feeling in my stomach. Call it intuition. Call it paranoia. Things have been going so well with my significant other that it isn't bound to last for long. That and I had the shittiest scary dream last night. A dream that makes no sense but still managed to scare the fuck out of me.

So me and a friend of mine decide to crash at my grandparents house of all places (located in bumfuck oklahoma) and when we get there this is this very strange man dressed in a dark black trench coat and he had no face. Just a grey blur...and he was drunk. So my grandma told him to sleep in on the other side of the house. Just being around him in my dream gave me a creepy feeling.(*side note the last time I felt like that is when these spirits were bothering me when I was 5) So I walk him to his room to make sure he goes in there and then I try to find a room on the opposite side of the house close to my grandparents room but for some reason all the rooms are taken. So we end up having to sleep in the living room. My friend wants to sleep in another room close to the guy cause there is one free but I flat out refuse but at the same time I don't wanna be left alone by any circumstances cause I'm deathly afraid of the dark. Then all of a sudden my dead best friend's (still living I presume but not sure) dad comes to me in my dream. He starts performing a medicine ceremony for me. Smoking me with sweet grass and sage and praying for me. This manages to calm me down and then he rubs salt water on the back of my hand with a green cloth. Salt water with sage oil. He continues to massage the back of my hand and pray for me and I become amazingly calm. Then a co-worker of my mine from work whom I have no real contact with comes and sits next to me on the couch I'm sitting on. She doesn't say anything but she has this potted plant sittin on her lap for some reason I'm compelled to just touch. Not the plant itself but the soil. I rest my hand there. The next thing I know I get up and i'm in the kitchen with my sister Kelli who is very pissed off that my little brother Michael is drunk. I manage to dodge him cause I don't want to deal with him and he whines to Kelli he only had a little rum to drink with his coke...she's hella fucking pissed and in the process of telling me this...the door to the garage that's next to me slightly opens. I was like What the fuck...a draft...then when I try to close it I find it won't close. I try to push it back and then I realize someone is trying to push it back open. I then jerk it all the way open and I see this man standing in front of me he's slightly balding with brownish hair and eh's wearing a suit. I know that doesn't sound meanacing but his eyes...just something about his eyes woke me straight out of my sleep crying.

I didn't even wanna open my eyes when I was awake for fear I might see something I wasn't prepared to see. (i.e. spirits, lights, or energy...Its been happening often around me lately...I've chosen to ignore most of it for the most part)I was so scared that even the comfort of knowing my best friend was mere feet away didn't comfort me. I laid there for like ten minutes and prayed that Leslie by some miricle call me. I finally had to wake my friend Ben up like a little damn kid and tell him I had a bad dream. He sat with me til I went to sleep. That was no fun. A shit and a half really. I had a better dream right after that. I saved a girl from committing suicide by getting her to appricate herself and all of Maheo (god/Grandfather/Great mystery or whathaveyou) creations, the colous, the tranquility...

It's all something. And I still have this bad feeling. It could be that its still just reverberating from the dream...but...yeah...something.

I am...whatever you say I am...

2005-04-30T04:43:00.000-04:00

"If I wasn't then why would you say I am?" ~ Eminem...

Tonite was just one of those nights. One of those nights you're not really interested in having...but having the memory of one person is worth enduring all else...

I love my sister to death...that's all I'll say. That and I'm truely happy and proud that she landed a fucking kick ass job. WTG, my love.

For the rest of the people involved with tonite. Thank you. I truely had a lovely night. Cassie was awesome...Doofie...you're a fabulous dancer...you just don't know it yet...and Shannon...a class all her own...

And for the hour and a half conversation I had with my (future) husband...It was great my love. I miss you soo fucking much it makes my heart sick but at the same time so joyous that I even have someone to love and miss that much. I know it's a miricle that people should love and want another as we do...but I cherish and am humbled and grateful to be so blessed.

You're the best, you're the best, you're the best. I wanna say sorry for the tears but I'm not...You're heart should be physically next to mine always. I'll accept that it is here spiritually and be content. I pray I'll always get that nicotine like rush of adreniline rush I get when you utter those 3 perfect words to me.

I love you.

Randoms

2005-04-26T01:29:00.000-04:00

[Shameless website plug?...I think so...]

Even though it's not finished yet...

And jury Duty blows ass, can I just tell you that...

21 more days til I make the big move...

Went to the carival last night and had a blast.

This picture rocks my face:

I should be in bed but I'm not.

Krispy Kreme for breakfast me thinks...

My inner child...

2005-04-23T21:07:00.000-04:00

I just had a very eye opening conversation with my father regarding a certain part of me that is buried so deep I’ve become numb to it. Something that’s been a pain and affects my life so that it keeps me overweight, it keeps me in debt, it keeps me from achieving or even striving for my dream and it keeps me from expanding my already awesome life. Basically what it all boils down to is that I’m not worthy or more specifically, I am not a worthy person. It’s what kept me from Leslie so long that if it wasn’t for him knowing better and looking deeper than the front I was putting up, I would still be wandering lost doing nothing.

I think I’m not worthy. Something very deep inside believes without a shadow of a doubt that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to have money. I’m not worthy to be fit, I wasn’t worthy of Leslie, I’m not worthy of affecting native children’s lives in a way that changed the world. I’ve become an expert at being numb to my pain. I do have moment thats I enjoy and I enjoy in spite of myself but it all seems to be short lived because this belief creeps upon me and plays on all my fears. I start to think to myself I don’t deserve it so I should stop being happy I got it.

Why?

Because sometime a long time ago someone told that little child inside me that he* wasn’t worthy and he wouldn’t amount to anything. He is the one that keeps me from accepting most of reality cause I am forever catering to his bruised ego. He’s also kept me going and without him I wouldn’t be here today. But that’s a wound that I need to heal and quickly before I start another cycle in my new life with Leslie. (*Yes my inner child is a boy hence two-spirited)

I don’t have an immediate resolution to this revelation but I thought I would lay it down so I can come up with a solution. If I don’t then I’ll continue to ignore it and perpetuate this seemingly never ending cycle on my future husband and our kid(s). And right now they mean more to me than holding on to this negativity...

Something.

On very mini-haitus...

2005-04-21T01:03:00.000-04:00

I got picked for Jury Duty...whoopty do...5 business days and however long we deliberate...fun fun fun...bleh...

basically up the creek without a paddle til then...good times.

Noche Del Fuego

2005-04-18T09:30:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I couldn't resist the urge to go and dance the night away yet again with the beautiful Latin hawtness of D.C.

Us before we went in the club...Drunk already perhaps?

The club is already crunk and jumpin...we walked in like super modles that owned the joint.

Doing a once over to check out the tasty morsels...

But not before we load up on drinkies...

The rest of the night consisted of Flamenco...

Drag Queen Divaz

Sexy Latin Boys(above Martin below, Rudolpho, Danny, and I forget his name...)

More Alk...

ass grabbing and breastesez appriciation...

All in all a good night...notice how we look more sober than when we went in...hahaha..good times...

It's Friday and I'm bored...

2005-04-15T16:16:00.000-04:00

Read the question, go to google.com, type your answer in the search box, look under images, post an image that comes up as a result. Capishe?

1. Your first car?

It was red and not shiney at all...but it was mine and took me across the country and back again...

2. Where you grew up?

Fort Hall, Idaho...REZ life.

Small town life...loved it...

3. Where you live now?

My "Home"...I'll miss it...

4. Your name?

Surprise, Surprise...

5. Your grandmother's name?

Katie

Alfreda

6. Favorite food?

Indian Tacos are teh bomb...my sisters/mom's especially

7. Favorite drink?

Dr. Pepper

8. Favorite song?

Come back to me - Janet Jackson

9. Favorite smell?

Early Morning Rain

10. Last thing you ate?

Burger King...yey

Love is a many spelendored thing...

2005-04-11T00:29:00.000-04:00

When you're in love...

A lot of people want to dismiss what you feel really quickly. They want to say, "Oh, you're just fooling yourself" "There is no such thing as a soul mate. There is no such thing as true love". And to them I say. How do you know if you've never been there? How do you know until you KNOW you've been there?

Being "in love" is disguised as many things....as incredible like, as incredible lust, as incredible co-dependency. All of those things, I find, can be easily mistaken as being "in love". And all of those things...as beautiful as they can appear are things that can be easily turned into something ugly…something that can easily be manipulated into something mean and sometimes horrific.

It’s not always easy to tell the difference but for me I know that I already know without a shadow of a doubt I've found my soul mate. I've found the one man in the whole world that wants nothing other than to please, satisfy and enjoy my being…to breathe and embrace my soul. Why do I know that he's the one...above all beings...him? For me, it’s because it's always been him. Since the first day we met he's been the one person in my life that I knew would never let me down on purpose (Not including my family). He's the one man in the world that ever got me to feel my thoughts and feelings meant something to someone. The first ever conversation we had was and probably still is the best conversation I've ever had with someone in my life. When I met him, I knew the man was amazing but I didn't catch that "love at first sight" bug. Cause at the time i didn't believe in it. I was very happily single. I was (am) beautiful, funny, sane, and ~~available~~. I needed not a boyfriend or any single person to be attached to. I loved it that way.

And ever since that first night, we both knew for what ever reason we had something. We had this undeniable connection that I knew regardless of everything, that I would be in his life for life always and he in mine in some way shape or form. Being his girlfriend (I don't like the word girlfriend, I prefer "lova") never crossed my mind for a slew of reasons. He lived 2000 miles away, he wasn't my type, I was living the good bi-sexual single life style...so on so forth. And being his lover never crossed my mind not because he wasn't gorgeous and sexy but because I respected the hell out of him to no end. I think he's probably the only person I've ever come to respect (In my age category) that much.

Its amazing how one moment can change your life. Its amazing how one person can be so devoted and loving without reciprocation and just going on a belief, an idea....a "know". How a simple idea can bring about such chaos and infamy and how all these thoughts and ideas in a single moment hit you like a 2x4 smack in the head and you're like DUH!

I always knew in my heart that Jason was perfect from me. Not for all the aesthetic reasons but for the biggest one of all. He loves me unconditionally (which that sentence to me is redundant cause if love is "conditional" than it isn't love...but that's a whole different blog)....that and he was persistent as hell. I know in my heart that he will never be anything but honest, loving, and 100% with me (as far as our relationship goes) and I in turn easily and gratefully do the same for him. Jason really is my "soul mate" we're so much alike it's funny sometimes. Just minor things like him saying something I was thinking of just then. Just those little ghey moments that make you take a step back and smile at.

I guess the whole point of this is that love doesn't look like what you're expecting it too. It's great to have standards and it's great to know what you want. But I believe, in order to actually receive those things you gotta be willing to be open...and you gotta be willing to forget your beliefs on what love is suppose to be. Love is not age, race, gender or class. It just is. And if I never learned that from my beautiful two-spirited father...than I would never have met the man with whom I adore to no end, respect and can't wait to experience the rest of this lifetime (and the next).
fin

Thank you, Leslie Jason Shakespeare, for finding me and believing in us. Thank you for believing that much in the possibility that as far as I was concerned was an impossibility. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be as unbelievably happy as I am right now and the sooner we're together...the sooner this world will never fucking be the same. I love you, baby. I'll see you soon.

Cherry Blossoms...

2005-04-05T23:46:00.000-04:00

I just love this time of year! Spring TIME!

I miss my self-worshipping days...

2005-04-05T09:19:00.000-04:00

I've let my self slip ALOT in the past couple months. Not only have I gained like 10 lbs but I don't even try to put make up on, even when I go out! WTF My hair is uninspiring to say the least. I'm still on the cusp of growing it out or getting another cute short cut. But then again...for some reason it's been put in my head that I am now officially "fat". *gag* I don't feel like it but crap I'm not gonna go around and be all emporer's new clothes if I have a fat head. Which I guess just means to me I need start buckling down and quit with the trill excuses not to fucking get out and run. I haven't ran in forevers. Something. I guess I just miss the excitement of putting on make-up and taking pictures of myself. Just to say damn I'm cute. I didn't care if anyone else thought so...I did. Bleh..something.

Hahahaha...I swear I conjur the most retarded music on my launchcast jootbox...hahaha...random songs that I need to get me out of my rut.

I get it Michael...I'm Bad.

LMAO...Get over myself, like whoa.

My thoughts on Marriage...(too early in the morning)

2005-04-04T09:37:00.000-04:00

A question was posed in the Native Pride forum on what marriage means to me and how I would define it. Someone already said it was more about commitment than love and to a certain extent I agree...so here was my response:

I agree with Malynda when they say it's more about commitment than love. Although, I wouldn't being getting married if I didn't truely love the person I'm with. For me getting married isn't about the benefits or a legal name change, it's about promising our lives to each other before Maheo, our families and the people we love that we'll put each other first and stay committed to one another. It's a day to celebrate that commitment to each other and a time for our families to meet and become one. Its the point and time where families bless the two beings that have came before them, promised to have each other's best interest at heart and for them to either agree or disagree it's a good match. In any event, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I'm going to be with someone for the rest of my life. I just want the opportunity to promise before my family and his that this is the only person that I want in my life, to raise my kids (or not if you don't want any), who knows without a shadow of a doubt I want my plug pulled, that I trust will have OUR (and OUR family/future family's) best interest at heart above his own and I inturn will do the same.

Marriage isn't for everyone. Some people think they need marriage to complete them as a human. Some will never get married if only for the simple fact is that they don't need to or want to and that's great. Marriage isn't necessary for everyone but if you choose to do it don't do it cause it sounds good or seems like the right thing to do. Do it cause it's important to you and it means something to you and you're ready to put your integrity on the line.

Marriage is everyone's right and until it's legal for everyone, it's a taken for granted priviledge that we should take seriously or not do at all.

My cheap two cents.

How ghey is ghey...

2005-04-01T09:47:00.000-05:00

My friends begged me and Leslie to take this shot. We got like $5 and free shots to do it...hahaha...suckers.

GHEY ALERT!!

________________________

For my love who I just left at the airport:
My love, My life. I can't express how much this week has meant to me. It hasn't really sunk in yet that you're probably waiting on the runway right now and that soon you'll be about 2,000 miles from the where our heads awoke just hours ago. And yeah moment by moment it does get a little harder, but you're always with me in whatever I do. And I miss you like crazy right now even though I can't change this ghey Celine Dion song playing (my heart will go on) on my launchcast, I suppose it's perfect for the moment. Jason I love you. You are the best and you are mine. As much as I wanna think the neurotic thoughts about us I can't. I deserve you and we belong together. What's meant to be will always be and soon enough we'll be the family we're meant to be. Time doesn't go slow enough when we're together or fast enough when we're apart. Just know that I love you. That's all that matters. And you suck cause you didn't give me my ring dammat. (But I understand why) *giggles* Kisses from me2u to share w/Abby.

The Birthday...

2005-03-29T08:37:00.000-05:00

My bithday was the awesomo from beginning to last. I woke up to the one I love whom I hadn't seen since the beginning of February. That was probably better than best even though he woke me up @ 9 on a Saturday. (We'll have to work on that one babe) Then my daddy calls with the traditional "Happy Birthday to Spring" song. My day never starts til he calls me. *smile* I took him to the Bagel shop (a must do if you ever find yourself a guest in my humble abode) and I got me a delicious pepperoni pizza bagel and he got one as well.

My sister comes by after "breakfast" and offers to take me to Costco for some shopping debauchery (which mainly consisted of us pushing eachother around in those large ass shopping carts) and did a little sisterly bonding. It was the first time Kelli and Leslie met but they got along like they were friends the whole time, as far as (almost) in-laws go. We got into a minor tiff with the check out lady cause she was going through metopause or something so I turned on the annoyance dial up higher and took my sweet ass time. We left satisfied we had won the "customer is always right" battle. She took us back home with our gargantuan supplies. We saw my dad who was on his way to an AA meeting and my brother who had just bought me the only gift I truely wanted for my birthday. My MP3 player. Sometimes I half expect my family to always get me the wrong device other than the one I ask for but to my surprise, Ivan bought me the perfect one in red. *sigh* My brother is the best.

I downloaded 53 songs on that joint and it's r0x0rz.

After that we basically lied in bed all day and watched Eternal Sunshine since I hadn't seen it since then. Leslie's favorite as opposed to my favorite which is the notebook. It was a one of the truely better movies I've seen. Kate Winslet reminds me alot of myself in that movie and maybe I would go so far as to say Leslie reminds me of Jim Carrey. We mirror them in many ways but all in all the movie was kinda trippy. I reget I didn't get the whole feel cause falling asleep slobbering on Leslie was just too too tempting. Poor baby. *smirk* But I basically got the jist.

I finally started to get ready around 4ish cause I had to be up @ Kelli's by 6:30. She HATES it when I'm late. I start getting all dolled up in my pretty pretty fiftiesish dress. Fix my hair in a cute pony tail and get my bangs just so. I put on my favorite perfum in all the right places (not the crotch mind you cause alcohol burns your shit..haha). I put on my pretty watch that Ryan's mom had bought me when we were in the bahamas. I put on my cute black shoes that totally fit my little retro theme. They were perfect. I put my make up on with the thick black liner only on the top and some neutral shadow on my lids. I pretty maroonish lipstick and I was ready to go. Perfect. I was SUPPOSE to go get my nails done but I couldn't resist the "us" time so I had to settle for fake lee press-ons. I regret not wearing any jewelery but by that time were were like 10 minutes late already and I know Kelli was gonna have a conniption fit.

So we ran as fast as we could to hop on the train. And of course, it had to be broke down on one track so we'd be even later. I tend to get flustered alot so I broke out the MP3 player and me and Leslie banged my jams for a bit. We ended the train ride perfectly to The Way You Look Tonite by Eric Clapton and I Will Love You by Fisher (currently playing in the background) We hopped off the train and lucky for us Kelli wasn't all that pissed cause my dad called and was like 10 minutes behind us so the blame got put on him. She had to go to the store quickly anyways cause she didn't buy any candles for my cake. We scooped up the candles, scooped up the pops and got on our way to Tower Oaks Lodge for my birthday dinner. We arrived right on Indian time and checked in...Kina, Benz, Beans and Seneca were already there. We sat and a little later Joey and Roacha show up. We sit and chat and Kelli makes a toast thanking everyone for coming. In addition to the Marlbro cards, the dress, the MP3 player, I also recieved 2 bouquets of flowers, a subscription to cosmo, a really kewl swatch watch, and a pretty necklace that I wore with my dress. Awesome. After everyone was fat and happy we decided to call it a night and the "old" people went home whilst we finished our evening out drinking and laughing. It was a great night all in all and I couldn't ask for a better birthday. My sister is the best for planning it all. And everyone else for making me feel so loved. Maheo truely blessed my day and I know that turning 25 is gonna be one of the best things to ever happen to me. ;)

Ciao, Bailas.

Who says smoking cigarettes don't count for something?

2005-03-26T15:53:00.000-05:00

Marlbro sent me a pack of cards for my birthday...how cool is that?!

Happy Birthday to ME!

It's raining and I need the day to go faster.

2005-03-23T14:02:00.000-05:00

It's raining. I love the rain. But I don't when I can't enjoy
it. Being at work when it's raining sux cause I have to deliver
things in between buildings and I have no umbrella. :(
Right now I would love more than anything to be in my bed, covers up, listening to Miles Davis, lights off, candles lit, a glass of Merlot, and my
sweetie. Just like this...

*sigh*

The Red Lake Tragedy

2005-03-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

A teenage high school student killed nine people, including his grandfather, and wounded more than a dozen others before turning the gun on himself in a shooting spree on the Red Lake Reservation in Minnesota on Monday."

http://www.indianz.com/News/2005/007147.asp

My heart goes out to those that have gone home to the Maheo, those that were injured and all their families. No one is promised tomorrow. So let us be thankful we were given one more day and live it as if today was our last.

Is it the way he loves me?

2005-03-21T16:33:00.000-05:00

Something.

This morning started out okay for the most part. I wasn't at all upset that I had to go all the way back to the Big Hunt to pay for Ivan's stupid bill. Or that Ivan was too drunk to do anyone good. I don't wanna say I'm over getting drunk but lately watching him and then literally almost slapping the shit out of some girl on the metro cause she wouldn't wake up for shit. I'm like. Hmm...not so attractive all of a sudden. But besides all that. It was good. I called Leslie to tell him I love him cause he's in Orlando and I missed his calls last night. He tells me that his cousin wrecked his mom's car. Werd. That blows squirrel nuts. Still not so bad but kinda put a damper on my morning. Then I get to work and my sister sends me this SAD ass email about the really huge blowout she had with her husband. I've never seen my sister so upset and I friggen HATE when she's upset. Anyone else. Doesn't bother me. Her..she has/is/was my life and always will be. So on, so forth. That really put a damper on my morning. Then Jason IM's me and we exchange our usual witty banter. Not really...just loathesome, make me warm inside gheyness. Then he gets the call that the cousin almost died by OD'ing on meth. Werd. What a morning. :(

It's times like that when I really question why we're not together right now. My only excuse for being here is that A: Family B: My apt. My apt. is the only thing holding me back cause my lease is up at the end of June. So until then it's me and him flying back and forth for small moments in time. He's coming here Friday for my birthday. ;) He lands @ 11:55pm on Friday night and he'll probably be the first thing I see on my birthday. (12:00 AM Saturday 25th) It's funny that as the days get shorter...they get hell of alot slower. Pleh.

Oh yeah and Kelli found out that I knew about my "surprise" party. She was hella fucking pissed. As far as I knew Leslie was flying in the day after my birthday. But she wrongly assumed I knew about Leslie flying out to surprise me for my birthday. Then she was mad at herself for spilling the beans. So she just told me what would have happened had I not known a thing:

We were gonna arrive late and I was gonna see all my friends. (Surprise) Then he was going to come out with the waiter with a cake he baked himself and sing Happy Birthday to me.(surprise) :*} That would have been hella awesome. But oh well. What's meant to be will always be. I love that kid 2 death.

Dave & Buster's with Kevinege

2005-03-19T18:04:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like spending a night with good friends. This is

me and Kevin @ Dave & Busters last night. I haven't hung with

him in like foreverz! Since January I guess. Kevin is just

one of those friends that I have nothing in common except we like to

dork it up and get all krunk. His girlfriend Annie is also as

equally awesome. I had a great time. If I wasn't still in a

daze I'd write more. But I guess the only hightlight is that we

got stuck in an elevator...first time for me. We had to bust out

of that joint. Luckily someone was a superman and pried tha doors

for us. Werd 2 yo mutha. haha..Later

duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nah...you say it's yur berfday...

2005-03-18T20:31:00.000-05:00

Yep...that's right kids...25...OMGz.

As an Aries I think it's always my duty to officially announce to world that countdown that is my birthday. Just cause in real life I'm a huge brat and I want EVERYONE to notice me. It's my day. An important day. The day I was born. And people around me will worship accordingly or perish greatly! Muahaha. Every year for my birthday since I was five (except for some tomboy years) I've always gotten 2 things for my birthday. A pretty new dress and a kite. I really don't know what the kite is about. It's just one of those things that give me simple pleasure. Keeping with that kid like quality. But the dress...I try to spare no expense And is a must have.(i.e. have someone else pay for the joint...hahaha) and this year my dad stepped up to the plate for this one. I went to the phat girl store to find me something suitable and fashiony that was guarenteed to have my size. I looked all around and didn't particularly find anything that jumped out at me. And then my sister suggested a strapless number in either green or black. She told me to try it on for shits and giggles. So I do. I took one look in the mirror and I felt like a diva. This was it...the dress...in black. Of course...me having no money I ever so coyly asked my dad for a $100 dollar loan to which he gladly paid for it cause it was my birthday. (My dad is the best) So here's what the dress looks like.

&
I need protection from the elements!

Muahaha...so that's kewl. My love is going to buy me the shoe to complete the outfit and I'm gonna get my nails did and a pedicure. I can't wait!

So yeah...life is peachy keen today. Last night was kind of a bust cause we really didn't do anything. We went the obligatory native hang out Buffalo Billiards and had a few but it was just my usual krew. Patrick, Roacha, Hoshi, and a unusual appearance by my roomate Benji who's finally off house arrest. Woopie! It was fun. I got a little krunk on non-green beer and shot some pool with my bad ass skillz. It was an okay night I suppose.

I think I look a little drunk but oh well. Good times. ;)

St. Patty's Day and things to come...

2005-03-17T16:12:00.000-05:00

I usually don't like celebrating holidays that have nothing to do with me. (I.E. Canada Day & Passover) but St. Patricks Day is just one of those fun holidays you just got to get into the spirit of if you're an alkie. Muahaha. I dunno what I'm going to do tonite..but I must sacrafice myself to the Alkie gods and drink some green beer somewhere. Somewhere...out there...beneathe the pale moon light...yes...green beer.

*popdorkpop*

Oh yeah...I'm turning 25 soon...whoopty fuckin do

Oh yeah...and I have the best geeks in the world as friends cause I found me a pirated copy of Oregon Trail. You know you rocked Oregon Trail back in the day! Muahahaha...fucking sweet!

Pretty blah day.

2005-03-16T17:03:00.000-05:00

I had my weekly lunchery with my sister. We went to Fuddruckers and stuffed ourselves silly. Amber (my niece) is finally getting used to me. She's usually a devout momma's girl and needs mother in her site at all times or else she becomes Crabby Patty. I managed to get her to smile and laugh while mom got our food. Now if I could get her to stop frowning whenever she sees me. That would be a crowning achievement. I've been longing to hang out with my kiddies more often. I don't see them enough. Tristan still hasn't seen Limitty Snicketts(sp?) yet...it's playing in VA...maybe I'll kidnap himz. Boring post but whatevers.

OH YEAH!

2005-03-14T13:47:00.000-05:00

Alan Jackson - Here in the Real Word
Alan Jackson - Don't Rock the Jukebox
Alan Jackson 0 A Lot About Livin (And a Little 'Bout Love)
Blackstreet - Blackstreet
Aerosmith - Just Push Play
CoCo Lee - Just No Other Way
Lenny Kravitz - 5
D'Angelo - Brown Sugar (whole album)
R. Kelly - R. Kelly
Reo Speedwagon - The Hits

10 Full Length CD for a fawkken dollar each. Now that's what I'm talkin about! I haven't been able to find CoCo Lee anywhere now a days without paying import prices so I was siced to find the whole freakin CD @ lunch @ the dollar CD store. I love that freakin store. Reo Speedwagon? Hell yes! HooWah! Alan Jacksons first 3 CD's for a dollar. Rock on! This totally made my morning.

Update:

I'm An Intern In New York

This is my new favortie blog. Fawking hillarious! Not native but I couldn't resist.

Just one of those days..

2005-03-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

"I beatbox in the shower" ~ The Jo'est

Gawd dammat...that shit made me laugh so hard yesterday. Why? I have no clue why. The Jo'est is this crazy navajo chick in SLC. (That narrows it down tons right? hahaha) I love her. She's is witty, sarcastic and goofy. And I'll stop gushing there. Myspace rocks..that's all I'll say.

Being the moderator for Native Pride is soo much fun. I've got the power. It has it's ups and downs but overall I'm glad it's just another boring messageboard people never come to... Especially now that I'm doing Native Prider of the week. That rocks sox. People seem to enjoy it so we'll see how far that goes. I love when people announce that their leaving. I don't really know what the point of that is but whatever. One lady wrote me her life story and when I agreed to disagreed on a couple of points...She gets all crybaby on me and gives me this scenario of a tragic event in her past. She was like you don't know what that feels like. I was like "just because I'm 24 doesn't mean I've never had to deal with that situation. I've done it...twice thank you. The difference between me and you is that I'm not a victim. I don't blame others for my problems or hide behind what was "taken" from me. I take responsiblity for what I had a hand in doing and it seriously doesn't bother me. People have no control over me or my feelings. And for you to let a handful of teenagers victimize you is your biz. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" ~ Elenor Roosevelt You're 48...Grow up." /rant

Something...

Oh yeah. And I'm going to Gathering of Nations this year. Hooray! I hope Stephanie goes cause i miss her ass already. I should set up a myspace meet. That would be a hoot. hahaha. Werd. OH YEAH! Aaaaaaaand...I get to meet the ex while I'm there...good effin times. I can't wait for that one. She doesn't know about me. Fun Fun Fun.

As always...Such is life and I am blessed.

They dun fuckt up now...

2005-03-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

Tell me why the job from hell has to be close to some bomb ass shopping that I could never leave! AND to top it all off...they put a freakin Target like a block away from where I work...in the middle of a freakin city...the middle...it's weird...but I'm in totally freakin love. Me and my sister Kelli went today. It's so well hidden that there were probably 20 customers in there...and its so new...that whatever you could possibly want in the toy aisle is still probably there. Complete heaven...

A quick note about me and Kelli...I know that she is my soul mate and we travel the universe together if only to fucking laugh at everything. All we have to do is look at each other and we can read each other's thoughts. That and we can fucking laugh like no other at nothing and everything and even the stupidest shit in the world. That's just us...it's a gift and a curse. I'm sure even her 17 month old is embarressed to be seen with us sometimes because we can make a scene. Hookers sweat in church...We fucking burst into laughter. We can't sit together in church what so ever. Catholic Churches don't like us...

So case in point, as we started our wayward journey through the virgin target and the first aisle happens to be cards. Engagement cards, St. Patrick Day cards, Thank you cards and of course the tried and true birthday cards. Seeing as how my love's birthday was yesterday she was like...dude...I should totally get Jason a joke card. I was like YEAH! Get him something with Ponies on it that says For a special little girl. We snicker a little and that was it...its on from there. It seemed every card we picked up was like THEE perfect funny card ever. We found Barbie cards, Disney cards, For Female cards and so on. Every card was funnier than the last. I was choking on the air. I couldn't breathe. I'm sure by now your waiting for some great punch line or lead up but I got nothing...Why we found any of those dumb cards hillarious, I'm sure I can't remember. But we did settle for a card in the shape of a pink poodle head with googly eyes that said to the perfect princess. Classic. If he doesn't love it, too bad, cause we did. Muahahaha...I felt sorry for Amber her 17 month old...She managed to tune us out and amuse her self for the 10 minutes it took us to calm down from laughing. I love my sister.

WHICH REMINDS ME!

My other sibling has decided to come home back to D.C. By some miricle my 29 year old brother...my favorite brother is moving back to D.C. from New Orleans. I'm fuzzy on the reasons but I'm extatic! I love him. If he wasn't so much of a drunk he would be my idol. Shit...he still is. The kewlest artist I know. When Him, I and Kelli get together...fucking magic happens I swear. Like really odd shit...I'm sure you'll hear about soon enough. He'll be here on Sunday. I can't effin wait. ;)

I love you Iv!

Enough of the Ghey stuff...

2005-03-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

This right cheeeyah cracked me the fuck up. I hope to be that bored someday! Gah!

(Time and Post-it notes)

click the link!

Happy Birthday, My love...

2005-03-09T21:08:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to a son with beautiful eyes.
Happy Birthday to the man who owns my heart.
Happy Birthday to the being within my love lies.
and the one I'll pledge...death do us part.

A year ago I could have never imagined loving someone so much but I do. And honestly, if anyone would have told me a year ago that one day I would be marry you for real, I would have laughed them out of the city. I don't know exactly how or why we happened. I don't know out of all the people in dc you could have contacted last year in January you happened to picked me. How could we have possibly known when we met what we rejoice in now. Our love for each other. And to think all it took was a sign language serande in a cab in Vegas. It may have taken a while for my mind to catch up with my heart but I'm sure you'll agree we were worth the wait.

Happy Birthday, Leslie. I hope the past year has been one of your best cause I know the year to come will be even better. I love you and I can't wait to see you again in a few weeks, my love. All I want for my birthday is you.

Sick for the trillionth time? Heck yesssss.....

2005-03-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

This morning I woke up to the sound of a ringing telephone. Six thirty in the effin morning. Any other person calls me that early will have exactly 10 seconds to give me sufficient reason why I should not have their nipples removed promptly from their body. Fortunately, it was Jason, giving me a wake up call, wishing me a pleasant day and a quick reminder that, yes, in fact, he does love me. Probably one of my better mornings I believe. He’s nipples will stay.

And despite my outwardly appearance, I'm slowly but surely coming out of this crappy seasonal depression. I’ve been sick 4 times during so with maybe 2 weeks of “healthy” in between. How can I tell I’m coming out then? I actually paid my bills which I’ve been avoiding for about 2 months now. My cell phone bill has been off for a freakin month. Not only cause I just didn’t want to but because I couldn’t afford the damn thing. $578.53. pleh. It's not that I talk a lot...anyone who has ever had a convo with me knows I don't call anyone often ever. But apparently being the smert one that I am I don't have nation-wide long distance and when I went to Atlanta/Las Vegas/Florida I ran up quite a pretty bill as you can tell. And if it wasn't for my tax return and my bonus that would never have been paid. So much for extra money. :{P

I’m sick again. I’m at work. Its raining…nay…I take that back snowing now. I feel like physical crap. God shoot me now.

It was a beautiful 70 degrees outside yesterday. Even with the wind in my face it felt awesome. One of the best days I’ve felt (weather wise) all year. I even went to dinner with my good friend Leigh and we went to Chipotle. We gossiped about our lives and I let her in on the little secret that was my fianc?. I missed her. There was also something about yesterday and last night in particular that I was just certain I would run into him whom I’ve been avoiding for going on 3 years now? Damn. 3 years. How I manage to run into this guy at the fucking most random places I have no clue. If anyone who can recall me mentioning now and then “the French guy” here and there, he is who I’m referring. But yes, every three months I can “feel” him coming. And as I got my root beer pop from the machine I was like “Leigh, watch this…This French Guy is going to come and find me…I haven’t seen him in 3 months and somehow he always manages to find me” And sure enough as I was in mid-story he walks up behind me and proceeds to give me a hug and kiss on each cheek. Why I feign being happy to see him…I have no clue. He stays awhile to grill me as to why I’m hiding out and I never call (I haven’t called him in 2 ? years! Get a clue!) and when we’ll hang out again. I tell him my phone is off (cause thank god right then it was) and he’ll have to write me an email. We exchange email and he continues on his little French way.

Leigh just laughs at me. I tell her the whole story of back in my much younger mind state days we dated briefly. Why? Who the fuck knows! He’s obviously much older than me. He’s a tad shorter than me. He has bad European teeth and bleh…I dunno. God I still don’t. And even scarier still I specifically stopped dating him because it freaked me out that I actually liked him. Wonders never cease. I believe that people are put in your life for a reason. If they keep coming back it’s because you have something unresolved with them and if you don’t fix in this life you’ll deal with it in the next. Until you get it right. Pleh…I’ll get it right someday, perhaps…right now it still just creeps me out.

Dreams do come true...

2005-03-06T17:49:00.000-05:00

The Chevelle concert rawked like no other last night....that's all I have to say. Oh yeah...Love it....More laters...

(Click here for more pix)

Soo......

2005-03-04T10:31:00.000-05:00

I have a Tres' boring layout because I can't find a layout that suits me or is "my style". So until then...I'm just gonna mess with this ish...bleh...boring...

BEGIN RANT:
I've gained 12 freakin pounds in the past 2 months. WTF. Why? This is the biggest I've been ever. I can't be like this. I can't do this. This is sick and unnecessary. I feel like I don't eat that much. But obviously not the case. I don't feel depressed but people that know me the best and I don't have to put my shining smile on for constantly ask me whats wrong. I don't feel like anything is wrong. Everything in my life is okay. It's not tip top. I dunno maybe I've been in depressino denial. hahaha...just as I was writing this...my sister sends me this...

The Oprah Boot Camp Commitment

Like she was reading my thoughts that girl. I swear we were suppose to be twins.

That's beside the point. Point is...I'm tired of being overweight. I've been overweight ever since I was 19. When I was 17 I was 5'7" and 150. Not uber skinny (like I like) but not in the least what I would consider fat. :\ Then I moved to dc, had a full time boyfriend that I lived with for 4 years and we ate out all the damn time. And now...now I'm just this. A 5'8" 212 lbs woman. A beautiful Native American woman that can do and is capable of so much more. If only she'd stick to a commitment. Am I ready to do it? Am I willing to do it? Do I value myself and my life that much to just say...Damn it...Spring your turning 25...you've been saying you'd lose weight since you turned 20...so when are you gonna start?

When...

/end rant

Love is consuming me...

2005-03-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

"Unless it's mad, passionate,
Extraordinary love,
It's a waste of your time.
There are too many mediocre things in life
Love shouldn't be one of them."

From the movie Dream for an Insomniac

Everyday that I wake up and accept that Jason is a part of my life for good I find myself wanting to make myself guilty or dumb for not knowing or seeing it sooner. I just can't quite describe the what exactly he is for me. He just is. And I can be as ghey as I want and not give a crap or be embarrassed about how I show my affection for him. Public displays of affection are of no consequense. Sending him little gay love quotes over offline messanger so that when he opens it up its the first thing he sees in the morning...I know he'd never get tired of it. The overcompelling urge to say I love you right away cause he said it and you can't hold it in cause of how loved you feel. Feeling like you'll burst if you don't express it just right then. Dispising the distance because he lives in Wyoming and I live in Washington D.C. but falling in love with him all over because he took off two weeks to fly out here just to be with me for my birthday. Just so he could spoil me. So we can take that walk around D.C. all night long and just talk about everything and nothing. So that we can lay around in bed all day spooning and laughing.

I could never deny his love for me. I could never question how faithful his heart. He would never cheat on me because his momma taught him how to respect women. And I know he trusts me...if only for the mere fact I'm now on his life insurance...LOL *shifty eyed plotting* Muahahaha....God I love this boat.

You ain't the bomb!

2005-02-24T11:43:00.000-05:00

This made me pee...

2005-02-20T05:09:00.000-05:00

Me, my future husband, and our best mutal friend Tasha...We make up the Cuntface Fuckers United...lol...don't ask...

My Man is the Truth...

2005-02-19T20:35:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you why I love him

Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie

I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him
It's almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband maybe he was my wife
And even,things I don't like about him are fine with me
Cause it's not hard for me to understand him cause he's so much like me
And it's truly my pleasure to share his company
And I know that it's God's gift to breathe
The air he breathes

Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection if him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright I wouldn't lie

How can the same man that makes me so mad
Do you know what he did
Turn right around and kiss me so soft
Girl do you know what he did
If he ever left me I wouldn't even be sad no
Cause there's a blessin' in every lesson
And I'm glad that I knew him at all

Cause he is the truth
Said he is so real
And I love the way that he makes me feel
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly because
His light it shines so bright

I love the way he speaks
I love the way he thinks
I love the way that he treats his mama
I love that gap in between his teeth
I love him in every way that a woman can love a man
From personal to universal but most of all
It's unconditional

You know what I'm talking about
That's the way I feel
And I always will

There ain't no substitute for the truth
Either it is or isn't
Cause he is the truth
You see the truth it needs no proof
Either it is or it isn't
Cause he is the truth
Now you know the truth by the way it feels
And if I am a reflection of him then I must be fly
Because he is, yes he is
I wonder does he know...know...know...

Yey Red bangs...Word

2005-02-16T00:40:00.000-05:00

Glasses are teh hawtness, Yo!

I think I've all but decided I'm going to be a the cool Computer Skillz teacher and teach all the guys computer hacking skillz so they can chat online with babes all day. That and the most Nazi English teacher that ever lived. That combines my love of computers...my rammish need to be right all the damn time and teach people how to write an effin awesome research papers. I just wanna be the best Native American role model I can be. ;)

My Valentines gift...

2005-02-15T16:02:00.000-05:00

The grand kids will love this one day... ;)

Did you know that i watched you as you were sleeping
sometimes filled with overwhelming love that i find myself weeping
i look upon you gently dreaming
And with pride and joy I'm inwardly gleaming
You are my love forever true
to this love forever true
to this love forever we're committed to
your beautiful face is like an angel to me
you open your eyes and its there that i see
the love that exudes from your heart for me
a love like this isn't easy to master
though we've been through the fire and every earthly disaster
we've made it to the other side
through love and peace we gracefully glide
in a place of calm and knowledge of one another
no guess work....no fumbling we're in tune with each other
you know me as no one ever has
you hold my future and you forgive my past
its in your eyes as your sleeping you see
that i am thankfully reminded that i've been blessed with thee
so to you my sweet love i vow my life
to be forever true with you as my wife

And I said:
Spring: your so ghey....and I love you.
Leslie : something
Spring: I really can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, baby.
Leslie : i know.....

Happy Valentines Day!

2005-02-14T09:31:00.000-05:00

This be my valentine....

2005-02-10T01:11:00.000-05:00

As for the surprises that I promised in the beginning of the year...here is one...

the man that I adore with all my heart...that I fought so hard to not love...the only one that understands me like no other...

He is more than just a friend...I wouldn't dare call him a boyfriend

cause that just sounds cheap...he can be my luh-vah...hahaha...

He's more than just a regular relationship we acended that part long

before we ever got there. Like skipping a few grades I suppose.

He's my heart. My breath. My smile everyday. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you L.J. Shakespeare....

Be My Valentine!

2005-02-10T00:06:00.000-05:00

Pussy Discrimination!

2005-01-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

Outrage...that's all I can say!

Part one of my journey home...

2005-01-29T11:32:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, I called my Madre to tell her the good news of the comming of her favorite daughter. When she answered, I didn't anticipate that she would be drunk. YEY. Now I love my mother but I won't sugar coat shit cause that ain't me...My mom is an alcoholic. Of course, I should have known better to call her that day. I mean crappin aye...The Steelers marginally won their effin game only cause the other team choked on a horse cock. How the fuck you gonna miss 2 field goals, son? What the fuck was up with the waste of a time out when you could have waited 7 seconds? Bullshit.

Anyways, so my mother answers drunk...And she's like "Hi Jade"..."I'm so glad you called"...bleh bleh bleh...And I tell her the details of my arrival...to which I'm positive she won't remember half of but who cares. I try to make small talk which I know is me just asking for whatever stab in the heart she can give me at the time. Talking to my mom drunk never yields pleasant expiriences and me being the masochist that I am choose to continue regardless. At this particular time, she chose to bring up the one thing that she knows she can hurt me with...although at the time it wasn't her intention. The one thing that has been important to me from day one and I let myself let go of for a while...believing somehow it would work itself out, but no. On this occasion...like many other occasions...she brings up my youngest brother Sky.

Now my mother, despite the alcoholic that she is, was always a great mother to her daughters. She sacraficed for us, provided all she could for us and never gave us up without that famous Eagle (family name) irrationalness that we are known for. We never went without the essentials and she taught us how to love ourselves and be independant. My mother's love for her daughters could, would and should never be doubted. The key word here obviously being daughters. Her other 4 kids, unfortunately, happen to be another story.

To most families, four sons would be considered a gift and indeed they are blessing. To my mother, however, they were somewhat of a burden that was not really much her responsibility. Another factor contributing to the "favorites" scenario is that we all have different fathers, except me and my sister. My mom was never one to be accused of attracting great men. Although my father is a pretty damn awesome man, he just so happens to be gay as well. All this attributing to me barely knowing my older brothers. Although I know they love me, they are distant by their choice. We grew up together but not in the same household. My 2 older brothers, who are 5/3 years older than me respectively, grew up with my grandparents. They didn't life far from where we lived, but definately not with us.

My 2 younger brothers, both of whom I love dearly, weren't afforded the "luxuries" so freely given to their older sisters. Save my little brother Micheal, whom she does love, planned for and fought for but in the end gave way to the same scenario. Leaving the the baby of our little joyluck club...the center of my heart...my little brother Keanu BlueSky Kniffin.

(Cont.)

The Girl Born a No Heart...

2005-01-28T12:07:00.000-05:00

Wow...I try to get around and write things here and there. I'm just gonna have to copy and paste here from some of my other blogs. I rightly don't care anymore.

Make a sign!

2005-01-11T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well the new year is here and I am quite refreshed from my trip to the bahamas. It's definately and experience I'll never forget and was another great gift from the Harjo's. I love them so much. This year promises to be exciting. The odd number years always seem to have that flair of excitement about them and I'm keeping a some cool things under my hat to wow y'all with laters. So a poem for the new year...enjoy...

Beginnings
by Spring No Heart

Darkness almost sounded
surrounded for none to see
Only street lights up above
standing on what seems to be
a darker shadow of a bridge
the night has come to me
Right now I am alone
Right now my soul is free

The year has just begun
Time for new possibility
My love has called my name
and now my heart can breathe
Although his love is far
and deeper than the sea
Right now I am alone
Right now my soul is free

Spirits dance on the water
they dance for only me
Movements quick and fluid
It puts my soul at ease
As quickly as they beckon
they are just as quick to flee
Right now I am alone
Right now my soul is free

Another chaper of life has ended
I turn and walk from the sea
Appricative of all my blessings
and what the future holds for me
I leave with my compassion
I will love with all ability
For right now I am alone
Right now my soul is free

Holidays Schmolidays

2004-12-29T09:16:00.000-05:00

This weekend was just another weekend. Nothing spectacular...nothing overwhelming...it just was. These past couple weeks I've been rather quiet cause too much is happening and although I don't give a fuck who knows my bidness...I suppose this month I do. This has probably been both equally the best and the worst month of my life. Hahahaha...not to compare it to the time my mother went to prison for 5 years and I had to moved from my school with all my friends to bumfuck Oklahoma...that probably was the shittiest...but I digress.

I've been really rather emotionally detached as of late. Trying hard to keep life in perspective. Keep things moving and flowing. Making life decisions and make sure 100 percent about them. I believe I've all but decided I'm moving back to Idaho next Fall...going to ISU and getting my own place. Its a rather huge decision considering I'll finally be going to school to make something of myself and my love hate relationship with Idaho. I love it cause that's where I grew up and had an actual childhood. I believe growing up on my rez is something I wouldn't trade for the world. And the mountains...man there is nothing like growing up with mountains in your backyard. There just ain't. But then again...it's always been a source of contraversy for me. The center of my contraversy. My mother. Oh my mother, my biological, real, dramatic, crazy, alcoholic mom. I love her, yes I do. But I dunno...just bad memories of the afforementioned I suppose. That and those other dark things about your childhood you don't speak of...hahahaha...DRAMATIC!

Meh...

I'm giving myself 6 more months in DC and then I'm outtie. Not cause I don't love it here...I absoeffinlutely do. Its just that its time for me to start taking my future seriously. Perhaps get degree...settle down...venture into the oh so scary realm of life partnership...who the eff knows. All I know it that I'll be closer to my little brother...who has always been the center of heart and I've just put off being the big sister for a while. He needs me and I need him more than ever. I'm sufficently satisfied that my sister is going to have the life she always deserved and that my father is always always going to be fine without me. I'm starting to sound like I'm leaving tomorrow...ha.

So anyhow...yeah...that's where my head is at...thoughs of "home"...how ever that looks...

Happy Friday, people!

2004-12-10T08:48:00.000-05:00

And a great Friday it is indeed. *nods*

Well the aftermath of the incident is that yes...NO ONE was hurt. The wallets will have a huge dent but those are the prices we pay for making stupid, very well avoidable mistakes. Lesson learned.

A friend of mine was generous and crazy enough to buy me a plane ticket to Las Vegas next week. I was honored and kind of taken back but then again you can't say no to a gift. It's rude. (or at least that's what I'm telling myself these days) so Next wednesday @ EST 4:55 I will be in the air to Chicago and then from Chi-town to Sin City. Good times. I'm going to be the "escort" for a friend to a wedding. The exact same friend I was suppose to marry back in March as a goof but didn't quite make it...(If any of y'all can remember that) Kinda scary now that you think about it...what if we do get married? OMGz......

Then just imagine two weeks after I get back from Las Vegas I'll be in the air flying to Florida to get on a big ol ship to the Bahamas. Again...my ex's family is paying for the whole thing so don't be going thinking I'm rich or anything...I'm sooooooooooo not. I just have that something that people are willing to pay to be around...maybe I should be an actress or something? Never know...it could happen.... *wicked smile*

~Happy Friday, People~

Yeah...Quit drinking for a loooong while..

2004-12-05T23:15:00.000-05:00

if not forever...

All I'll say is...Getting the boot from the concert...Sister not remember concert...very smashed in hood...DUI...Not mine but I let my sister drive drunk. Worst sister ever...I think so. It sucks. Expensive lesson learned that should never have been learned. :( C'est la vie.

Volleyball and The raddest concert ever...

2004-12-03T10:02:00.001-05:00

Last night I played my first game of volleyball with this All Native Girls team they got here in Gaithersburg. We're the Native Slammers....lol. Man I was kinda scurd at first cause I haven't played since 4 ever but last night I must admit was fucking fun ass hell! Man we lost our first 3 games but man...that 4th game we all got our groove and became a team...fuck it was magic! I loved it to death! I haven't lost my serving touch and I ain't even all that sore. I'm so proud of myself. Yeah son.

Tomorrow I'm soo effin excited cause I got practice in the morning and the me and my momishu (™Dangerous Angel...my sister) are going to see the fucking raddest concert of the year!

5:00 Keane
5:30 My Chemical Romance
6:10 Breaking Benjamin
6:50 Chevelle
7:35 The Killers
8:20 Franz Ferdinand
9:05 Jimmy-Eat World
10:00 Good Charlotte
11:00 Velvet Revolver

Fucking Aye I can't wait. I'm so excited! I am so wanting to meet Chevelle it's sick! Man...What I wouldn't do for that Band...For fucking Pete...I love them. I need to make me a new shirt cause the last one I had a friend jacked up for me. So I need a new one!

Enough of that Jazz....I'll write more later...but I had to get that off my chest for now. ;) Toodles.

Is it winter yet?

2004-12-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

Today is either going to be an awesome day or a shitty one.
Depending on how you look at it.

Today I've committed to quitting drinking alcohol (cept for an exception on Dec. 4th and maybe once on a certain TBA trip), drinking soda, and smoking cigarettes...(cept for spiritual purposes but I don't any arise) for a month (cigarettes indefinately). Wish me luck.

I've also committed to a race to be the biggest loser in a contest with my sweet bitch Natasha aka Ah Satan. Today is our official weigh in and we have til January 1st with weigh in's every week. The prize? As for now it's just the greatest bitch of all time. We may think of something better but where both competitive so competing for a saltine would suffice. I love you, Satan.

This morning looks so dark and gloomy that it may as well be 6 in the evening. Seriously. It's all rainy and sad outside...and me with no Jazz...BOO....Madeleine Peyroux would be good here...

Fucking aye...I JUST ran out of Dr. Pepper lip smackers. What the fuck am I going to do now. Dry lips! Perish the thought...I think I'm going to have to call Kip to bring me my chapstick.

It's been way too long...

2004-10-29T09:06:00.000-04:00

I miss you guys. I miss this. I've been missing and gone for so long I don't know where I am anymore. At this particular point I am happy and peaceful. So much has happened and so much to come. I'll get down on this in due time. In the mean time, people. You should get up on this song Right click and save as here I love you guys. Miss J00!

My Trip to New York Part Un...

2004-09-09T15:42:00.000-04:00

Well, well, well...

Where to start. Friday, I wake up @ 8 o'clock and scramble to get all my shit together. I was barely packed so I had to neatly stuff all my shit into two duffle bags. Plus, I the little things that you try not to forget and somehow end up leaving anyway. (like your cell phone and toothbrush!) And in doing so I was very very LATE! Kelli and I had planned to take off @ 10:00 and here I am doing the breast stroke in my sea of clothes @ 9:30. Clever.

So I finally jet out the door @ 9:40. Kelli is pissed I know. I hate making my sister mad but I do it anyways cause I'm a tard. Anyways, I get there and she has to burn some car music for our trip. Kewl. Then they remember she needs a new headlight. *goodness* So the honda goes to the doctor for a bit. We're stressed. It's not like we have to be anywhere. But we're hella late for our time and so we're rushed. Car done, Cd's done, and finally out the door by 12! *Whew* No Heart girls are never on time.

So off we go, turn up the jams and hit the road. Just me and my sister. Ah life is sweet. It took us freakin 7.5 hours to get to NYC. Fucking an hour of that was just waiting on to get off the New Jersey Turnpike on to the Lincoln tunnel. Since we don't have to be to our destination til about 9:15 or so we decide to mess around in Time Square. We have a drink @ Howard Johnsons and our bartender is no more than 19. She's so cute with her lit-uhl New Yawk accent. She's crazy. But she proceeds to tell me I am cause I drove 7.5 hours to meet a stranger. I said yeah, that's true, hopefully it's worth it.

We mess around New York somemore. Hitting up some stores. Getting the obligatory I love NY shirt. Saw Catwoman. Unfortunately missed the Naked Cowboy. (DAMN!) And talked to my Aunt Daisy to she could tell us where to go. It's getting late and Erick give us a reminder call to leave the City cause we have another hour to go to the heart of Long Island. We get the scoop on the nights happenings, grab a couple bites @ Mc Donald's of all places (Sorry NYC Pizza, next time my love) and take off to Queens Bridge Tunnel....

Soooo....on to Erick's...

It's 9:30. We're so late. But when are we ever on time? We start driving and then we realize we're probably ew-er than ew so we stop at a Gas Station to freshen up. (Yes, Erick, case solved) We stopped to put make up on and change clothes at a gas station because
A: Fuck I was so nervous it was beyond ridiculous.
B: I had stains my my shirt and you only get one chance to make a first impression.

So, we do our biznass and move along. The drive seemed to go by so fast yet the last 10 exits dragged on for-ev-er...and it seemed the closer I got the more nervous I got. And the more nervous I got I started to give myself stomache pains. It was aweful. Some randum girl called me right before I got to Erick's which was totally weird. It was a 202 . and I was like WTF? So I answer it. Conversation as follows:

Meh: "Yo"
Her: "Yo, is this KT?"
Meh: "Yeah, who is this?"
Her: 'Are you Gay?"
Meh: "Um...I'm bi-sexual"
Her: "Oh. What color iz you?"
Meh: "Brown? What the fuck does it matter? Who is this?"
Kell from the side: "Who are you talking to?"
Meh to Kelli: "Fuck if I know!"
Kelli: "Well why the hell are you telling them all this information?"
Meh to Kelli: "I don't know, don't yell at me"
Meh to girl: "Look I gotta go yo. I don't know who you are or how you got my . but late."

I know that was really lame and irrelavant but with all the tension Kelli got pissed at me and I at her and that so was not going to work. In about 10 minutes I get to meet a boy that I've had a crush on for almost over a month now and me and my sister fighting is the way to greet someone. Crazy! So following our crazy directions to Erick's house we get lost like 3 times. Not to mention he happens to be the only house without a . on it so the first house we stop at isn't his. At least we got a laugh out of that one and it relieved some tension.

Finally, moment of truth. We got the right town, we got the right street and we finally got the right house. Now to knock on the right door. He opens the door and he's exactly the way I imagined he would be and he give me this big reassuring hug. Awesome. He give Kelli a hand shake and I immediately bolt for the O cause I need to chill the fuck out. We sit and chill for a while to wait for a friend. Talk a bit about this and that. Friend doesn't show so we go to his house to check it out.

Seems he's too tired to hang out with us. So with one last failed try to get more partners in crime we head to the bar place (forgot the name.) Before we arrive we had to get some nurishment in that slender frame of his cause he hadn't eaten yet. Much to our detriment we stopped by a Wendys and he gets the necessary bi-products to fill his little tummy. Not being able to smoke in his car I wait til we arrive @ the bar to smoke. He proceeds to finish his food with the car off and me and Kelli congregate outside for a smoke. After he finishes, he gets out and we head on over to the bar.

Lady luck being the fickle bitch that she is Erick realizes all but too late that he left his keys in the car...and he has automatic locks! *yey!* He goes back and assesses possibilities only concluding to one. Hmmm... Plan A: Lemme break this window. I on the other hand, having just been with someone with broken window the weekend before, was highly against it. No way, Jose. That'll will suck, think of something else. Plan B ask someone for a hanger or a slim jim. Plan B futile. Plan C: Wait for someone he knows outside the club for help. Plan C sucess! A friend of a friend calls another for the number to Triple A (Which just happens to be 1-800-Triple A in case you're interested) et voila! Erick remember, Duh! I have Triple A! Call Triple A. The come amazingly quick and the night is saved!

To be continued...

Lip Rings, Foam & Broken Glass....

2004-08-28T20:47:00.000-04:00

That was the story of my night. In a nutshell.

I spent an obscene amount of money on stupid face jewlery and I swear I was possesed when I bought the shit cause only two of what I bought I actually like. Go me.

All I wanted to do last night was dance. My pal wanted to hang out cause he had nothing betta to do so we did. He went to Nation with me. So I got there a little late for open bar and since I paid my effin $15 bucks to get in...I was going to get my money back in drinks and then some. haha 8 cran and vodka's later I finally get on the dance floor. If my friend wasn't sending me tha boredum vibes I would have tore it up but alas...

so in between the vodka and dancing I was getting a little tired and the night was still young. Not wanting to give up totally on my quest to make the most of what I had I saw the doors to the outside were open. So I told my pal...lets go mang.

So we go and Guess what I see...

FOAM!

NIGHT SAVED! I immediately jump in and get my ass all soapy foam wet and it was great. Even my friend had fun! I thought it would be damn near impossible for that to happen. We danced for about an hour and then called it quits cause there is only so many bubbles I can breathe in and not get sick. So quitting while we were ahead....we head home.

That is when...we saw his window. Broken in. Stereo...stolen. I was like um...babe...your window is missing dear. He didn't drink a lick so I thought his head was going to splode. I managed to convice him to file a report despite it not doing anyone any good. The police came took the report and that was that. The guy managed to cut himself pretty good cause there was a considerable amount of blood. Karma Karma Karma. C'est la vie.

Well Well Wow

2004-08-23T23:06:00.000-04:00

I just got through watching Big Fish for the first time. It was a really great movie. I really didn't know what I was expecting or what I wanted to take away from it. All I know is that it inspired me to think about this particular moment in my life. It made me realize something about my life that I probably wouldn't have though of any other way. That's what I love so much about movies. Movies are a catalyst for the way I believe I want my life to be.

Big Fish, as animated and beautiful as it was, made me think of the events that have happened in these past few weeks. All the ways I've been feeling and perhaps a validation for the way that I feel. One of the events that I have been pondering is one that I don't regret but makes me sad inside. This weekend I had to let down a guy that in all essence should be perfect for me. He's smart, intelligent, funny, attractive and he's a great great mentor and motivator. He came up to DC just to see me. And I didn't realize until it was already done. And he told me how he felt and how he feels about me to my amazement and in all honestly discontent. Maybe what he offered could've been good. And maybe I could have considered it. But it wasn't romantic. It wasn't the way I dreamed a moment like that would come. He told me in the throws of drunkness that he loved me and that he wanted to fall in love with me. At that moment I was speechless. I was sadend throughout because no matter heartfelt it was, no matter how true and real, how could he expect me to accept such an offer and actually take into my life like it meant something.

I just broke up an 8 year friendship cause I can't stand alcholics and alcholic men in my life. I'm through and done with it. That's why I've been single for so long. Cause I don't want that or anything to do with a relaionship like that. I don't want any of it. I left that life back in Idaho and Oklahoma only for it to follow me here? I left all that I knew and the people I loved to find something better than myself, to find myself and my own way. What's right for Spring and what makes Spring happy in this world.

I have finally started feeling something for someone. A person unbeknownst to me but who gives me butterflies in my stomache again and makes me smile like no other. He's not my type and he is so not what I would probably pick for myself had I not become so smitten so fast. There is an Aries for you, always failing to look before you leap. All I know is that even though we don't talk everyday or have even met. We feel so much and it's awesome and great and perfect with all it's tiny imperfections. Like a dream. Like a movie. He makes me feel beautiful despite myself. And calms my worries just by saying so. I don't know what I did to deserve such blinded affection. All I know is that I am blinded by my affection for him.

So with that, and all things being considered now now have a chance to meet. In two weeks, during Labor Day, I am going to Long Island New York. To meet the man-child that has all so clumsily stolen my heart. The Shinnecock Pow-wow is going on at that time so he has oh so generously agreed to let me stay at his house in the Hamptons. I had no clue when I first met him that he lived in the Hamptons because that seems totally unreal and makes me laugh at myself. How the heck did I snare a boy from the Hamptons? The world may never know.

In the mean time, I had to let down the man that should be my ideal. Why? Cause of all the things that are perfect about him, he hides the courage he easily gives others from himself and inside a bottle. He had not the courage to ever say this sober and for that I can't. I love him and I always will. But for now it can never be. I'm not ready to give up my life again to move back to a place that has no oppertunity for me. No more than I can ask him to move out here just so we can get to know eachother the way we should have in the 8 months that we've known eachother. That's just not my way. Plus, Im too young and cute to be anyones mom. *AYE* (he has a 9 month old)

So now, I'll buck up and be the adventureous Aries. Swallow my pride and meet this guy that I probably have a chance in hell with. A guy I have nothing in common with and not even on the same plane with. Why? Cause it's crazy. And I'm crazy. And life is crazy and without moments like these...how would be know we are alive. Those who take the biggest risks, get the biggest rewards. And those with nothing to lose have everything to gain. That's the way I've been living my life and that's the way I will continue to do so.

Such is my life and it is blessed.

You know your are a dork when...

2004-08-20T15:59:00.000-04:00

Little shit like this makes you uber happy...

Him: I think it's about time I started running around like a moron and doing all the things I should have started a week ago dear. But, know that I'll be thinkin about you while I'm away.
Me: Aight. Well have a great night and weekend if I don't get to chat with you later.
Me: Good luck on not hooking up with the trannies tonite
Me: :-D
Him: I make no promises.
Him: I mean...
Him: Take care dear

Yeah...I'm totally freakin smitten...and I love it. (Can you say e-tard?)

I gave my panties to a nerd

2004-08-18T11:35:00.000-04:00

That how I feel today. I feel like I'm Samantha and this is the day from hell. It just feels blah.

I need to find my Jake Ryan! The person that makes me feel beautiful, sexy and loved just to be around them. And have them feel the same way about me. As much as I want him, I suppose I'll have to wait. I need to get back into school first and become a geek. *rawr*

While I was thinking about it I though I would do my very belated check in with my new year's resolutions. *tee hee*
Beginning of the year I was I was going to:

1. Learn to become the kick-ass skier I know I really am.
2. Learn to become the kick-ass guitar player I know I really am.
3. Learn to become the bad-ass golfer I know I really am.
4. Actually utilize my Gym membership.
5. Spend more time with my little brothers.
6. Stay single for an entire year. (NO MORE PRETTY BOYS!!!!)
7. Appriciate myself more the my accomplishments.
8. Earn at least 12 credits this year. (ha ha ha)
9. Telling all the co-dependants in my life to flick off and do it yourself once in a while.
10. Smoke only 185 days this year instead of all 365.
11. Stop smokin' da crack pipe.
12. Not forget anyone's birthday.
13. Fly myself to Hawaii for my Birthday.
14. Get my milkshake to bring all the boys to the yard.
15. Not give a damn about what the price of rice in china is.

Now I am...

1. Waiting til the new skii season...Go me.
2. Guitar...what guitar....must make some calls.
3. Bad Ass Golfer...Maybe golden tee...perhaps I'll makes some calls.
4. Just cancelled. I have my own mini-gym @ home.
5. Haven't seen them yet. I need to badly.
6. Well I've managed that so far. Single with a crush...hopeless romantic.
7. Hmm...what have I accomplished this year...oh yeah...my own place *pat on back*
8. Again...I will say ha ha ha....
9. Hey I did it for Roach and look where she is now. Her own place too. *pat on back*
10. yeah...cutting down as we speak...*lights up another*
11. This was just a metaphor for get a fuckin life. I have a nice one so far.
12. I don't think I did. Everyone got a call or a card or comments.
13. Didn't do that....maybe I'll buy the ticket this year for next year.
14. Well if you count my avatar then go me.
15. Yeah...i still working on not sweating the small stuff.

What I would like to do before the end of the year:

1. At least pick a school and get enrolled.
2. Pay my fees to get my licence back.
3. Learn to effin drive stick. I'm 24 for Ingalls sake.
4. Accept the hopeless romantic that I am and love myself for being so.
5. Quit drinkin and smoking to pay for the trip to Hawaii.

We'll see how it goes.

Guess who called me last night?

2004-08-17T15:37:00.000-04:00

I know you are going to think I am a psychopath skitzo but it's true. Why the fuck else would I say it?

I know right now your either saying...that ugly fucker, or what the fuckever or bullshit...

BUT alas, I don't care, it did and I am mad thrilled.

How could such an event happen?

My brother who has the dumbest fucking luck meeting celebs works @ the Hustlers Club down in New Orleans. He works the late night shift and during there shift rotations he works VIP. So alas, my brother is not one to be shy...and knowing at the one time I had a crush on this fool, has Vin Say hello to me on the phone. All I could say was omg...I love you...you are...OMG...I love you...He laughed and was like your brother is one cool dude. And I said thanks for the call and even talking to me...your awesome and he was like no problem, now you take care and handed the phone back to my brother. I love/hate my brother. I've been having trouble with insomnia lately and that phone call didn't help things. Suffice to say...I was on cloud nine. Still am.

Last night, I got to hang with one of my bestest buds in the EAST...Pacito. We went to go see AVP. (I'll get to that review in a second) I missed that little guy so bad. He is the true nerd to my dork. I can tell that guy anything and he me. I know there are at lest 4 people that can really invoke thoughts into my psyche. 1# my Numi, 2# my fucker, #3 Benji, and #4 Paco. They are all like my gurus with Numi being my social, Fucker being my practical/clarity, Benji being my logical, and paco more like emotional. After AVP, we went to his place and chilled for a sec and then he walked me home. We had a good talk about this and that. His love interest and mine. How I try so hard to be hard and tough when I'm just a softie romantic that wants the romance. It doesn't give me pleasure in admitting that its true. Inherently, I know that which I'm sure everyone does. But it's really hard for me to admit. And when I become smitten with someone...I'm gone. So suffice to say we had a great conversation and a great night. I wouldn't have seen AVP with anyone else in the world and it's great having him back. Hopefully we'll hang out again soon.

AVP: While I will admit the cinematography was most excellent and better than I thought it would come out, the one hundred and thirty minutes of PG-13ness was irrevokably sad. Who ever composed such dialouge needs to be shot. It wasn't even original. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend? (Grasshoppa)" Give me a break. It was Mystery Science Theater up in that piece. I've never laughed so hard in my life. The only thing that was lacking that I thought would have made a great addition to the overall theme would have either 1. a kiss or 2. at least a high five! C'mon! Can I get a high five please? At the end, I was so waiting for him to break out with..."You got the juice now..." (And can a bitch a friggin ride please? Thanx)

Anyways, back to my hole...Ciao Bailas.

Randum shit...like whoa...or whatever.

2004-08-16T10:22:00.000-04:00

Speaking of which, I heard that they are showing a re-make/re-did/whatever the fuck of Donnie Darko. Inserting scenes that were left out so the movie would make more sense. Tight ass. My dad saw it in New York this past weekend and was telling me about it. So if I can't find it around town then I'm am so going to New York this weekend. Donnie Darko and the NYC, tyte ass. I miss that damn city. ~if only for the pizza~

Certain cities have certain feels to them that I just friggin miss. Chicago just seems so sophisticated and old. I like Chicago in the winter. It's beautiful. The second time I ever went to Chicago I went by myself. The company I was working for always had a Christmas party that was not to be missed and they actually paid for me to go! It was insane. They had a kewl dj and kareoke, the Dinner buffet was off the chain and something I've never seen. ( I didn't realize food was THAT pretty) Then I made friends with some interns they took me around the city despite me not having a fake ID (I was 19 at the time). I had a good time but this dude kinda go mad cause we didn't bone. (I'm like yeah right poin dexter)

This one lady even took me to see a show downtown. A Tuna Christmas...that shit was hillarious. Finding my way home was even more hillarious. They just had a fucking blizzard up there and the bus lines only go so far at night. So I ended up walking cause downtown there was not a cab to be had. So lucky for me my ex's sister lived there and helped me find home. I walke 8 blocks in fucking heals and a skirt in the snow after the bus stopped short of just where I needed to be. Now that's something to tell the kids. (when I was your age...I walked blah blah blah in the snow)

Ah Chicago. It's not as showy or glizy like the NYC but It'll do. It has a real jazzy feel that I can't get enough of. Chicago almost feels like Paris but not quite. Paris always is and always will be my first love.

Anyways...brain droppings of the day.

Today I feel like writing so yey!

2004-08-12T12:02:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a weird day. Well I guess the past 24 hours.
(This maybe long so if you read it god speed)

*some names witheld to protect the innocent and incredibly sexy*

I had stayed up the night before chatting on the net til the break of dawn and didn't get any sleep before I went to work. There is no good rational for staying up all night when I had to work. I, for some odd reason, just felt compelled to talk to my friends on the net, especially one in particular and loved every minute. I oddly was never really tired. I never yawned or felt the urgent need to sleep. I just kept chatting and smiling incredibly hard and laughing so loud I probably woke up my dad a couple times.

One member of my insane chat posse (ICP, yeah, son!) made me smile and blush so profusely it was ridiculous. (Thanx again for keeping me up, sugar and don't forget dinner is on me, aight) One kept making me laugh so hard you think I was high. (Tashie <3's Cowboys! Yee-haw! *LOL*) One was getting tipsy and sending me E-Cape Cods. (Next time lets get tipsy together, m'kay. *LOL*) One kept askin for my pink taco. (it's in the mail, homie...) One was in desperate need of porn cause they were horny. (it's in the mail, homie...lol...<3 u Chick!) And the other must have thought I was dead crazy because he kept tellin me to go to bed. I was like "In a minute...I will...Seriously...in a minute" (You know I heart you...I heart you alot.).

All in all it was a great night I didn't want to end but I had to get ready for work. The good thing about staying up all night is that I was finally up early enough to eat breakfast. That was a major plus. I even ironed my clothes! *Wow!* (cause if you know me I'm hella lazy and make my friends do it) I took a shower, ate my breakfast, took my Xenedrine (to help me stay awake) and I left early cause I knew I needed a Mocha Frappe majorly and a Red Bull. (not a fan of red bull but when you're desprate, you're desprate)

Made it to work and it wasn't all that bad. Thankfully, my job is seriously low maintenence and doesn't require me to operate heavy machinery. That helped alot. I did my upmost not to bite anyone's head off. Even though SOMEONE was effin plucking my last nerve cause they were jealous and acting childish. I made it through the day okay and interestingly still not tired. James wanted to celebrate the birth of her new god-baby. (Congrats, JAMES!) So you know how we do...We gotta celebrate!

So after work she picks me up and we go to Ruby Tuesdays cause they got the "buy one get one for 1 cent" drafts (It's a good deal when its not happy hour) and James and Lyds were hungry as hell. We stayed there for a couple and then went to Champs to finish out happy hour. I was still doing fine but I was beginning to run on fumes. Kina wanted to play me on the Golden Tee so we do. I was kickin ass. Then Kina switched out and I played Benji for a bit. And everything was going fine...still doing fine despite the obvious lack of sleep. That is until I completely missed the controller ball and jammed my hand into the machine. I don't know why I held off from crying. I held it in and tried so hard not to cry. Well that was the worst made decision in the world cause holding it in + Lack of sleep + about 5 or so beers = Me VERY all of a sudden depressed. And I began to be really depressed about stupid shit and un-necessary things.

So in my new found depression I had to make a phone call. To who? I had no clue. I didn't wanna call my numi in state I was in. So I tried to call my brother. He didn't answer and that made me all the more depressed. So there I was, using a friends phone, didn't have any one to talk to and I didn't want to bring down the party so I smoked a cig and went inside. I pouted to Benji cause I thought I was ass out on the drunken depressed call to friends until I realized he had Satan's #. (Yey, I was saved!) So I call Satan of all people and she listens to me rant for I don't know how long about this, that and the other. I just ranted and ranted til I got it off my chest. And after listening to me til I cant rant anymore, she begins tells me whats on her mind. Listening to her made me feel better. Alot better. Depression magically disappeared and I was back to the me of things. (I love you Satan)

Next on the list is going to Lesbian night @ Apex. I had to go home and get out of my girlie clothes (I was way to cutesty like a school marm) and get into some dancing clothes cause I fully intended to rip up the floor. Some members of our party wanted to ziff on a spliff while I changed so they did. (Thanx for opening the window fuckers!) I was too gone for make up so we left for the club and had an excellent time. Lyds bought me some Mickey Deez cause I needed to come down off the drunk tank. And despite a little drama from the chics we met up with. I had a great time. I even got home @ 12 (Yey early enough for me to get SOME sleep). They dropped me off and I got into my bed attire. And as soon as my head it the pillow, I was out.

So that was my day. Nothing especially out of the ordinary but it still "felt" weird. I purpoly left out the drama cause I ain't havin it. I'm glad I made it alive and I'm glad that I was able to hang enough to enjoy the special times with my friends. Thanx for everyone that helped me out last night. Lyds I owe you one. One day on those rare occasions that my brain remembers that I don't smoke pot so it shouldn't kirk out on me like that I will call you for lunchtime debauchery.

LATE!

Jesus, I am teh Ghey!

2004-08-11T09:25:00.000-04:00

Spring in love?

Jesus I hope not! But I am developing the hugest crush on my myspace buddy Erick. The love hate relationship I have with myspace (mostly love) I've gotten to know this incredible dork who effin lights up my world with a simple hi. Why? I have to freakin clue! It's so outside of me I can't begin to comprehend. Why is it worthy of mention? Cause I freakin stayed up all night long just to talk to him about nothing. He's so freakin great its ridiculous. We have a couple things in common. Like being former twins that lost the sib at birth. (that was interesting) We aspire to be professional nerds. We're both crazy enough about each other to effin be e-tards and stay up all night long to chat. I helped him hook up his myspace profile so it wouldn't be plain. (Yes I am a freaking computer reject!) I think we're just infatuated with the fact that we're infatuated. Which is kewl. Cause I really don't mind at all adoring someone and being adored. At least we got the Aries/Leo combo working for us. Too bad/Lucky for me, he's in a different area code cause if I ever really met him in real life...I would probably pee my pants and run away. ;P

Click Here if ya want to be nosey.

The computer people at work are finally comming around to the realization that myspace is addicting. (I got a couple co-workers hooked..tee hee) Yeah. So I may get booted from that site soon. That'll suck big time cause then I'll actually be bored! I dunno. It's just crazy.

Other than my infatutation life is just peachy keen. Made my rent on time! (Sweet!) I actually have furniture. I need a T.V. but it keeps me reading cause I have so much frickin spare time. Currently reading Digital Fortress by Dan Brown. I effin love Dan Brown books. (If you haven't read Angels and Demons and/or DaVinci Code get on it!) They all rawk.

Besides all of that...

How y'all doing?

That's the state of the world today...

2004-08-02T09:42:00.000-04:00

Dude I'm on an elevated alert

Go me.

Yeyness, DC is on elevated alert. Someone wants to put a bomb in my neighborhood. Nice. At first I was really frightened. I felt like someone just punched me in the lung and I lost my breath for a second. Then I came back to reality. While I does make me think...it really doesn't change anything does it. I mean it's always a possiblity and always will be a possibility that terrorist are going to bomb my little city. And that's what I accepted when I came back here to be with my family. Knowing and being close to my family everyday is worth more to me than being anywhere else in the world. Seeing my neice get taller and taking my nephew to Orioles games is fucking money in the bank. That's food for my soul. Being neighbors with my dad and sharing our stories together. Making eachother laugh. Just being close in general is worth more to me than anyone could ever give me. And I won't give that up. I love my family. And so I very happily choose to go on with life. Nothing will change for me. I just pray that god keep me.

In other news, Life is still grand and I'm taking things day by day. My new apt. is RAD to the bone. I love it. My family is healthy and happy. And everythang is alright. Right on.

I'm comming back to the light side (blogspot). Myspace is wearing me out. (But I love it!) I have the hugest infatuation with this almost 21 year old guy from NY. He is such an effin cutie! I love it. He's great and makes me smile the biggest cheesiest smiles. *le sigh*

Anyways, click below for some laughs. See y'all around. :)

Click here to know what it means to really bring the mosh!

Five things I'm greatful for today:

1. Costco and the crates of water.
2. My best friend getting a new car.
3. Maheo's blessings on me and my loved ones.
4. Free gum.
5. Money in the bank.

Rum and Monkey: The Name Generator Generator

2004-07-13T13:18:00.000-04:00

My japanese name is 中村 Nakamura (center of the village) 歩 Ayumi (walk, deeper meaning: walk your own way).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

As the time passes life moves forth...

2004-07-08T09:31:00.000-04:00

These past couple days have been really weird for me. Fourth of July was fun but left a lot to be desired. Plus, it took a huge chunk of my bank account...*good times* During the days and times I'm not here on my blogger I've been spending them mostly on Myspace.com.

Now, despite what people may believe I do have a life. I'm just bored alot at work. I know in the past I have advocated greatly for Myspace but mainly because I like the connection...especially to those that don't have a blog or keep up with them. I like Myspace. I can be as retarded as I want to be and find more retards like me. Retards that like Star Trek TNG and like Hoobastank and Frank Sinatra at the same time. It's kewl like that. As I have expressed many times before this...It's teh awesome...

Back to the past couple of days...

So anyways, Tuesday I get back to my computer all siced for Myspace and I'm greeted with this email...

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Blush~*
Date: Jul 5, 2004 07:15 PM

Hello Spring....
I am sorry that i have to be the bearer of bad news.... I know that you knew my friend Evad....I just wanted to let you know that he passed away today... He cherished your friendship and it bought him great joy to meet you in this space..... Please say a prayer for him in hopes that his soul will find peace in heaven....

Blush~*
******************************************************

I was like what the fuck?!? That's crazy! I was just chatting with him the other day! We were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up and how we were going to become teachers and mentors for under priviledged kids and live on the rez and make a difference. Dude, we even talked about meeting cause we were so close to each other. I trusted him alot. Whenever my "mom" and my niece passed away he was one of the first to console me and to send me positive thoughts. He was a great writer and musician. He was brilliant! He was beautiful and he was sincere. My virtual diamond in the ruff.

He was truely one of my "friends" that I actually considered a friend. And then all ov a sudden one day here and then next day...Gone. Gone. As in no more beats of his heart, no more dorky convos on the net. No more words of wisdom by Jeff Buckly. No more songs written for the women in his life. Just no more period. I haven't had someone just die on me hours after we conversed since my Grandpa n 92'. All of it was way too surreal for words. Having never met the guy I was very surprised to actually find myself sad and mourning this person. I was genuiely sad that he was gone and it scared me to think of and constantly be reminded that life is all too short. You never know if a simple jump in the lake will take your last breath. If even though it be a silly thought that you might actually die just like your idol... Just that morning before he had posted a picture of Marlon Brando and his last quote was so fortelling that it is embedded in my mind. "Death makes Angels of us all, and gives us wings..." To see that...and to have that be the last thing I see....????? There are no words or explanations for it. Everything about the way I knew him, the way he touched me and the way he died was so surreal.

Anyways, I suppose this beautifully concludes the string of threes in my life. My mom in May, My niece in June, and now a truely dear friend in July. ;0) I don't know whethere to be happy or sad at this point. I suppose a little of both. At any rate, I am in good spirits. I do shed tears from time to time but only cause these were all great people, who served a greater purpose than themselves and who I will always love, cherish, and remember.

REST IN PEACE...My GOOD FRIEND...MY LOVE...DAVID LAWS...

Your dash did mean something...

No, really, where have I been?

2004-07-01T16:49:00.000-04:00

Man, it's been a while. Where have i been? Heck I dunno. Moving into my new place that's where....It's teh awesome!

*sigh* Can I just tell you how awesome it is to have my own place? It is awesome. Home is where the heart is and this is my home. *sigh* I need to put crap on the walls, a table or some furniture period would be good. But otherwise...it's all gravy. All on Friday! Yeah! I can't freakin wait!

Where the heck have I been?

2004-06-23T06:22:00.000-04:00

create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

create your personalized map of europe
or write about it on the open travel guide

Yeppers! 49 States, France, Germany, Switzerland and Austria. Not bad, eh?

If your bored...lemme know where yooou have been, eh?

Public adoration for the couple I <3 the most!

2004-06-22T11:14:00.000-04:00

Congradulations, my loves. You guys made it! The first year is over and done with.

Numi, my little sister, I'm so proud of you for all that you've done thus far and all that you continue to do. You are an awesome Mom and couldn't have picked a better father for your children. Peter, I love you and even though I don't quite express it all the time. I wouldn't want any other brother in the whole wide world, not for a billion dollaz (maybe a trillion, Aye!). Plus, you are so much fun to pick on and razz. (you know you love it!)

You two have truely been an inspiration to me and watching the love you guys have for each other makes me wanna cry sometimes. (and actually makes me wanna barf on occasion) Seriously though, I don't know what I'd do without you two. The both of you. Well the four of you. You guys are the best because you have given me the most beautiful niece and craziest/funniest/dorkiest nephew I could ever possibly ask for. I know it hasn't always been easy for you guys but you sure do make it seem that way. You guys make it look fun.

So here's to the next year and many more after that. May the creator/Maheo/God continue to bless you both...

~~Happy Anniversary, Kids!~~

I love you guys!

When they first got engaged

What a freaky couple...

My beautiful nephew

My beautiful niece

me and my numi on her wedding day!

*If you would like to send out your well wishes please send them to Dangerous Angel by clicking here.

Mvto!

Spring aka Joigazm

Back to being the dork that is me.

2004-06-17T12:22:00.000-04:00

Fuck, I'm a fucking dumbass. I had to...I was in a trance. It was an out of body experience. Like it wasn't even me....WTF? Yeah I'm a dork. And I love this movie for sentimental reasons...

You know that song "Breakfast at Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something....?

"And I said "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's?"
She said "I think I remember the film..."

If it said what about The Warriors...yeah that's totally my mom and dad. They used to watch that movie ova and over. I love it cause I love my parents. They're cute like that. (if you're confused again, yes my parents are divorced and are still best friends and are still so cute together)

Anyways...I went on to buy the movie/soundtrack/and they are making a game based on the film to come out in August. I'm like...pfffffffffffffffffffffffffft...WTF, kids!? It's so on....

If you would like to join in the dorkness that is moi...by all means...go to http://warriorsmovie.co.uk/

Thank you for the 5 seconds you'll never get back. :D

A beautiful day...

2004-06-15T15:24:00.000-04:00

I took the day off today because I was really tired and drained. I needed the day off to refocus my energies and myself as well. I didn't really think twice this morning about calling in like I usually do. Today was just a day to sit at home and rest and conversate with my sister Roach.

We talked alot about our spiritualites and alot about the people we are. I mostly needed to get off my chest and focused on where I am now because of all this change in my life. I'm not afraid of it. Usually, I would be. With the death of my mom and the death of my daughther. I have a strong urge and need to one myself with everything in my life. My new apartment being somewhat at the forefront of it all. I'm finally moving out on my own. Into the real world. With a real job and a real space of my own. Not shared by roommates. Mine. For me, getting this apartment means so much and is a testiment to where I am in my life.

I've come so far from being that selfish/selfless little girl that was tied down to obligations in the family so much so that it hindered my wellbeing. People always felt a need to protect me and to baby me and take care of me and I in return felt obligated to take care of everyone's kids cause I was single and had no "real" obligations.

I'm finally comming into not having to rely or ask everyone to help me out with my life. (although that will never cease cause everyone needs a little help now and then) But the key word being rely. I'm finally comming into being able to trust myself and not judge myself so harshly for the person I was/am. I am who I am. I'm becomming more responsible and self-reliant by the day and that means so much to me and makes me proud of myself for comming so far.

I'm sure there will be challenges that will face me because I've made this declaration of myself but it's only a test to see how badly I do want this. After I get through this, the next challenge will be school cause that's the only thing I've been really shifty about. I've let all my opportunties go to hell and now I'm at the bottom for that. (My GPA is lower than anyone wants to acknowledge)

Anyway that's neither here nor there.

I am where I am which is where I am suppose to be. I have my friends that I learn so much from in the day to day. And I love them all. I tend to attract turtle people in my life. Everyone one of my friends in my immediate circle that I cherish daily are turtle people. I think that's kewl. (Turtle people are the burden bearers, spiritualist and connectors to the earth)

Blah blah blah. So that's where my day is.

Talking with Roch about all this made me feel peaceful and at one with all that's going on around me. So today is a great day. I would get all NDN and say "Today is a good day to die" but I'm not ready yet. It is but is soo not my time to go. There is so much on this earth I was meant to accomplish that when it's fianally all over, I know I will have live a fullfilled life and have no regrets. My journey here has only just begun and I am at one.

In the arms of the angels you fly....

2004-06-15T01:09:00.000-04:00

Today started as anyother day. But from the beginning I new it was a different one. Today is the celebration of my mothers life. The day she was born. Like any great daughter I forgot. *typical* I had decided to wait and call her later during lunch so I put it off til then. Then around 12 I started to feel very tired and weary. I took my lunch but tired to sleep but it was no use. I was restless and as soon as I closed my eyes it seemed I started having a chaotic dream. One where the world was literally turned upside down. Even asleep I wasn't asleep. I just watched the everyone and tried to hold on and be strong. When I came back to my desk I got another one of those phone calls. The same phone call like had recieved only the week before.

As in alot of other cultures, when children are born in a family everyone is family. Cousins are new mothers and fathers. Aunts are also new grandparents. When your cousins have children they are also your children. My cousins whom I grew up with are my brothers and sisters. The closest one being my cousin Rachael who is onlly 3 months younger than I and also my cousin Ryan who is 4 years younger. They are my siblings and I love them as dearly as I love my biological brothers and sister.

My numi, Kelli called me and when she was finally able to eek it out I could hardly breath. One of my little ones was gone. Our little Ashlyn had passed away. Today was the day she had decided to take her journey. It was finally her time to move on from this life.

I have been there for everyone of my nieces and nephews births. I was there the first day she was born. When Ashlyn was born it was an exciting event as they all are. I remember being in the hospital and everyone being so excited. The brand new Aunties and Uncles and my Aunt being the most excited of all. When Ash was born she was so beautiful. I cried cause I'm a sap for the miricle of life. She didn't cry very much but when she did it was so cute cause it was just this sweet little wail. She was the first female grandchild. The new ndn princess was born. :D

The next day, we got some intersting news. It seemed our Ashlyn was special in more ways then one. She had been born with an extra chromizome. A condition called Trisomy 18. A condition that hardly ever goes to term but comming from the strong family that she does, she did. When Trisomy babies are born they are given a life expectancy of 2 weeks to 3 months. Anything pasted that is a miricle and of course not unheard of. Ashlyn was strong and she gave us amazing joy for four years. To me there is nothing more amazing in my life than that. She was truely a blessing and blessed each and everyone of us. She was always happy. She always had a smile. She had her fathers eyes and her mothers eyelashes. I always remember her most for her little dances that she loved to do. That little chick loved to shake her booty! She loved music. And she was loved very much by everyone who knew her.

~~Ashlyn Rose Wallace~~
~~December 4, 1999 ~ June 14, 2004~~

My little one I love you.

Thank you for being in our lives and choosing us as a family.

In your four short years, you taught us what it is to be happy everyday.

How to smile everyday cause life is short.

I will grieve for you cause I miss you.

Cause you were so strong and so silly & happy.

But I will also be joyous for you are now once again whole & without pain.

You will never beforgotten.

Our Angel in life.

Now our Angel forever.

Take care my love.

On to the creator you fly.

2004-06-11T17:51:00.000-04:00

Here are some pics I took this morning...

Nancy

Yeah it was raining the whole time. But I got some good black and white from Paco's camera. We'll see how it turns out.

Anyways, (singing) I got my apt. I got my apt. (/singing) And i get to move in next week. How far am I moving? Straight down the hall. Am I excited? Hell yes. Finally, a place all to myself. No curfew, no one to bother, and most importantly, no one to bother me! Yey!

Have a great weekend Dudes, Kittens and bambinos.

Ciao.

Randum Thoz...

2004-06-09T14:59:00.001-04:00

I don't know what I'm thinking or what the hell I'm feeling. I'm tired. I'm in a silly mood. Too much to think about.
________________________________

Some would consider themselve lucky to live where I live. Ronald Regan is having his stay here in our nations capital for the next few days. It opens up at 9 to the public. I don't know if I wanna go. I should go. I mean not many people are afforded this opportunity. I live literally less than a mile a way. I should. But I don't feel like it. Not right now anyway.
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I need to clean my room so badly it sux. I have too many clothes. Still trying my hardest to simplify. there are just too many old letters/trinkets/etc. to let go of. Who keeps porcelin N'Sync bobblehead dolls that are still in the box that I bought at the dollar store as a joke really?

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Oh yeah...I ran in to an old aqaintence a couple days ago. A The french guy that I dated on and off for about 3 months and dropped like a bad habit last year. No goodbye. No returned calls. Nada. He saw me on the street and recognized me. He was like "Spring! How you been? How es everything?" I was like fine and all the while thinking to myself. shitfuckfuckfuckshitfuckshit. I didn't know what to do. It was really awkward. Especially since he was being so nice to me. I was like wtf? Yeah that'll happen a couple more times cause now he's for sure going to blow up my phone. What a fucking retard.

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Lord help me. I need to finallly get back to my website and fix it up all purdy like. It's been down forever. I'm just a lazy ass with dial up and no creative thought.

Forget that...I'm creative. Just lazy.

Someday I'll stop.

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Yeah...I have more and they'll come when they come. As for now. I will go.

Ciao, Bailas.

Updated music list for 06/07/04-06/13/-04

2004-06-07T09:27:00.000-04:00

The Scientist - Coldplay
You Get what you give - New Radicals
Crucifixion - Alex Bach
Breakdown Here - Julie Roberts
Float On - Modest Mouse <---actual download right click.

For Mom:

2004-06-04T11:51:00.000-04:00

*Disclaimer: In case you are wondering and not that it matters but my dad is gay. I'm just letting you know, in case you didn't, so you're not confused*

This is a dedication to my fathers ex-boyfriend that for a while was apart of the family. I recently got the news he has since passed and this is for him as well as me. Thank you. ;)

I know you can hear me

Yesterday while I was cleaning, I found some old cards of mine that I kept over the years and was contemplating throwing them out. The first one I saw happened to be from you and my dad after I graduated from my Life training class, saying you were proud of me. The other was from Christmas time wishing me well and missing me. Seeing them made me remember what I had heard a only two days before. That when tears began to fall. You had lived out your happy life and had fulfilled your life's purpose. You were on to your next journey.

I remember when I first heard the news I was shocked. Then quickly put on my brave face/voice for my father cause I know he had been crying so much already. It pained him to say the words that you were gone. But I listened. No exactly knowing what to say or how to feel. Then I immediately thought of my sister, knowing she was closest to you of all of us right then. And I knew she needed me now as much as ever. When she answered she didn't have to speak nor did I. I just listened to her weeps and tears. Still not knowing what to say. Still holding back my own grief and sorrow. Unwilling to let myself be sad. Finally, when I let her go, I looked to my right and saw the Chinese Calligraphy you got for me in my names from China. Both in Kate and Katie cause they didn't have Spring. Right then I couldn't help but let it out. Right then, I let myself cry.

I haven't cried much since then, although I'm crying right now. Cause I miss you more than I ever realized. I never knew it would hurt this much. It does. It hurts cause I did love you and I really do care. I was just too selfish and stubborn like my father to show it. We didn't even say goodbye when you two broke up. We just let it wander and drift away like a raft out to sea. Which seemed to be fine for the both of us.

I don't do regrets. So I'm not going to regret anything I did or didn't do. I just miss you now. And it hurts that you are gone. I know you are watching over all of us. And even though not in the physical, you will watch Amba and Tris grow up. Whenever I am faced with a tough choice like fighting for the better job, more money or doing something that makes me happy. I'll think of you and what you would tell me. "Don't settle. Life is too short to settle, Miss Spring"

You never settled. You spent your money on the best of everything cause that's what you knew you deserved. You are an inspiration of why you should live life to the fullest. I think that's what I'll remember most.

I only wish to live at least have half the life you lived. And see a third of the places you have been. I'm still young so I think I can make it happen. Forget that. I will make it happen. ;) So in lieu of regrets I will do rememberences. And keep the good memories with me.

I remeber the first time we met...
How shy you were at meeting me. And we went to Bucca's for dinner. It was my Dad's birthday. You were quiet yet still managed to smile. I'm glad you were there. It was a fun night.

I remember the first time I knew you were a part of my family...
My father, You, my Numi and me all went to go see The Divine Secrets of the Yah Yah Sisterhood. My sister called you mom by accident but it fit. And you were stuck with it. Soccer Mom. *LOL* We had a great time that night.

I remember that...
You never left me out. But we were never that close cause we're stubborn. I knew you loved me and I loved you. We had good times.

I remember when you...
Let me drive your mercedes when you first got it. Dad about had a heart attack but you let me take it around the block with the top down. I was pimp for 5 minutes. It was awesome.

I remember when we...
Had a blast at Kelli's wedding. You were so helpful and made everything possible. Kelli had the best wedding that anyone one of us could have hoped for. And it would have never happened because of you. You got to meet my real mom and you too seemed to get along just fine. I'm happy she dragged you with them when they did the parent introductions. You deserved to be there just as much as my father and real mom. You were "mom".

I'm most remember you for...
Being an example of what it takes to get what you want out of life and how to be a success. You lossed all the weight. You became a independantly wealthy with your own business. And you finally got the mercedes you dreamed of your whole life. You suceeded and thrived. You made your life happen and lived your life to the fullest to the very end. I'm glad you were apart of my life.

**~~R.I.P. Micheal "Mom" Davis~~**